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A COMPLICATED LIFE
--- Chapter 1 ---
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My name is William Becker. Well actually it's not Becker but that's close enough. At the time this took place or at least at the beginning of it I was 16, born May 1st 1982 in a fairly small town in the middle of Wisconsin. I am or was at the time 5'8" and 140 pounds with dark brown hair and blue eyes. Yeah I was pretty small but my body was toned and I had a great ass. Well at least so I was told. Actually at that time I guess I never really thought of myself as being good looking, I was just me. I was an only child and have a wonderful mom and dad. My dad is an engineer and works in a larger town about 15 miles away and my mom is a nurse and works for a local doctor. None of the problems that I ran into were the fault of them, they really loved me and have always been supportive. I know a lot of guys don't get along with their mom or dad but mine are great. My mom, well, is a mom and my dad is a loving guy without a mean bone in his body. Maybe that's why I still feel so bad about what happened, they loved me and trusted me and I lied to them. My dad used to say, "Just tell the truth, if you tell me the truth I'll never be mad." Well, I didn't do that, I really didn't think I could.

I also have to tell you about my best friend Bob. Bob was born in the same hospital that I was born in and on the same day. That's kinda how we ended up knowing his family because we probably wouldn't have otherwise. They had a lot more money than we did and Bob's parents and mine didn't really move in the same group. But when we were little they thought it would be cute for us to have our birthdays together and since they only lived a few miles away we ended up being friends. Bob was the first person I ever remember meeting and knowing as a real little kid. I've known him forever and we spent as much time at each others houses as we did at our own. I don't have a brother but it was almost like that's what Bob was. He knew all of my secrets or at least the little ones. Bob grew to be a lot bigger that me. When I was 5'8" Bob was 6'1" and 175 pounds. Where I really sucked as an athlete Bob was great, really a winner at whatever he did. He was and is a big handsome guy who always seems to win but I found out that there was more to him than that. I guess everyone has their secrets.

The other person that really played a major role at that time was Dave. Dave was a deputy sheriff and when I first met him he was 33. Dave is a really big guy, about 6'4" and built with huge powerful shoulders, sandy brown hair, blue eyes and mustache. I don't know what he weighed but he was a big muscular guy. Dave lived in the same small town we did and he was married with 3 kids.

I suppose the lying began when I was about 13 and it dawned on me that maybe the reason that I liked looking at naked guys was because I was gay. Well who the hell do you tell that to? For sure not your dad and for damn sure not your jock best friend. So I buried it deep and tried to act as straight as I could. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of it too and by the time I was sixteen I was certain that nobody knew that I was gay. I was wrong of course.

I had a job working at the local lumber yard home center after school and that was where I first met Dave. At the time I didn't realize he was a cop or I would have been more careful but he wasn't in uniform just jeans and it looked like he had a football in his pants. Geez I would have had to be dead not to look and like I said I didn't know who he was. Honestly I never even had a chance to really consider what I was doing but when he came down the aisle that I was working in I actually did a double take at that crotch of his. Well he caught that. He didn't say anything just smiled and I figured what the hell some guy catches a 16 year old kid looking at his crotch, big deal. I mean after all at that age it's like kids and adults live on different planets. What I didn't realize is that Dave saw it as an opportunity but he didn't say anything just kept walking. The planets were about to collide.

Before I tell you what happened with Dave I have to impress on you how close Bob and I were. I'm sure that you've had a friend like that in your life, someone who you share everything with, someone you see every single day. I guess, well hell I know, that I took Bob for granted. He was always just there like wallpaper or the tv. My mom and dad were crazy about him and I think he preferred my parents to his own. Even when we got in high school and he became this big jock guy we were still best buds and when he made more friends at school he drew me into that group and made sure that I was accepted.

Then came 1997 and I got my drivers license. My dad helped me buy an old beater and I was in heaven. I had wheels. This next part is the part that's really hard for me to talk about. I mean I know that I'm just writing words on paper but it was the start of a very stupid and exciting time for me but one that I'm pretty ashamed of on a couple of levels. Oh shit I guess I'll just write it as it happened.

Our little town rests in the middle of what at one time were great forests. Those have mostly been logged out now but the town is still pretty surrounded by dense woods, old logging roads crisscross these woods. On an autumn evening in 1997 I was driving back from a nearby town. I had the music blasting and really wasn't thinking of anything just kinda getting off on the tunes. Dave didn't turn his overhead flashers on until he had been behind me for a while I guess and it truly scared the crap outta me. Of course I checked the speedometer right away and I was going faster than I should have but I didn't really know what the limit was where I was. So anyway I pull over right away and wait for the cop. Looking in my rearview mirror I see this huge hunk of a cop walking toward me. Even in his cop outfit the bulge was huge. Anyway while I did notice the bulge my main thought was on how I was gonna explain the ticket I was gonna get to my dad. I had only had the car for two weeks or so and I figured that I was gonna be walking for at least a month. So anyway Dave saunters up to the car and when he sees me he rests his arms on the windowsill and kinda leans into the car his face just a few inches away and his hands even closer. I could smell him, a real male smell and I remember the hair on the backs of those hands.

So he asks me if I'm Billy from the Home Center and I tell him yeah and tells me to pull
the car off the highway on to this old logging road so that we don't get hit by a passing car or anything. Now you've got to understand that growing up in this little hick town I had been taught to obey the police like they were gods. It would never have occurred to me not to do what Dave was telling me. If I had thought about it I would have been aware of the fact that there were no cars on the highway we were in the middle of nowhere.

So after I pull off the road Dave comes over and rests his forearms on the windowsill and just starts talking about stuff like how do I like my new car and what working at the Center is like and stuff like that. Then he moves his hand towards my cheek and starts stroking it with the back of his knuckle. Well when he starts that I just like freeze. It's just like I have no ability to move. I'm staring straight ahead and saying nothing and meantime he's running his hands all over me and telling me what a fine looking kid I am and how proud my dad must be of me and how he wouldn't want to have to give me a ticket. Then he tells me to get out of the car and says he gonna help me out by not giving me a ticket but that I gotta help him out because his wife is having her period and he hasn't been getting any sex and shit like that. Then he tells me that he's seen me looking at his crotch and he's seen me around town and that he knows that I'm a homo. Now in my mind I'm totally freaking out that he knows my secret and I start getting this picture of my dad finding out about me and maybe losing my job at the center and inside I'm goin nuts but still not saying anything because like I can't.

The next thing I know is he's got my hand and is rubbing it around his crotch and I can feel this enormous boner in there and pretty soon his pants are open and he's pushing me down on it. Now I can't tell you that this didn't in one way turn me on and was like the greatest thing ever to happen to me but at the same time I was scared shitless. For one thing Dave had a pretty big cock and I had never sucked one before not even a little one, so just having this huge thing being rammed down my throat was painful. Anyway after a couple of minutes he shoots this huge load into my mouth and it's running down my chin and the front of my shirt and god I feel like puking. Then the prick actually wipes his dick on my face, says "thanks Billy" gets in his car and drives off. At that moment kneeling in the forest with his cum on me and my jaw and throat aching I kinda felt like I had been raped. This is the point in this story where those people who have heard it tell me that I was raped but somehow I felt responsible for what had happened, like my wanting gay sex had made this happen. I mean I knew that Dave was a shit but I felt that my looking at his crotch in the store had triggered this whole thing and I guess in a way it did.

When you're a teenager and you've screwed up like I just did it's kinda scary going home. I mean my shirt was cum stained and I guess that I smelled of sex and even the knees of my pants where dirty from the forest floor. Well I cleaned myself up as much as possible, letting the cum dry and brushing off my knees, and I head for home.

When I get home I try to slip in quietly but of course both my mom and dad are home and I run into them both. My mom gives me a kiss and dad rubs my head (he does that sort of thing) and miraculously they don't seem to notice anything. Here I'm feeling like SLUT is painted on my forehead but everyone seems unaware of it. The thing is that all night long I'm tasting Dave's cum in my mouth and in my mind and while I was too scared to get a hardon when I was with him I'm getting hornier as the night goes on and I'm watching tv with my dad but really I'm reliving the experience with Dave. Well finally I kiss my dad good nite( I know, I know but that's the way he is.) and go to bed. Well needless to say my dick is in my hand as soon as I hit the sheets and after about 30 seconds of stroking I blow the biggest load of my life.

You have to understand that I wasn't living in Los Angeles or New York, I didn't have internet access and as far as I was concerned there was one faggot living in our town and that was me. Well sure there were the usual fag jokes at school but those were just things guys said and even when they said they thought someone was gay I thought it was just bullshit. It never occurred to me that maybe Dave was gay and actually I think what he did and then went on to do had more to do with a power and control thing than with sexual orientation but none of that occurred to me until after it was over. During all of my sessions with Dave he never reciprocated in any way, never a kiss, nothing.

Well as I've already implied Dave continued to have me service him. The next couple of weeks I blew him 5 or 6 times and then he started fucking me. The first time he fucked me I thought I was going to die. The pain was unbelievable and his cum was leaking out of me all the way home but again after I cleaned myself up and showered it didn't seem so bad and all the next day at school I could still feel his cock in me. I could still feel his sperm hitting the inside of my ass. Looking back on it I guess even in the beginning I was kinda getting off on this power that I had over Dave. I mean this was a huge risk he was taking although that wasn't something that I was really aware of at the time. That he wanted me as bad as he did was I guess an ego thing for me.

The next couple of years were strange and strained. Dave and I would get together generally about twice a week and usually around eight at night. This required a whole lot of lying to my mom, dad and to Bob. Thinking back on that time I wouldn't do it again for anything. Watching my mom and especially my dad losing faith in me was terrible. When I was nine years old I got very sick and while I was able to stay at home everyone was very afraid that I would get worse and I could have ended up the hospital or even I suppose dead. I don't have a lot of memories about that time because I had a bad fever for a long time but I remember practically everyday waking up and having my dad in bed with me. At the time he just said that he got up early and looked in on me but I found out later from my mom that he wasn't able to sleep while I was that sick and he slept with me because he wanted to be there in case I got worse. This was the guy that I was lying to when all he really wanted was the truth, but the real truth was the one thing I couldn't give him. Everything suffered, my grades my relationship with my parents and my friendship with Bob. All of these things were priceless to me but I guess I was willing to trade them all for cock.

Anyone who likes to get fucked will know that while the first few times might be painful it gets better real fast and once I started buying lube that really helped. A month after I started getting fucked by Dave it was feeling pretty good and in three months I loved it, six months later and I couldn't do without it. I thought about that cock 24/7, I was a bitch in heat. Well aside from all the emotional damage I was doing to everyone, most of which I was oblivious to, things went along pretty well. Well as time went by and my need for Dave's dick increased so did my feelings for him. I was a total blind idiot because he didn't give a shit about me but I convinced myself that I was in love with him and that he would fall in love with me or rather that he should fall in love with me. Now had I been thinking objectively I would have realized that after 3 years Dave was looking for the cleanest way out of this "relationship". I didn't take any of the hints he dropped about ending things and when he just stopped calling me I called him constantly. I was probably becoming quite an embarrassment. Eventually he got things down to about one fuck every two to three weeks and he bitched and moaned about that. Needless to say I was going out of my fucking mind. I thought that I was losing my lover and I was totally addicted to his dick.

Late in 1999 something happened that was to have a profound affect on my life. My dad brought home a computer and we got internet access. My dad said that I could go on the internet but I knew that I had to be careful and tried to confine my online time to those times when mom and dad were in bed. That pretty much meant going online early in the morning and late at night but oh what a change it made. I couldn't believe the first time I went on a gay chat line it was amazing. I felt like I had finally found a place were I was understood. During these chats I eventually told some guys my story and began to get some feedback on what I had been going through. A few months later during the spring of 2000 something else happened that would turn my world totally upside down.

You have to consider that prior to Dave I was with Bob virtually every day of my life. Either he was hangin at my house or me at his or he was dragging me to some football shit or some jock party and of course this being the country we normally spent a lot of time fishing or hunting. This almost totally ended a few months after Dave came into the picture. For one thing every time I did see Bob he had lots of question about what I was doing and why I was being so secretive. I thought I handled these questions well but let's face it I wasn't thinking very clearly. Finally one Saturday in April he cornered me to go fishing with him and there just wasn't any way that I could get out of it without making a big deal out of it. So off we went bumping across old logging roads in his SUV headed towards a familiar fishing spot deep in the woods.

Well a half hour later and we were fly fishing in a wide shallow stream and making kinda idle chat about cars and shit. Then after a while an odd thing happened. Bob walked up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders and kinda kneaded them, then he rested his chin on my shoulder and kinda quietly asked if I wanted to eat lunch now.
It was an intimate thing to do and something he had never ever done before. I mean I could feel his breath on my ear and the whole thing sent shivers thru me but I just kinda put it outta my head and after fishing a bit more we headed for home. Now I totally thought that Bob was straight, I mean you just don't get studlier than Bob. So when he did this it kinda threw me. Yeah we had had a couple of camping trip beatoff sessions years before but there was no way this guy could be gay. Bob was also very tight with my Dad. Dad had given up trying to get me to watch football with him and it wasn't unusual for Bob to come over on the weekend at watch with him. Bob's parents were pretty old or at least seemed that way to me. He had a brother Mark who was ten years older and worked in his dad's office and an older sister who had married some dude and moved away. Bob's mom and dad loved him I guess but they really never seemed to be there. If they weren't at the country club they would be traveling or some shit. This was kinda the one negative thing in Bob's life and now that I think about it he really treated his older brother like a dad. When Bob needed something like money or shit he would just call Mark and somehow it got done. Mark was a cool guy too, married but stud city.

Well that night I get a chance to go online and chat and some guy that I had talked to before asks me what's new with my life. Well this guy knew about the cop and all and I mentioned what had happened with Bob that morning. Well then this dude and a couple of others all started telling me that Bob had to be gay and was coming on to me and of course I said no fucking way but it did make me wonder about it. I mean Bob had stuck to me like glue even during the heaviest time with Dave when I was really treating him like shit and it wasn't like he didn't have other places he could have gone. He knew everybody on the planet and there were babes who would have killed just to have him say hello. The other thing that had been kinda working in the back of my brain were the looks that my dad and Bob were exchanging lately. Not big obvious looks but just quick glances this had been going on for a few weeks but I felt like they were planning something but my birthday was coming up along with Bob's and I guess to the extent that I thought about it I attributed it to that. Like I said my ass is my best feature not my brain. Well OK my dick is alright too, not huge but pretty. In defense of my stupidity I was so fucking in need of a cock up my ass I was about out of my mind. The bottoms out there will understand.

Well the following Monday Bob corners me at school and says how much he enjoyed the fishing and that it was cool us hangin out like we used to and could we do it again Friday morning cause there was no school that day and of course I say yes. Well it turns out this turns into the week from hell because I'm calling Dave three and four times a day because if I don't get a cock up my ass I'm gonna go crazy. Dave of course by now is treating me totally like shit and tells me his wife is pregnant again and how he's gonna spend more time at home. The prick! I'm being a total asshole to everyone I run into and I can see my dad has this weird look on his face all week and I figure if he's still sane he's ready to have me committed to some fucking nuthouse.

Well I somehow manage to make it to Friday morning but my emotions are really kinda raw and Bob seems to pick up on this and is treating me like I could explode at any minute, which is pretty much, the truth. So anyway we go back to our same favorite fishing spot and we're just doing that and it's a really pretty morning. The sun is filtering threw the new leafs on the trees and there's a lot of new green all over the woods and there's this great smell of the earth, the way the ground itself smells in spring. Anyway I'm half talking to Bob but mostly thinking about what a sonofabitch Dave is when I realize that Bob is standing next to me with his hand on my shoulder and I kinda jump because it surprised me. I said, "What, what?" and he says "Dude I've been talking to you for five minutes and your like not here" and I just feel myself blush because I'm such a dufuss and I say that I'm sorry and like what were you saying.

Then he takes my fishing rod and his and lays them on the ground. Then he turns me around to face him and looks me right in the eyes. And we're standing there and his hands are on my shoulders and his face is just a few inches from mine and he says,
" Billy I know. I know about you and the cop."


Well I can feel these explosions going off in my brain and I'm seeing white flashes of light inside my head and I'm trying to pull away from him but he won't let me go and I feel like my body is crumbling, like my whole body is just falling apart piece by piece but Bob is still holding my shoulders and I'm pushing his chest to get away from him but like nothing happens cause he just hangs on and I know that I'm crying and where the fuck did that come from and then he pulls me in and just holds me tight to his chest while I cry. Geez I don't ever remember crying before except maybe when I was a little kid cause I'm not a crier but a fighter but my life has been such shit lately and I guess you can only take so much and now I'm like this crying machine and it just seems to go on and on but Bob just holds me really tight and then I feel him kissing my neck and rubbing my back and he says, "Why did you let that asshole touch you, why didn't you come to me."
Well this is a news flash! Were the fuck is that coming from? But I know a good thing when I feel it and just stay were I'm at cause he's so fucking strong and it feels so good to be in his arms.

Finally I get somewhere near getting my emotions under control and I pull back a little and say, "Why? What could you have done?" Remember, great ass no brains.
And he just looks at me for a few seconds then says, "Dumbass little fucker".
Bob always knew the right thing to say. Then he kissed me and I felt like that lady in that old movie who kinda lifts up one leg behind her when the dude is kissing her. Anyway this kiss goes on and on and his tongue is like six inches down my throat and it's now beginning to dawn on me that maybe Bob is gay.

Bob is saying, "I'm so sorry I didn't tell you about me but Billy you gotta believe I love you and babe I won't ever let anything happen to you. Just say we'll be together and I'll take care of everything else." Those beautiful green eyes are searching mine and I know somehow deep inside that this is how my life is suppose to be so I kiss him again and bury my face in his chest and I can smell him and it's comforting and sexy and I've never felt so safe in my life. So I nod my head yes and then say, "What do we do now?", and he says he's got a busy day planned for us but the most important part is right now and he grabs our fishing rods and takes my hand and we walk back to the truck. Bob pulls out a blanket and a bunch of food and shit and we head off for a little clearing on top of a nearby hill. Well I'm feeling a little like a virgin on her wedding night but as we're trudging up that hill his hand is on my ass most of the time and he asks me if it bothers me and I tell him it belongs to him and he can touch it whenever he wants and he just grins.

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