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- - - BLOG December 2018- - -
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

December 27, 2018

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet. 

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?"

December 26, 2018

A lawyer, laying on his deathbed in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it. 

As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting left and right. Curious, his wife asked, "What are you doing, honey?" "I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.

December 24, 2018 This quote from Tender is The Night always makes me think. Mostly about how after a certain age the trains no longer run for you.

Nicole was the product of much ingenuity and toil. For her sake trains began their run at Chicago and traversed the round belly of the continent to California; chicle factories fumed and link belts grew link by link in factories; men mixed toothpaste in vats and drew mouthwash out of copper hogsheads; girls canned tomatoes quickly in August or worked rudely at Five-and-Tens on Christmas Eve; half-breed Indians toiled on Brazilian coffee plantations and dreamers were muscled out of patent rights in new tractors — these were some of the people who gave a tithe to Nicole, and as the whole system swayed and thundered onward it lent a feverish bloom to such processes of hers as wholesale buying, like a flush of a fireman’s face holding his post before a spreading blaze. She illustrated very simple principles, containing in herself her own doom, but illustrated them so accurately that there was grace in the procedure, and presently Rosemary would try to imitate it. 

December 21, 2018

A Sardar went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a game warden who didn't like Sardars. The game warden ordered the Sardar to show his hunting license, and the Sardar pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license. 
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license, boy?" 
The Sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?" 
The sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?" 
Again the Sardar reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Sardar "Just where the hell are you from?" 
The Sardar smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert."

 

December 20, 2018

Once upon a time, there once was a traveling salesman who's wife was a well known sex addict. But because the man could not be home all of the time, he often worried about his wife's faithfulness. He had noticed that she had been eyeing the young neighbor boy who cut their lawn recently. So one day the man decided to try to do something about this. After work the man entered a sexual aid shop and asked the owner to show him the selection of dildos.
"Why yes, of course." said the owner, "We have a very wide selection."
But after looking for quite a long time, the man just did not find anything that satisfied him.
"Well, maybe I have just what you need." remarked the owner, "Wait here."
And with that, the owner ran into the back and started digging around for quite some time. After about twenty minutes, the owner finally came out carrying a strange, rectangular box with ancient writing all over it. He set the box down on the counter and opened it for the man. Inside, resting on a bed of satin, la lay an ancient wooden dildo.
"Wow, that pretty neat." said the man, "But what's so special about it?"
"This is the Voodoo dick." remarked the owner, "Watch." Then the owner commanded, "Voodoo dick, rise."
All of a sudden the dildo rose and hovered in front of the man's face. "Voodoo dick, door."
The dildo then flew to the door and started pounding on it like a jackhammer.
Five minutes later, when the door was nothing but a pile of splinters, the owner finally commanded, "Voodoo dick, box."
The dildo stopped suddenly and zipped back to rest in its box. The man, being in amazement, pronounced, "My god, this thing is incredible. I must have it. How much is it?"
"Oh no, I cannot sell it to you. It is a family hierloom and is not for sale."
"Well, I must have it. I'll give you $200 for it." demanded the man. "No, not for sale." "$500." "No, I cannot." "$700." "I am sorry." "$1000." "Well, ok."
So the man took the dildo home and presented it to his wife, "When I am gone and you start to get hot and horny, all you need to do is say 'Voodoo dick, cunt' and it will do the rest." explained the man.
The next day the man had to leave for his business trip. He was not gone more than thirty minutes when his wife started to get that feeling again. She picked up a magazine to read and noticed that their lawn was being mowed, but wanting to stay faithful to her husband, she decided to try her new toy. She ran to the bedroom, fell onto the bed, opened the box, and commanded 'Voodoo dick, cunt'.
With that, the Voodoo dick started to fuck away at her pussy. The wife thought that this was incredible and was having one orgasm after another. An hour passed and she was still orgasming like crazy. Another hour passed and she was begining to tire and getting a bit sore. But she realized that she did not know the command to stop the Voodoo dick. She decided that she had better get help as soon as she could. So she got into her car and raced to the hospital.
While speeding there, she flew past a cop who then proceeded to pull her over.
"Why in the hell were you driving so crazy?" asked the officer.
"Well officer," answered the wife, "I have this Voodoo dick in my cunt, and I dont know how to stop it."
To which the officer responded, "Voodoo dick, my ass!"

December 19, 2018

Charlie is sitting in the doctor's waiting room, when George, a causal acquaintance, walks in and sits next to him.
"W w what are yy you dd doing hh here?" George asks.
"I'm waiting to see the doctor," replies Charlie.
"Ww what's the mmm matter? Ww why dd do yyy you ww want to sss see him? George inquires.
"Well, I have a prostate problem," Charlie says.
"A pp prostate ppp problem, ww what's th th that?" asks George.
"If you must know, I pee like you talk!" explains Charlie.

December 18, 2018

A truck driver stopped for a meal at and was just served when a huge caravan of Hells Angels roared in. As the gang entered the restraunt, everyone but the truck driver quickly paid thier bills and left. The truck driver quietly sat there eating his steak.
The leader of the Hells Angels marched in and sat by the trucker at the bar, reached over and took his plate and began to eat the steak. Still unruffled, the trucker sat there quietly and drank his coffee. This infuriated the gang leader who grabbed the coffee and poured it on the trucker's head. Calmly the trucker wiped his head and walked to the cashier. Amid jears and insults from the gang the trucker paid his bill and left.
When the waitress came to take their order, the gang leader remarked, "Boy, that guy wasn't much of a man was he. I stole his steak, called his mother a bitch, and even poured coffee on his head. And the whimp, he just walked away."
The waitress replied, "Yea, I guess your right. You really scared him. He must have run over about forty motorcycles trying to get out of the parking lot, but he just kept on going."

December 17, 2018

HER DIARY
---------

This evening, I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a
cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.I asked him what was wrong - he said,"Nothing."I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved
him, he simply smiled and kept driving.I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say,"I love you,too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost
him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to
confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts
are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

---------
HIS DIARY
---------

Today Australia lost the cricket test against England.

DAMN IT

 

December 14, 2018 I've had this playing non-stop in my brain for the last three weeks and now it's yours.

 

While sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Abigail opened a letter from home and found a $10 bill inside. As she was reading the letter she caught sight of a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost below.
She quickly wrote, "Don't despair, Sister Abigail" on a piece of paper, wrapped it around the $10 bill and dropped it out the window.
The stranger picked it up and, with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The following day, Sister Abigail was told that a man was at the door insisting on seeing her. She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without saying a word, he handed her a roll of bills.
Puzzled, she asked, "What's this?"
"That's the 60 bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid five to one!"

December 12, 2018

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the 
boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it. 

"That was a honey bee," his father said,"one of our friends, and for 
stomping him you will do without honey for a week." 

Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it. 
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for 
stomping him you will do without butter for a week." 

The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate 
his plain toast (no honey and butter.) 

Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it. 
The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or 
should I?

The story behind this joke:... There's this nutball who digs things out his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Paleoanthropology DivisionSmithsonian Institute207 Pennsylvania AvenueWashington, DC 20078Dear Sir: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. "Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu more...

December 10, 2018

one day little johnnys dad told him to go to the bakery to get a bun, the warehouse to get a bucket and the pet store to get a poodel. johnny set of and went to the bakery he said " sir can i please have a bum." "dont you mean a bun." "oh yeah thats right." he said. he got the bun and went to the warehouse. ma'am can i please have a fucket" he said. "dont you mean a bucket." she said oh yeah thats right thank you. he got his bucket and went to the pet store. "lady can i please have a doodle." "dont you mean a poodle" she said laughing. "oh yeah thats right thank you". he went out of the store and his poodel ran away soe he went back into the store and said ma'am can you please hold my bum and fucket will i chase my doodle.



 

December 7, 2018

one day little johnnys dad told him to go to the bakery to get a bun, the warehouse to get a bucket and the pet store to get a poodel. johnny set of and went to the bakery he said " sir can i please have a bum." "dont you mean a bun." "oh yeah thats right." he said. he got the bun and went to the warehouse. ma'am can i please have a fucket" he said. "dont you mean a bucket." she said oh yeah thats right thank you. he got his bucket and went to the pet store. "lady can i please have a doodle." "dont you mean a poodle" she said laughing. "oh yeah thats right thank you". he went out of the store and his poodel ran away soe he went back into the store and said ma'am can you please hold my bum and fucket will i chase my doodle.

 

December 6, 2018

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying to rob a bank. Just as they were about to leave someone puched an alarm. With two cops chasing the three girls, they ran into a warehouse nearby. In the warehouse were three sacks. Each girl hopped into one. When the two cops arrived they saw the sacks. The first sack was the red head. Her sack had a dog on it. One of the officers kicked it and heard a sudden ruff! ruff!
"Oh, it must be a dog," he said.
The other officer kicked the second sack, which was the brunette, and her sack had a cat on it. The officer kicked it and heard a sudden meow! meow!
He said,"Oh, it must be a cat."
Last was the blonde and when the officer kicked it ands heard a sudden "pooooottaaaaattoooo"

source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Warehouse#ixzz5YwLe0Oos

December 5, 2018

"Well, lemme jus whip this baby out!"

Hard of hearing
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

December 4, 2018 The latest chapter of Protecting David can be found here.

 

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: 

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." 

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." 

The defendant smiled. 

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

 

 

December 3, 2018

A guy phones a law office and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." 

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week." 
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week." The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. 
By this time the receptionist is getting annoyed and replies, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" 

The guy responds, "Because I just love hearing it."

 

November 30, 2018

A doctor, and engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional. 
The Doctor said "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helpd with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman. 
"No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world. 
"Wait," Said the engineer "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized civilized place from utter choas?" 
"And WHO created the chaos?" said the lawyer. 

 

November 29, 2018

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. 

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. 

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.' 

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time. 

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.' 

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going. 

Do you know what the e-mail said? 

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either. 

November 28, 2018

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. 

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. 

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. 

True to his word, he made the first contact: 

" Marion ... Marion " 

"Is that you, Bob?" 

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed." 

"That's wonderful! What's it like?" 

Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. 

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. 

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. 

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" 

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?" 

"No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona 

November 27, 2018

3 contractors are in a bar after work enjoying a cold one, when a truck crashes into the bar killing all of them. They are at the pearly gates and Saint Peter say's "This is perfect the gates need repair and I can get three estimates" He asks the first contractor Bubba what it would take to fix the gates. Bubba walks over to the gates, inspects them, measures them and gives Saint peter an estimate of $750. 

Saint Peter says thank you and asks the next contractor for an estimate. He walks over to the gates, inspects them, measures them and gives Saint Peter an estimate of $1500, and tells him I won't make a dime off this. 

Saint Peter says thank you and asks the next contractor for an estimate. Anthony quickly gives Saint Peter a price of $2750. Saint Peter asks Anthony how he could come up with an estimate of two thousand seven hundred and fifty dollars without even inspecting or measuring the gates. 

Anthony replys, It's easy Saint Peter, $1000 for you, $1000 for me, $750 for Bubba. 

November 23, 2018

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. 

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" 

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." 

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." 

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." 

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." 

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" 

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed." 

November 21, 2018 Have a great Thanksgiving!

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" 

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he ouldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." 

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. 

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. 

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." 

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. 

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. 

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator ..."

November 20, 2018


Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?" 

The man said, "I do Father." 

The priest said,"Leave this pub right now!"
He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?" 

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest. 

Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father." 

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" 

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

November 19, 2018

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. 

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds. 

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. 

And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds. 

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." 

And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds. 

And God said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." 

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. 

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. 

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds. 

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. 

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. 

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery..... 

And Satan created HMOs... 

November 15, 2018

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" 

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." 

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. 

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. 

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." 

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. 

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. 

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

November 14, 2018

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. 

The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, but occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. 

The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. 

The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO." 

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"

November 13, 2018

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life. 

The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City. 

St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward. 

St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O’Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward. 

Father O’Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff? 

St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O’Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!

November 12, 2018

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life. 

The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City. 

St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward. 

St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O’Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward. 

Father O’Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff? 

St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O’Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!

November 9, 2018

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. 

God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. 

She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance. 

She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years!! 

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you." 

November 8, 2018

There were three friends Chris, John and Keith, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the forest. After a while they realized that they were lost. And before they knew it they were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told them that the only way they could survive from the cannibals was to pass the trial. The frist step of the trial was to go into the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So they thought that was easy enough, and all three friends went their separate ways to gather fruits. 

Chris came back first and said to the king. " I brought ten apples." 

The king then explained the next part of the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you will be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he screamed out with pain, so he was killed and went to heaven. 

Then John arrived and shows the king his ten fruits which were berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be a piece of cake. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therfore he was also killed. 

After a while Chris and John met in heaven. Then Chris asked John, " Why did you laugh?, you almost got away with it!" 

Chris replied, " I know, I couldn't help it. I was doing fine when all of a sudden Keith showed up with all those watermelons!" 

November 7, 2018 Well, thank all gods that election is over.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. 

As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. 

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" 

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich. 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. 

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." 

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. 

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. 

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich. 

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. 

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. 

"Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" 

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." 

"That's brilliant!"says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" 

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. 

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" 

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say." 

November 6, 2018 What do you think this is?

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?'' 

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.'' 

''No sh*t?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued. 

''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.''' 

''Keep going!'' 

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. 

She said, ''You now have three wishes.'' 

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! 

She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?'' 

''What next?'' begged the bartender. 

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours! 

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?'' 

I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?'' 

November 5, 2018

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix!" The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologise and see how much this is going to cost." 

They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said "Are you the people that broke my window?" 

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied. 

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me! I'm allowed to grant three wishes, and I'll give you each one wish and keep the last one for myself." 

"Wow, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life!" 

"No problem. It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world!" she said. 

"Consider it done!" the genie replied. "And what's your wish genie?" the husband asked. 

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." 

The husband looked at the wife and said "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. Afterwards, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said "How old is your husband anyway?" 

"35." she replied. 

"And he still believes in genies...that's amazing!" 

November 2, 2018

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." 

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" 

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." 

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! 

For her second wish, she! wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she replied......"I'd like a mild heart attack." 

Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. 

November 1, 2018

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. 

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"? 

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" 

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension". 

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother". The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?" 

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. 

Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?" 

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." 

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. 

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. 

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, &held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered......... 

BET YOU'RE SORRY YOU NEUTERED ME." 

October 31, 2018

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. 

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" 

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" 

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No-think of another wish." 

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...." 

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?" 

October 30, 2018

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life. 

The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. 

After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?" 

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" 

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on its head!" 

October 29, 2018

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix!" The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologise and see how much this is going to cost." 

They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said "Are you the people that broke my window?" 

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied. 

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me! I'm allowed to grant three wishes, and I'll give you each one wish and keep the last one for myself." 

"Wow, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life!" 

"No problem. It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world!" she said. 

"Consider it done!" the genie replied. "And what's your wish genie?" the husband asked. 

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." 

The husband looked at the wife and said "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. Afterwards, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said "How old is your husband anyway?" 

"35." she replied. 

"And he still believes in genies...that's amazing!" 

October 26, 2018

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. 

Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. 

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. 

Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to his freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. 

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

October 25, 2018

A woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. One day she found a beautifull lamp lieing in the streets. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a geenie popped out of the lamp! The geenie said that it would grant her 3 wishes & that with every wish her husband it get the same thing only double! 

So, the woman thinks of a first wish... 

"I want to be rich!!!"
So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich!
So, the woman thinks of a second wish...


"I want to be beautifull!!"
So, the woman became beautifull, and the husband became twice as beautifull.

"Okay", the geenie says. "This is your last wish so be carefull what you wish for!"
The woman thinks real hard and finally comes to a desision.

"I Want You To Scare me HALF To Death!!"

October 24, 2018

A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped Genie. "I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the Genie. 

The woman thought for a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around." 

The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp. 

The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in Large Bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash. 

Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline's place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush. She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly, "Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"

October 23, 2018

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." 

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask." 

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry; why are they temperamental; why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?" 

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?" 

October 22, 2018

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. 

"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings." 

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" 

"The gentleman was your doctor." 

October 19, 2018

Ten Thoughts to Ponder
Date of Joke: Sunday, 7th October, 2018

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted. 

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. 

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet, and they won't bother you for weeks. 

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky .... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. 

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing. 

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 

Number 3
Why does a 'slight' tax increase cost you $200.00, and a 'substantial' tax cut saves you $30.00? 

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. 

And The Number 1 Thought 

"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers:
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow! 

 

October 18, 2018

"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush, former U.S. President 

"It is white."
- George W. Bush, when asked what the White house was like by a student in East London 

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
- George Gobel 

"Solutions are not the answer."
- Richard Nixon, former U.S. President 

"Hi I'm Dean White, Dick, of the college."
- Richard (Dick) White, Duke University academic Dean introducing himself at a faculty dinner 

"Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that."
- Bill Clinton, former U.S. president 

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach 

"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate 

"I would say that anything that is indecent and violent in TV is a crime against humanity and they should shoot the head man responsible."
- Ted Turner, Media Mogul 

October 17, 2018 Cold, flu, sinus infection, etc. I've been sick for two months. Every once in a while I'll get a day or two of feeling better but it doesn't last.

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!" 

Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there." 

Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" 

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. 

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" 

Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running." 

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" 

Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home." 

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" 

Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining." 

October 16, 2018

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" 

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. 

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." 

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. 

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa pay the man." 

October 12, 2018



Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass. 

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings," 

Everyone has a photographic memory ...some just don't have any film. 

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. 

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off. 

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 

Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one. 

If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you. 

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. 

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself. 

And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!! 

Welcome to America ...now speak English 

 

October 11, 2018 The latest chapter of Protecting David is up and can be seen here.

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle. 

2. Forgive your enemies but remember their name. 

3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again. 

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them. 

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk! 

October 8, 2018

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen 

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004; Thanks for all the laughs) 

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." 
Lynn Lavner 

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." 
Camille Paglia 

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns 

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." 
Sharon Stone 

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." 
Tiger Woods 

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." 
Jack Nicholson 

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." 
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) 

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." 
Robin Williams 

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." 
Billy Crystal 

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." 
Robert De Niro 

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" 
Dustin Hoffman 

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." 
Jerry Seinfeld 

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." 
Robin Williams 

" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." 
Joan Rivers 

" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." 
Steve Martin 

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." 
Emo Phillips 

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." 
Oscar Wilde 

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." 
George Burns 

October 5, 2018

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. 

Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished." 

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates and the rest of my half-gallon of Blue Bell Original Vanilla Bean ice-cream. 

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace. 

October 4, 2018

How To Drive In Los Angeles

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A. 

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning. 

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On the 105 or 110, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered "Wussy." 

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. L A has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Malibu, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way. 

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. 

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot. 

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of L A and Orange counties. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting. 

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks,dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires,cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items. 

9. Mapquest does not work here -- none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the freeway off and on ramps are moved each night. 

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated." 

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot. 

12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning. 

 

October 3, 2018

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going to burn your ass. 

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't need them again. 

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem. 

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where in the hell is the ceiling? 

My reality check bounced. 

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!!! 

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 

Everyone is someone else's weirdo. 

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. 

Be careful...a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass. 

Don't be irreplaceable --- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted. 

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. 

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 

So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust! 

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! 

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. 

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 

I'd love to live life in the fast lane, but I'm married to a speed bump. 

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without a hard-on, make him a sandwich! 

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it! 

How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap

October 2, 2018

An old man, a boy, and a donkey were on their way to town. The boy was riding the donkey. 

As they went along, they passed a goup of people who remarked it was a shame the old man had to walk while the young boy was riding. The man and boy thought about the criticism and decided maybe the people were right, so they switched places. 

Later they passed another group of people who remarked that it was a shame that the old man made the little boy walk. The two travelers decided that they would BOTH walk. 

Soon they passed a third group of people who said they were stupid to walk , when they had such a fine donkey to ride. So, the two decided they would both ride the donkey. 

The next group of people they passed said that it was AWFUL that the two put such a heavy load on the poor donkey. The old man & boy thought that maybe the people were right, so they decided to carry the donkey. 

Soon they came to a river, with a narrow bridge spanning it. As they attempted to cross the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & it fell into the river and drowned. 

The moral of the story ? 

If you try to please everyone, you may as well............ 

kiss your ass goodbye. 

October 1, 2018 I can't believe it's October already. Oh well, it gives me a chance to post this.

click here 

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped. 

Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman. 

With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" 

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" 

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to sh*t when you hear the price." 

September 28, 2018

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." 
* Tom Clancy 

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." 
* Steve Martin 

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." 
* Woody Allen 

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday .night." 
* Rodney Dangerfield 

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL." 
* Lynn Lavner 

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." 
* Matt Barry 

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." 
* Camille Paglia & Bill Anderson 

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." 
* George Burns 

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." 
* Sharon Stone 

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she's reading." 
* Steve Jobs 

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it., so I said "Thyroid problem?'" 
*Arnold Schwarzenegger 

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." * Tiger Woods 

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." 
* Jack Nicholson 

He never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." 
* Barbara Bush 

"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." 
* Robin Williams 

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." 
* Roseanne 

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." 
* Billy Crystal 

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." 
* Robert De Niro 

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" 
* Dustin Hoffman 

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'" 
* Jerry Seinfeld 

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." 
* Rod Stewart 

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." 
* Robin Williams 

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts 
*Jeff Foxworthy 

September 27, 2018

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. 

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" 

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail." 

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" 

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games." 

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" 

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." 

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?" 

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...." 

September 26, 2018

Is licking someones balls having sex? I think it's just foreplay.

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try. 

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN 

6-7 lb. baking chicken 
1 cup melted butter 
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.) 
1 cup uncooked popcorn 
(ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to taste 
______________________________ 
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. 

Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done. 

And you thought I couldn't coo

September 25, 2018

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. 

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway. 

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 

If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF'D UP? 

Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film. 

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges? 

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?! 

If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way? 

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 

September 24, 2018

We've all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to hear all the choices the lucky touch-tone dialers receive. Well, think how frustrating that would be if you were calling the.... PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE The telephone rings and an answering machine answers... "Welcome to the psychiatric hotline." If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly. 

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2. 

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. 

If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call. 

If you are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press....no one will answer any way. 

September 21, 2018

What Shakespeare Really Meant

By Scott Roeben 

was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy words. Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare's quotes into modern day English. It's about time we were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe. 

Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting. 
Translation: We should masturbate more. 

The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground. 
Translation: Only fight sissies. 

Great floods have flown from simple sources. 
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period. 

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. 
Translation: Let's kill all the lawyers. Really. 

Be to yourself as you would to your friend. 
Translation: It's OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would. 

Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful? 
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips. 

Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once. 

I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss. 
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether. 

Men at some time are masters of their fate. 
Translation: Get married and you're screwed. 

They that thrive well take counsel of their friends. 
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them. 

That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman. 
Translation: If you're desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex. 

O, flatter me, for love delights in praises. 
Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size. 

The course of true love never did run smooth. 
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup. 

I'll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after. 

Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost. 
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country. 

Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain. 
Translation: With a little help from our friends at Massengill, that is. 

Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear. 
Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot. 

'Tis better to be brief than tedious. 
Translation: Nooners rock. 

My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires. 
Translation: You've never had twins and you never will. Get over it. 

 

September 20, 2018

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. 

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. 

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. 

Variation Law:
If you change lanes (traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). 

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. 

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 

Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. 

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. 

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are. 

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's really ugly. 

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet. 

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 

September 19, 2018

While the barber is lathering the man up for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks. 

The barber replies with a solution and pulls a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place the wooden ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and you will have a close shave on that side." 

The man does this, and the barber shaves the right side of his face. 

"Wow," exclaims the man, "that is great!" He puts the ball on the left side of his mouth, and with muffled voice asks, "Wht happons if I akkidentally swawo du bawll?" 

The barber says, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else. 

September 18, 2018

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac. 

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed: 

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in. 

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived. 

3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number. 

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon." 

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left. 

6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves. 

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toolbooth, offered the security men money. 

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass. 

9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered. 

10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. 

In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported. 

September 17, 2018

Brain Cramps

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. 

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey 

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti smoking campaign. 

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. 

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. 

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. 

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas. 

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark 

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing! it." -- Al Gore, Vice President 

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle 

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President 

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca 

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony. 

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst. 

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. 

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President 

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP 

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery 

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina 

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman 

 

September 14, 2018

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. 

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes." 

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life. 

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents." 

"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured. 

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents," The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks. 

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. 

Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

September 13, 2018

Sam and Fred were out golfing, and as they approached the tee for the fifth hole, Sam turned to Fred and said, "Those two ladies on the sixth tee are too slow. Why don't you run up there and ask if we can play through?"
Fred jogged up to the sixth tee, and just before he got there, he turned and ran back to the fifth tee as fast as his legs could carry him! "I can't talk to those ladies! One of them is my wife and the other is my m*stress! You go up and ask them!"
Sam jogged up to the sixth tee, and just before he got there, he turned and ran back as fast as his legs could carry him! As he approached Fred, he exclaimed, "By God, it's a small world, isn't it?"

September 12, 2018

George Carlin's Philosophy Class 

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
22. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
25. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
26. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
27. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
28. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
29. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
30. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
31. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
32. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
33. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
34. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
35. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
36. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
37. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
38. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
39. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

 

September 11, 2018

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. 

On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not. 

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance. 

The world's full of apathy, but I don't care. 

Perspective is in the eye of the beholder. 

Prejudiced people are all alike. 

What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds? 

Evil isn't all bad. 

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity. 

Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness. 

There's no such thing as nonexistence. 

Cooperation can only be reached if we work together. 

As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question. 

He doesn't have much of a reputation or so I've heard. 

I disagree with unanimity. 

I have my doubts about disbelief. 

Avoid alliteration...always. 

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 

One should never generalize. 

Avoid cliches like the plague. 

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 

Profanity sucks. 

I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not. 

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. 

Death to all fanatics! 

An oral contract isn't worth the paper its written on. 

If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure. 

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous! 

I always wanted to be a procrastinator! 

Rehab is for quitters! 

The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are. 

Don't be redundant by repeating yourself. 

Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever? 

My identity lies in not knowing who I am. 

I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life. 

I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid. 

Free advice is worth what you paid for it. 

Entropy just isn't what it used to be. 

I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it. 

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can't. 

Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons. 

Life is full of uncertainties...or I could be wrong about that? 

Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary. 

Always remember you're unique...just like everyone else! 

September 10, 2018



Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. 

Four of his elves got sick, 

and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. 

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out...heaven knows where to. More Stress! 

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. 

Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. 

In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. 

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like me to put this tree fat man?" 

And this my friend is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree. 

 

Those scamps!

 

September 6, 2018

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth the time it takes to read them. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. The younger readers among you won't know who some of these people are. Go ask your parents (or grandparents)! 

Q. Do female frogs croak? 
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. 

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? 
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. 

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. 
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. 

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? 
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. 

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? 
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning. 

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? 
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. 

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"? 
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. 

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"? 
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. 

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? 
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. 

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? 
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. 

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? 
A. Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. 

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. 

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? 
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. 

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? 
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. 

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? 
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. 

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? 
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? 

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? 
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. 

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean? A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing. 

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? 
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected. 

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. 

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? 
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? 

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? 
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him. 

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? 
A. Charley Weaver: His feet. 

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? 
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. 

September 5, 2018

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" 

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. 

"Go get help.", he pleads. 

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." 

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help." 

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" 

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

September 4, 2018 I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday.

Headline Howlers 

Man Struck by Lightning faces Battery Charge 

Astronaut takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 

Kids make Nutritious Snacks 

Chef Throws his Heart into Helping Feed Needy 

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire 

British Union finds Dwarfs in Short Supply 

Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 

Lansing Residents can Drop off Trees 

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 

New Vaccine may Contain Rabies 

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing 

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing 

Steals Clock, Faces Time 

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff 

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni 

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board 

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction 

Include your Children when Baking Cookies 

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training 

 

August 31, 2018

You Know You're in California When...

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. 

You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house. 

You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. 

Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze. 

You can't remember...is pot illegal? 

You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. 

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian 

You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula. 

You can't remember.....is pot illegal? 

A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. 

A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast. 

Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. 

A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice. 

Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney. 

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. 

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag. 

You can't remember...is pot illegal? 

It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH." 

You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class. 

You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers. 

It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. 

Both you AND your dog have therapists. 

You can't remember...... is pot illegal??????? 

 

 

August 30, 2018

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?" 

The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one." 

The man says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

August 29, 2018

Two Martians land in the middle of the night in a closed gas station. They get out of their space ship. The Martians go up to a gas pump. One says to the other ," I think these are Earth people". 

"Take me to your leader!" replies the first Martian. No response. 

The second Martian whispers to his partner, "I don't think we should screw with this one". 

The first Martian says "Take me to your leader or we are going to blow you to kingdom come!" 

No response. 

With that, the first Martian takes out his laser gun and zaps the gas pump. It blows up and so does the gas station and the Martians are thrown into the air and land in a tree. 

The second Martian says to the other, "I TOLD YOU, WE SHOULDN"T FUCK WITH A GUY, WHO COULD WRAP HIS DICK AROUND HIS NECK AND STICK IT IN HIS EAR!"

August 28, 2018

August 27, 2018

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. 

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel." 

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents." 

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80." 

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

 

August 24, 2018 Protecting David-Christopher Grows Up 13, is posted here.

Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes. 

Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms. 

Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and gasped. 

"Moe!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this." 

"Yeah," Moe said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here."

 

August 23, 2018

Multi tasking.

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. 

The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" 

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?" 

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" 

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

 

August 22, 2018

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said. 

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on." 

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. 

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. 

"Who are you?" the man asked. 

"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

August 21, 2018

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. 

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it." 

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" 

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" 

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

August 20, 2018

A young lady stops by her grandmother's house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother. As they are chatting, her boy friend spies some peanuts on the coffee table. He begins munching on them as they converse. 

After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts. 

"Oh, your welcome young man," she says. "I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them."

August 19, 2018 I just came across this. Amazing performance.

 

August 17, 2018

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. 

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it." 

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" 

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" 

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on y

August 16, 2018

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the salesclerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" 

"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29." 

"I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good. 

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your hairy walnuts for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." 

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." 

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

August 15, 2018

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto". 

He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?" 

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night." 

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. 

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. 

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a sh*t first." 

August 14, 2018

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax---OH MY...!" 

Then silence. 

Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" 

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" 

August 13, 2018

A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" 

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" 

The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time." 

August 10, 2018

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snuck him on board the airplane. 

About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you okay, sir?" asked the stewardess 

"Yes, I'm fine," said the man. 

Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. "Are you sure you're alright sir?" 

"Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants." 

"What's wrong?" asked the stewardess. "Is he not housebroken?" 

"No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"

August 9, 2018

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: 'WW', 'WA', 'PP' and 'ATR'.

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow,these gals really have it nice." So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services." So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reach out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow."

 

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.

Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!"

 

August 7, 2018

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."

August 3, 2018



A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. "Is yer pa home?" he asked. 

"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town." 

"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?" 

"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa." "Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?" "No sir, he went with pa and ma." 

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. 

"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer pa." 

Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant." 

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that," he finally conceded. "I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Joe." 

 

August 1, 2018

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career ... so they decided to do a small test. 

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table ... then they hid, pretending they were not at home. 

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." 

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive ... the son saw the note they had left. 

Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. 

After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. 

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ... then he left for his room, carrying all the three items. 

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined ... " 

"Our son is going to be a politician!" 

 

July 31, 2018

Little David is in the 5th grade. Yesterday morning when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living, all the typical answers came up: fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. 

The teacher noticed that little David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so she asked him about his father. 

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and do it with him for money." 

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" 

"No," said David, red faced. "He plays for the Detroit Lions, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids." 

July 26, 2018

Dear Mrs. Fenton, 

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. 

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below. 

Sincerely, 

Mr. Wally Underpants
President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department. 

MEMO 

Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 

15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping 

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking. 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened. 

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department. 

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?' 

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose. 

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are. 

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. 

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" 

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!" 

(And; last, but not least!) 

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!" 

July 25, 2018

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so. 

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." 

A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie." 

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. 

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied. 

July 24, 2018

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. 

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. 

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." 

The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." 

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her." 

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." 

The other brothers were impressed. 

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: 

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." 

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks." 

"Michael, you gave me and expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same." 

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you." 

 

July 23, 2018 I feel like crap. Summer cold? Summer flu?

Signs Found In The Kitchen

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! 

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! 

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day. 

If you write in the dust, please don't date it! 

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener! 

A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life. 

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it! 

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. 

If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards. 

Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. 

It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse. 

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious. 

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand! 

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. 

My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines. 

I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump. 

Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess. 

Martha Stewart doesn't live here!! 

 

 

 

July 20, 2018

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. 

Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk. 

Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride. 

They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey. 

As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. 

The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass. 

July 19, 2018

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. 
Bad: It's triplets. 
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. 
Bad: She wants a divorce. 
Ugly: She's a lawyer. 

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing. 
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door. 
Ugly: So are you. 

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.. 
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. 
Ugly: You're in them. 

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. 
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills. 
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them. 

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion. 
Bad: He's a cross-dresser. 
Ugly: He looks better than you. 

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter. 
Bad: She keeps interrupting. 
Ugly: With corrections. 

8. Good: The postman's early. 
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun. 
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas. 

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new. 
Bad: It's another man. 
Ugly: He's your best friend. 

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job 
Bad: As a hooker. 
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients 
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do. 

July 18, 2018

3 guys walk into a bar
The first guy says "I have got the smallest arm in? the world"
The second guy "I have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy "I have got the smallest d*ck in the world"
The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records
The first guy comes back and says "I really do have? the smallest? arm in the world"
The second guy comes back and says "Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy comes back angry " Who the F*CK is JUSTIN BEIBER?

July 17, 2018

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door,she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" 

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old,unmarried,and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.Please, go away and leave me alone." 

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room,he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.! Please, go away and leave me alone." 

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. 

The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?" 

The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law." 

July 16, 2018

A teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?" 

"What's that?" asks her mother. 

"That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. 

"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. 

"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?

July 13, 2018

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant. 

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. " 

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ? 

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... " 

July 12, 2018 Religion is like pulling a comic book out of a garbage heap and concluding that Mickey Mouse created the universe.

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. 

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. 

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?" 

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

July 11, 2018

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians. 

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. 

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. 

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check. 

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, 

"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint." 

July 10, 2018

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." 

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams. 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up. 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up. 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!!" 

July 9, 2018

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son sees the shelf of condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex." 

The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." 

The son then picks up one with six condoms and asks, "Why six?" 

The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." 

The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. 

The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...." 

July 6, 2018

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months: 

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

July 5, 2018



"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?" 

"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. 

"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop. 

"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. 

"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. 

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?" 

"Yes." replied the officer 

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher 

"Uh... yes." replied the cop. 

"Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants." 

"What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop. 

"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher. 

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. 

The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......"

 

July 2, 2018 Caesar's month is here already. Hard to believe.

Gotta admit that is a nice pair.

There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. 

A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her. 

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her. 

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF* 

 

June 29, 2018

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." 

The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... " If you need anything just let me know." 

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!!!! He rushes out to her asking " What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay??" 

"No..." exclaims the blonde, " I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!!!!" 

June 28, 2018

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. 

She asked, "Do you have health insurance?" 

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." 

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" 

He replied, "No money in the bank." 

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" 

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." 

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." 

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law." 

June 27, 2018

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. 

The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half- full...of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it. 

Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. 

Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around. 

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones. 

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too! 

Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself...and your chins follow suit. 

You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big" questions -- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? 

June 26, 2018

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!" 

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!" 

Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

June 25, 2018

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. 

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."


The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. 

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

June 22, 2018

This is a very old joke.

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her p*ssy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says,"Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight p*ssy!".

June 21, 2018

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. 

"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. 

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. 

"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

June 18, 2018

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker". 

The man quickly responds, "the attorney's".
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"

February 28, 2018

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

February 26, 2018

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

February 23, 2018

A duck walks into a bar. The duck asks, "Got any grapes?" Then the bartender says "Sorry. I cannot help you with that." Then the duck leaves. Then the next day the duck comes back. "Got any grapes?" "No, and if you ask that again, ill nail your feet to the floor!" The duck comes back again. "Got any nails?" "No." "Got any grapes?"

February 22, 2018 The computer dumped everything from February so you're getting recycled January.

February 22, 2018

Familiarity breeds attempt.
Familiarity breeds children.
Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent.
Fill what is empty; empty what is full; scratch where it itches.
For every "10" there are 10 "1's".
For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

January 31, 2018 And he can cook, too.

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac. 

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed: 

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in. 

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived. 

3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number. 

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon." 

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left. 

6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves. 

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toolbooth, offered the security men money. 

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass. 

9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered. 

10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. 

In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported. 

January 30, 2018



I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter. 

So I went up to him and said, 

"Come on, how about giving a man a break?" 

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. 

So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!! 

So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! 

This went on for about 20 minutes and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. 

My car was parked around the corner... 

 

January 29, 2018 I had my sleep study last night. I stopped breathing 31 times an hour.

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen. 

The farmer mentioned the situation to the lake ranger. The ranger then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish. The ranger dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the ranger in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot. The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite. 

Ranger: "I'm going to have to place you under arrest - I am a Ranger and you are fishing illegally!" 

The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the ranger. Stranger: "Are you gonna talk or fish?" 

January 26, 2018

A man's wife asks him to go out and get her cigarettes. So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He 
goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he 
sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of 
beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in 
her flat.

After they've had their fun, he realizes that it's after midnight and 
says, "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any 
talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to 
rub on his hands and then he leaves. When he arrives home, his wife is 
waiting for him and she is pretty annoyed.

"Where the hell have you been?" she asks. 

"Well, darling, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but 
they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I 
saw this great looking woman there and we had a few drinks and one thing 
led to another and I ended up in bed with her." 

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You liar!! You went bowling again!!"

January 25, 2018

One day a blonde office worker comes out to the warehouse to walk around. As she is walking she looks up and sees a co-worker hanging upside down from an I-Beam in the ceiling.

She asks "What ARE you doing"?

The co-worker says "I need a few days off but the boss won't let me have them so I'm hanging upside down from this I-Beam acting crazy. 

The boss will see me, think I need rest and send me home for a few days".

The blonde says "That won't work...uh ohh...here comes the boss now, you're in for it".

The boss spots the blode looking up and sees the man hanging up there and asks him "Just WHAT do you think you are DOING?!!"

The man says (in a "crazy" voice) I'm a light bulb...I'm a light bulb"

The boss says "Buddy, you need some rest..take the rest of today and tomorrow off and get some sleep".

As he is climbing down he winks at the blonde showing her it worked.

The blonde thinks about this for a moment and starts to follow the man out the door.

The boss asks her "WHERE do you think YOU'RE going?"

The blonde says "I can't work in the dark".


 

January 23, 2018

Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had just transferred, answered an emergency call. When they walked into the house, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side. 

"No doubt about it," the new deputy said, "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." 

"You're right," the experienced deputy replied. "But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say, 'it could have been worse'." 

"No way. You're on." 

The old sheriff arrived at the scene. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies in the eyes. 

"But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse." 

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this house, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse." 

"Yes, it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me!"

January 22, 2018 Just got out of the hospital again after four more days in. They put me on Amioderone, a very dangerous drug, but one that seems to be working, at least for now.

Signs to Hang in the Office

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? 

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. 

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 

I have not yet begun to procrastinate. 

I don't suffer from stress. I'm just a carrier. 

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. 

 

January 16, 2018 How I spent most of my life.

One day a blonde office worker comes out to the warehouse to walk around. As she is walking she looks up and sees a co-worker hanging upside down from an I-Beam in the ceiling.

She asks "What ARE you doing"?

The co-worker says "I need a few days off but the boss won't let me have them so I'm hanging upside down from this I-Beam acting crazy. 

The boss will see me, think I need rest and send me home for a few days".

The blonde says "That won't work...uh ohh...here comes the boss now, you're in for it".

The boss spots the blode looking up and sees the man hanging up there and asks him "Just WHAT do you think you are DOING?!!"

The man says (in a "crazy" voice) I'm a light bulb...I'm a light bulb"

The boss says "Buddy, you need some rest..take the rest of today and tomorrow off and get some sleep".

As he is climbing down he winks at the blonde showing her it worked.

The blonde thinks about this for a moment and starts to follow the man out the door.

The boss asks her "WHERE do you think YOU'RE going?"

The blonde says "I can't work in the dark".


 

January 15, 2018

THREE GIRLS IN THE DESERT

A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert. The brunette says, "I brought some water so we don't get dehydrated." The redhead says, "I brought some suntan lotion so we don't get sunburned." Then the blonde says I brought a car door." The other girls said, "Why did you bring that?" Then the blonde says, "So I can roll down the window if it gets hot."

 

January 10, 2018

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." 

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. 

The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." 

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

January 8, 2018

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. 

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered. 

"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." 

Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." 

At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

January 5, 2018

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

January 3, 2018

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. 

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road. 

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times. 

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup. 

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. 

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. 

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month. 

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?" 

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. 

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman.... 

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN 

 

January 2, 2018 I can't believe I'm still alive to see 2018. So far it doesn't look all that great.

True love lasts forever It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’


 

 

December 26, 2017 Well, I hope your Christmas went well. I survived mine, which is a victory indeed. We went to see the new Star Wars movie. I think I'm too old for these movies. I kept thinking that if we really wanted to see a great movie we could have stayed home and rented, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner with Tracy and Hepburn, or The Lion in Winter, also with Hepburn but paired with O'Toole. Or a different Hepburn but also paired with O'Toole in the delightful How to Steal a Million.

My heart is still going crazy and I'm beginning to think I need to change doctors and hospitals.

Remember This At Christmas Time

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. 

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. 

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. 

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. 

 

December 21, 2017

From Rock.

 
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the
coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue 
to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
 
"It's Frank, the dwarf."

 

December 20, 2017

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, 

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, 

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." 

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" 

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?" 

December 19, 2017

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers: 

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. 

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well. 

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. 

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. 

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes. 

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. 

December 18, 2017 My heart ablation was on the 13th. It was a total failure and left me a bit worse than before. Spent a few days in hospital and got new meds. We'll see.

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers: 

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. 

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well. 

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. 

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. 

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes. 

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. 

 

 

 

 

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