My Gay Stories

January 31, 2010 I went to Urgent Care Clinic this morning and got a prescription for Augmentin. That seems to be the best thing for sinus infections. At least it's always worked in the past. They also told me to get Mucinex for mucus. Ugh. The human body is capable of all kinds of disgusting shit.

January 30, 2010 It's fucking freezing out and looks like the charcoal gray edges of hell, my blood pressure is dropping, I've got a sinus infection, a stomach ache, I'm a hypochondriac and my feet hurt. On the plus side, I'm changing my car insurance from Allstate to USAA and saving 30%.

January 29, 2010 Blood pressure plummeting again today. It's strange how this can happen a lot and then go away for months. But it really sucks when it's happening.

I'm still reading the crime novels of Robert Crais...but I'm running out of them. What I really like about his stories are his "heroes", Elvis Cole and Joe Pike. They're sexy and well written but also nice. They're people that you'd like to know. Or in the case of Joe Pike, get fucked by, over and over and over while Elvis Cole was shoving his dick down my throat. Joe is strong and silent and muscular and a killer. All the things I look for in a man. Hmmm. Where was I going with this?

Oh yeah! I'm running out of Robert Crais books and I need someone new. Any ideas? If you're currently reading someone, whose hero you wouldn't mind having shoot off in your mouth...well, let me know.

You know, my spelling is like, catastrophically bad. See! No, that's right! Maybe I can splee better than I tought.

Did you hear about the 83-year-old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?

January 28, 2010 My blood pressure is plummeting today and that always feels weird. Is that how you spell plummeting or is it plummetting?

I saw something on the internet that said that Apple would be charging between $12.99 and $14.99 for ebook downloads. I don't see how they'll compete with Amazon if that's true. And while I'm thinking about it; why didn't Apple make it so you could use wireless keyboard and mouse?

This weekend we have to redo the plumbing under the sink. When we put in the dispossal I think we fucked it up. It kinda works but kinda doesn't.

It's been really cold here today. Even now in late afternoon it's only 12 degrees and when I went to the gym at five-thirty this morning it was well below zero.

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

January 27, 2010 I'm trying to be enthusiastic about the new Apple Ipad butI'm not really sure that I understand the point of it. I mean, there really isn't enough storage or usability to replace your laptop and as an ereader it's maybe too big and heavy. What am I missing? Maybe when I actually see the thing it'll make sense, but at the moment it doesn't.

A group of 40 years old buddies discussed where they should meet for
dinner.

Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the waitress's there had low cut blouses and were
very young.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at
the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine
selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at
the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet
and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet
at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair
accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet
at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car..

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,

'If the car starts, I'm converting.'

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300�C.

January 25, 2010 I hate a late doctors appointment today. I hate it when I get out just in time to drive back across town in rush hour traffic. I'm really a lousy driver anyway.

I lifted this from the Bill in Exile web site and I guess that he got it from Matt Taibbi’s blog. It's regarding Scott Brown's victory. I maybe don't agree with every word but most of it.

. . . The lesson Obama should take from this is that people are not fooled by Obama throwing out platitudes like “I didn’t run for President to please fat-cat bankers” and then appointing people like Tim Geithner of Goldman Sachs to Treasury, keeping Ben Bernanke around, and having people who caused the economic pain for so many people like Larry Summers and Robert Rubin as his economic advisors. And are not fooled when he does nothing but mouth platitudes, or makes a scene of phoning a bank to tell them not to buy a plane, as the largest round of banking bonuses is handed out the year after they did the financial equivalent of blowing up the world. And are not fooled when he gives a speech to Wall Street politely requesting them not to be so greedy, and that they don’t need to wait for him to enact legislation to change their behavior. And are not fooled when all the popular elements of reform like a public insurance option are gutted out of the health care reform bill in order to “pass something” and call it a win, and then lie that you “never campaigned on a public option” (for someone who ran such a new-media campaign, it’s pretty brazen to act like in 2010, people don’t have the YouTubes!).

Health care reform with the public insurance option was popular with 60% of people – the health insurance industry giveaway without it is popular with about 30% of people. And people are not fooled when he generally doesn’t enact anything meaningful because he is so comfortable in his bubble and so weak and “above the fray” of the den of rats that is Congress that he bows and scrapes to the 60th corrupt, brainless, and paid-for Senator like Ben Nelson or Joe fucking Lieberman for absolutely anything and everything.

I think Obama and his circle really believed that if he just talked the talk, and acted more empathetic in his photo-ops, no one would notice they were carrying on with the contempt Bush and Republicans had for the general public. But people did notice, and people who they counted on before to volunteer and vote for them because “they have no one else to vote for” are sick and tired of playing that game – not seeing a meaningful difference between the parties, they didn’t play the game this time and either sat out or expressed their disgust.

Whether he will take that lesson remains to be seen. He seems incredibly tone-deaf to me, and the corporate donors to the Democratic Party have no interest in that message getting through. Whether he’ll even feel the inclination to act on that lesson if it actually does sink in is also highly questionable.

I came of voting age just a little before 2000, and could never really understand why people would “waste” a vote on someone like Nader. And although I was a supporter of Kucinich in 2004, once he was out, favoring Kerry made sense to me. But I’d never really had a real opportunity to see the modern Democratic Party running things in my adult lifetime.

Now I understand why people vote third-party. When the country is teetering on the brink and can’t get by on non-solutions anymore, and avoiding failed-state status actually depends on starting to fix the problems rather than just pretending it’s trying, and EVEN THEN the Democratic Party can only respond by offering trillions to Wall Street and legally requiring people who can’t afford health insurance to buy it from private, oligopolistic, profit-maximizing companies, all because of industry’s hold on Congress… then there’s nothing else you can do. In such a sick system, all you have left is your integrity as the country goes to hell, and I understand with crystal clarity why people vote third-party.”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

January 23, 2010 In relationships, both straight and gay, I think the case can easily be made for not marrying the person you fall in love with or maybe more correctly, not to use "love" as the basis for marriage.

You should probably marry your best friend and then never have sex with them because that'll screw it up. Of course for gay people this would end up with us marrying straight women so that doesn't seem like it'd work. But we could have sex with them a couple of times - just enough to get them pregnant and give us the kids we seem to crave - and then we could resume our lives of banging guys. I know an amazing number of people this seems to work for.

Conservatives would probably love this because it would give the illusion of normalcy, which is what they're all about, while allowing for all kinds of scandalous goings on, which is the other thing that they're all about.

So basically if we could just forget about the last fifty years and go back to the way things were prior to about 1960, things would be ideal.

Now I know that a lot of people are going to say that no one is more attractive to them than their spouse. To which I say, "Really?" Even more attractive than that fireman you saw outside the Firehouse, half-naked washing his fire truck with his big hose? Even better than him?

I used to have a neighbor who was a young fireman and who lived with another young fireman. They were both beautiful. After they broke up I did one of them. But that's besides the point! The point is, even hotter than him? I think not.

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".

The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,
down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

January 21, 2010 I realize that many people wouldn't agree with my musical taste but I put these videos here because I'm listening to them and hope that you might enjoy them too.

January 21, 2010 I need help from someone who's really familiar with Apple Itunes. I've reformatted my harddrive about five times in the last year and am getting tired of reconstructing my Itunes library so I've decided to try and back it up. Seems simple, right? Not for me.

Under the File heading I go to Library and click on Back Up to Disc and then select Back up entire library and playlists. Then when I click on Back Up nothing happens. So what am I doing wrong?

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

January 20, 2010 Chapter 5 of Protecting David-The Brothers is up and you can see it here.

January 19, 2010 Why are we Democrats so fucking pathetic? We really should hire Republicans to run the party for us because we are clueless. Maybe if Brown wins it will force the leadership to actually think.

I love the taste of celery and one of my favorite extremely low cal dishes is to take a lot of celery cut up into one inche pieces and to braze it with a lot of mushrooms. Just add a bit of water and a chicken bullion cube and let it cook. Both ingredients are almost calorie free.

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that ?!?"

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "Sure had a big dick."

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka; don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass."
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him.
When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

January 17, 2010 I watched Parting Glances last night on Netflix. I saw it originally at a theater in San Francisco when it first came out. I think it holds up reasonably well. There are lots of movies that were considered "important" that I don't think hold up nearly as well.

Another thing that I've been watching and enjoying is Dead Like Me. Well, I just watched the pilot, but I'm going to watch the rest.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified."

January 16, 2010 I made a pork rib roast today and it was great but then they had a program on television how about how they raise them and slaughter them. It's depressing.

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.
God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."

The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty."

The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

A child was continually asking his Mom to buy him a hamster.
When she did, the child looked after it for a couple of days, but soon he got bored, and it became the Mom's responsibility to feed it.
One day she got upset with the her son's carelessness and asked him, "How many times do you think this hamster would have died until now, if I wasn't looking after it?"
The child replied, "Um, I don't know. Once?"

A man is walking home when he sees a dog buying meat for his owner.The man watches the dog when the butcher takes a little to much and growls and him until he gets the right amount.
The man follows the dog and watches as the dog stands on two legs and helps an old lady across the street.
Amazed the man follows the dog home and watches the dog ring the doorbell. When the owner comes to the door the owner takes the bags and tells the dog to stay in the front yard.
Frustrated the man goes up to the owner and yells "This dog is amazing! He gets your groceries, makes sure you have the exact change, helps old ladies across the street and this is how you treat him!"
The owner replies" I know but,this is the 3rd time this week he left his keys".

January 15, 2010 A couple of very old beautiful and gentle songs, sung beautifully by Ella. Oh well...we don't have Ella anymore but we do have that Lady Gaga person. Whoever the fuck that is.

January 13, 2010 Oh my God!!! Gasp!! Hugh Hefner has broken up with the Shannon twins! Who are only like twenty lifetimes younger than he is.

A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HEL-LOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!!!

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.
Hey, asked the brunette at the wheel, see any cops following us?
The blonde turned around for a long look. As a matter of fact, I do.
Oh, NOOOO! yelled the brunette. Are his flashers on?
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."

January 12, 2010 If you stay at home to wait for a UPS or Fedex delivery they won't come until like 5:30 in the evening. If you don't stay at home and wait for them they'll be there at nine in the morning. Either way the whole day is fucked.

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.
For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.
When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.
Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.
Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"
Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.
"There are no fish under the ice!!"
Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?"
The voice boomed back, "NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner somethin' that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You can't unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life.. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in...

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight,he'll just kill you.

Live simply ~ love generously ~ care deeply ~ speak kindly ~ leave the rest to God.

And remember:

When you quit laughing, you quit living.

January 11, 2010 With the very real possibility of we Democrats losing control of the congress in the mid term elections one must wonder how Obama is going to make good on his promises to us. Now there's something to lose sleep over.

I have a new 23" monitor coming tomorrow. That'll be nice. You think that I can hook that monitor up using HDMI? And on Friday my Roku player should be here, if the weather cooperates. Do you use Netflix? Is it worth it?

Ok, So superman was flying around on day after he had saved the world. "Man that was hard work, Now I need to relax and fuck a bitch."
And so he went to the batcave. He walked over to batman and asked, "You know any hoes that just want to have sex?"
Batman looked and replied, "Well I heard superwomen wants to have sex."
Superman looked at him and shook his head,"Well superwomen wants to have sex with EVERYONE."
So in turn he goes to robin, "Look robin I know your gay and all but do you know any hoes that want to fuck."
Robin replies, "Well I heard superwomen's pretty good."
Superman looks and says,"Well EVERYONE hears superwomen is good."
Pissed superman flies off. While hes flying he passes over a field. He looks down and sees superwomen completly naked with her legs spread.
Superman thinks to himself, "I can get in and out in faster than a speeding bullet."
So he flies down gets in and gets out faster than a bullet.
Back in the field superwomen looks around and says, "What the fuck was that?"
and The Invisible Man says, "I don't know but my ass hurts."

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

January 9, 2010 I've been fighting a sinus infection today and cleaning the house and Bob has been in the basement doing manly things. He's also been screaming for help like a little girl about every two minutes.

Videos that will make you happy. A splash of twelve year old Scotch on a couple of very clear ice cubes wouldn't hurt either.

A little while later Johnny's dad hears a commotion coming from Johnny's bedroom, he rushes in and is horrified to see Johnny shagging his gran ! Johnny just looks at him and says 'not so funny when its your mum is it ?'

Ok, So superman was flying around on day after he had saved the world. "Man that was hard work, Now I need to relax and f*ck a b*tch."
And so he went to the batcave. He walked over to batman and asked, "You know any hoes that just want to have s*x?"
Batman looked and replied, "Well I heard superwomen wants to have s*x."
Superman looked at him and shook his head,"Well superwomen wants to have s*x with EVERYONE."
So intern he goes to robin, "Look robin I know your gay and all but do you know any hoes that want to f*ck."
Robin replies, "Well I heard superwomens pretty good."
Superman looks and says,"Well EVERYONE hears superwomen is good."
Pissed superman flies off. While hes flying he passes over a field. He looks down and sees superwomen completly naked with her legs spread.
Superman thinks to himself, "I can get in and out in faster than a speeding bullet."
So he flies down gets in and gets out faster than a bullet.
Back in the field superwomen looks around and says, "What the f*ck was that?"
and invisible man says, "I don't know but my ass hurts."

LITTLE KIDS...
>
> It was the first day of school for the kindergarten class.
> As the
> teacher walked in the classroom, she noticed something was written on

> the chalkboard : T T T 1 A ..
>
> She looked at the children and said , 'Who wrote this ?'
>
> Little Keith raises his hand and says , ' I did, teacher '. '
>
> Well , what does that mean , Keith ? ' asked the teacher.
>
> Keith answers , ' It means , ' To The Teacher 1 Apple '
>
> and with that, he gave the teacher an apple.
>
> 'Very good,' says the teacher, 'Thank you'.
>
> The next morning , the teacher walks in the classroom and notices once

> again, something written on the board. This time, the chalkboard
> reads:
>
> T T T 1 O -
>
> She asked the children , 'Who wrote this?'
>
> Then little Bobby answers,
>
> 'I did, teacher..'
>
> The teacher says, 'Well , Bobby, what does that mean?'
>
> Bobby says, 'It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Orange ',
>
> and he gives the teacher an orange.
>
> 'Very nice, Bobby, thank you', said the teacher.
>
> The next morning ,she walks in the classroom, and she noticed on the
> board
> :
> 'F U C K 1 T'.
>
> Disappointed, the teacher exclaimed, 'WHO WROTE THIS!?!'
>
> Then little Juanito raises his hand and says,
>
> 'I did, teacher.'
>
> Angrily, the teacher asks, 'Well, what does this mean, Juanito ? '
>
> It means, 'From Us Chicano Kids , 1 Tamale.'
>
> ......It's always the little Chicano kids that get in trouble for no
> reason at all...
>

When the man told her it would cost $10, she
exclaimed: "I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he
walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.

"Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did. He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did. "Now take down my zipper".

She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out...." he said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well............ go ahead".

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...........

"Hello. Mom, can you hear me?"

January 7, 2010 I was standing naked in the bathroom shaving and I had my razor in one hand and shaving cream in the other and then I had to pee but the toilet lid was closed. It's kind of a pity that we can't do with our dicks what an elephant does with his trunk. You know, pick up a peanut or a toilet seat.

Your mom is sitting across the breakfast table from you and suddenly she scowls and yells, "Howard, stop eating with your penis!"

I love Chinese food but don't often get to eat it. So my question is, what should I order? What do you like?

January 6, 2010 And here I thought that I just might make it through a winter without a cardiac episode. Wrong. At least the EMT's are getting cuter.

Little Sally came home from school with a proud smile on her face.
She told her mum, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today."
Before mum could raise a concern sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut....."
With a secret smile mum asked, "Was it really small?"
Sally replied, "No... really salty!"

Lady goes to doctor with a bee up her fanny.
Doc says, "Im gonna rub honey on my d*ck and insert it, when the bee smells it, I'll pull out and he'll follow."
Doctor starts and woman begins to moan. Doctor gets faster and harder.
Woman yells, "What the f*ck you doing?"
Doc says, "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard."

Ben asks his new girlfriend for a hand job. 'Ive never done that' she says, 'what do I do ?' 'Well' replies Ben, 'remember when you were a kid and you'd shake a coke bottle and spray your brother with it ... that's what you do.' She nods, so he pulls his manhood out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A minute later, he has tears running down his face, snot flowing from his nose and wax flying from his ears. She asks 'Whats wrong ?'
Ben cries 'TAKE YOUR FUCKING THUMB OFF THE END !!!'

January 4, 2010 Leo smells of poop. And even after a somewhat embarrassing search I don't know where it's coming from. Cats, unlike humans, are not poopphobic. Maybe it's not, "the more poop the better", but close to that. Oh well, we'll adapt.

I found a great new way to eat Acorn Squash. I microwave them and then fill up the middle with medium hot salsa. That's really good.

A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in sex.
Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.
So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy.
"Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself.
That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.
Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
"No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"

"That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you -- Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty.' "

A young man walks into a bar and orders a Kamikaze.
As soon as he is severed he slams it down. And before the bartender can walk away he calls out I need a shot of Tequila.
So the bat tender pours the tequila. And no sooner than he is server he slam it back and then the young man asks for a shot of Gin.
The bar tender compiles with the request, and out of curiosity asks the young man are you celebrating?
The young man nods, and says quietly mt first blow job.
The bartender smiles and says I remember my first.
The young man looks up and says so how did you get rid of that taste?

Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen .

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

After working together for a while, Frank and Jane's office romance blossomed and they really developed the hots for each other. One day,they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust.
Frank finds Jane very tight and difficult to enter, but finally succeeds.
When they are finished, Frank says to her, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time!"
To which Jane replies, "If I'd known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

January 2, 2010 Bob and I drove down to Illinois today so that we could shop someplace different for a change. I got underwear. Big fucking deal.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s*xual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

Undertaker to bereaved husband.
When did you 1st notice your wife was dead?
Well he replies, "The s*x was the same but the dishes were starting too pile up."

Bloke in hospital with 60% burns, Dr. says, "Give him two Viagra."
Nurse asks, "Do you think that will help?"
Dr replies, "No but it will keep the sheets off his legs!!!"

If you read Miguel Sanchez's Julio and The Ranch then check out www.garysgarden.us three of his stories show how the Ranch got started. The titles of the stories are Patient John Doe, My Carl, and finally My Flock. Miguel and his grown kids show up in John Doe. Then John Doe and My Carl merge in My Flock.


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