May 29, 2012 All the politicians want a strong military, but none of them, or at least very few of them, felt they could take the time out of their lives to serve in the military. No, Harvard was just too important, or Yale or Princeton, but a big military with lots of wars and lots of death, absolutely. This country will never really understand what war and the threat of war is all about until we bring back the draft. Everyone should have to serve, no exceptions. The benefits that would flow from this would be substantial, and not the least of these would be kids going on to college with a much finer appreciation for what real life is and with the skills to succeed. The all volunteer military is a huge, huge mistake.
May 25, 2012 The weekend is here. Here in the States it is Memorial Day weekend, which is basically the beginning of summer. How are you going to spend the weekend, cookouts, frolicking in the green grass and warm sun, sucking cock? I'm reading John Sandford's latest, Stolen Prey, his books are a semi-annual treat. Well, whatever you do, don't do anything too stupid or anything an emergency room can't repair.
T H EJewish E L B O W
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 .. There is a big panel at the front door.
With your elbow , push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and
with your elbow , push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow , hit my doorbell.”
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? “
"What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?"
Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my
chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anudder man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Time's up' "?
The Mexican Housekeeper
The Mexican Housekeeper asks for a pay Increase.
The woman of the house was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you, Senora."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so, Senora."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you, Senora."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did, Senora."
Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed, Senora."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Senora... "The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
May 24, 2012 From Douglas.
MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those, who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH
A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.
If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
Jawl-P? means, Did you all go to the bathroom?
People actually grow,eat and like okra.
Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do that.
There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.
Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'
You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
Ya'll is singular. All ya'll is plural.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.
You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip.
Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss(first name) or Mr.(first name)
You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
You know what a hissy fit is..
Fried catfish is the other white meat.
We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!
You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.
May 23, 2012 Egyptian elections, Euroturmoil, and Hooplehead religious nutery. A North Carolina pastor wants all us homos put behind an electric fence and allowed to starve and die. Naturally since gay people are created in the same way that straight people are this numbskulls plan wouldn't work. You would think that the religious people of the world would be embarrassed at the stupidity that this displays. I mean shit, you're worried about gay people when you've got an asshole like this running your church? Not that he's all that much worse than all the other leaders of all the other churches and synagogues and mosques. C'mon people, take your heads out of your asses and fucking THINK!
How to Deal with Telemarketers
Joke submitted by: Anonymous
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems
to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . ." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services....
You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are
5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you
BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
6. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends . . . would you be my friend?"
8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."
You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)
May 22, 2012
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys...
all on different limbs,... at different levels,...
some climbing up.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
I wanna go to his doctor.
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?"she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."
May 21, 2012 I love this song and thought that you might, too. If you remember the first time you fell in love the words will make sense to you.
May 21, 2012 I woke up tired this morning and it hasn't gotten any better. I wonder if I'm catching a cold or if this is just hypochondria. I wish Bob was a doctor. That would be like a dream come true on so many levels. Or, they could just let me write my own prescriptions. That'd be a dream come true, too
Is sex work??
An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group
Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that
his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his
usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of
sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Wing Commander chimed
in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.
A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending
upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the
Group Captain turned to the Corporal who was in charge of making the
coffee. What was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be
100% pleasure" The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess,
asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would
have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the lower ranks.
May 19, 2012 One of the best stories I've ever read on the internet is an incest story called Me and Dad by Tim Foure back around 1999, 2000. Incest stories usually tend to be creepy with characters that you would never want to know in real life. Since then I've tried to read other stories, but mostly they're really bad. The other day I stumbled across a story that is as good as Tim Foure's and I suggest you check it out. I think the authors name is Josh, but I'm not really sure of that, anyway, these are characters that you'd like to know. http://www.nifty.org/nifty/gay/incest/brothers-at-play/
May 18, 2012 I was thinking about John Edwards today. What an idiot. I mean, first of all, you're cheating on your wife, who is dying from cancer, while you're running for the presidential nomination? And then all the lies. I think he'll end up in prison and he deserves it, if only for stupidity.
I just got my Zenni Optical glasses and they are very nice, very good quality. I always order the upgraded polycarbonate lens and it's a nice uptick in quality overe the standard lens. I think the extra charge was only $20 or something.
BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer ?100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, ?200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
"See, I got one too."
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.
For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder,point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable.
Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.
Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette".
So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will provide you with oral sex - take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette.
He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part?
Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador Answered, "One of them is a cannibal"
May 17, 2012 My bank just sent me an email telling me that my debit card may have been compromised so they're sending me a new one. But I checked my account and everything seems okay. I'm constantly getting phishing email. You know, the phony Yahoo email where they tell you your account is going to be deleted unless you send them all your vital info. I've gotten those regarding Amazon, too. The Amazon one is more subtle. They say that your order has been cancelled per your request, but you never ordered anything so you click on the order number to see what they're talking about. Nasty. I sure hope Apple knows what they're doing with no anti-virus software.
I was just reading about Mary Kennedy committing suicide. That's terrible, of course, but I was trying to remember if I had ever heard of another woman committing suicide by hanging. I can't think of one.
With a big strong man like you around I wouldn't have to worry about phishing.
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
May 16, 2012 Absolutely nothing happened today. Mostly I've been working on the next The Good Doctor chapter.
Bet With Caution
One day a drunk man told the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender grinned and said, "Okay, you drunk." The drunk pulled out his right fake eye and bit it. After more drinks the drunk said, "I bet you $200 I can bite my left eye." The bartender knew it could not be fake, so he said, "Okay." The drunk pulled out his dentures and bit his left eye. The bartender, by now was really mad. After a few more drinks, the drunk said, "I'll bet you $500 that if you slide a shot glass down the bar, I can hop on each stool and pee in it without getting a drop on your bar." The bartender knew he could not do it so he said okay. The bartender slid the shot glass as fast as he could. The drunk jumped on stools and peed all over the bar. The bartender jumped up and screamed in joy because he won $500. In the back he heard, a man yelling in frustration. He asked the man why. The man replied, "That drunk fool bet me $1000 that he can pee on your bar and you would be happy about it!"
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested
that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained
weight, talked excessively without making sense,
became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and
refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
May 15, 2012 So, will Greece default on its debt? Probably, but I'm not sure it matters. I don't think anyone is going to try and force them out of the EU and they'd be crazy to leave on their own. My guess is that the same thing will happen if we default on our credit cards, they'll get a lot of nasty letters and eventually they'll pay. Frankly, I think the worst thing to be doing is to be trying to make them feel like shit about it. It's the kind of problem that will be worked out if everyone stays cool and tries to be reasonable.
What Your Drink Says About You
Joke submitted by: Anonymous
Bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to Earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years . . . Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.
Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
Then there is the male addendum .... The deal with guys is, as always, = very simple and clear cut.
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give two shits about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something.
White Zin: He's gay.
May 14, 2012 (Sigh!) I have fucked up this program almost to the point where nothing works anymore. Everytime I make a Blog entry I end up pushing whatever buttons I have to to make things work, but the mistakes are building up. Oh well. Dreamweaver keeps telling me that I've named mulitple things with the same name and I guess I'm not supposed to do that, I guess, but I'm not really sure. And the column to the left of this keeps changing its size and then it won't let me even start typing so I just deleted the size, but there will probably be consequences. There really is no substitute for actually knowing what you're doing.
There are a lot of Arabs living in Wisconsin, but then there seem to be a lot of Arabs everywhere. Not that it’s germane to what I wanted to talk about, but really, where are they all coming from? I mean for decades there weren’t any Arabs, you couldn’t have found an Arab on a bet, and now they’re like everywhere. Not that that’s necessarily a bad thing, I’ve benefited from the skills of a remarkably good Arab surgeon, but it’s something I’ve noted. Anyway, my whole point is, why do Arab women wear those headscarfs, which supposedly, are for modesty, and at the same time wear skin tight jeans with the most egregious camel toe? How the fuck is that modest? Not to mention it’s disgusting.
Watch porn, at its most seductive.
Beer Warning Labels
Joke submitted by: Anonymous
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 AM.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and knees.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
May 12, 2012
May 11, 2012 In the last couple of weeks I've had two blood tests, two urine tests and an ultra-sound. And I'm not even sick, well, you know, physically. They don't know about...the voices.
This is something to think about. I may have posted this before, but if I did, watch it again. It'll be good for you.
Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"
May 10, 2012 Anyone surprised that Romney was a bully in "Prep" school? When I take the time to think about people going to "Prep" school, I realize that most of us have nothing whatever to say about how the country is run. The United States really is an oligarchy. One day we should change that.
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
May 9, 2012 I dropped my glasses in the shower yesterday and fucked em up, so I just ordered new ones from Zenni. At one fifth the price of even WalMart Optical you gotta wonder how other optical retailers stay in business.
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in
the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her
nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later,
the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then
shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was
still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when
the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body
shaking ever more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to
the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've
sneezed three times, wipe your nose and then shudder violently.
Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very
rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still
curious. " I have never heard of that condition
before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
May 8, 2012 How could you not like this guy? Yes, I'm still thinking about naked farmers...and what I'd like to do to him with my tongue.
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."
O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer,
and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
May 7, 2012 France will have a socialist government. That ought to be interesting. I may turn out that a socialist government can do the necessary things that a conservative government couldn't.
I've been thinking about farmers all day today. You know, horny ones. I remember as a young teenager the local farmer asking me if I wanted to feel his horses balls. Just to be clear, that was, his horses balls, not his horse balls, although if he was like every farmer I've met since then he would have had horse balls. In any event, I demurred, something I've regretted ever since, and even though I worked hard at making up for that loss with subsequent farmers, I still wish I had gotten him. But when you're thirteen you screw up, and at the time I couldn't imagine what he really was after and what I would have been thrilled to give him. I've noticed over the years that farmers are less fussy than the average guy about whether they're fucking boys or girls, accommodating natures that I find appealing.
Subject: Italian English
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops, and two Italian men get on. They sit dow,n and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" she retorted indignantly. “In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"
”Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'!
£5.00 says you will read this again!
A mother and father take their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.' The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “things” than his dad does. She replies, “The bigger they are, the dumber the man is”. Again, satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, he returns and promptly tells his mother, “Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.” ______________________________________________________________
For all you perfect English buffs ...
Cocktail lounge, Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
Doctor's office, Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.
Hotel, Acapulco: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Booklet about using a hotel air-conditioner, Japan: Cooles and heates: if you want condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour.
In a Nairobi restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
On the grounds of a private school: No trespassing without permission.
On an Athi River highway: Take notice: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
On a poster at Kencom: Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help.
In a City restaurant: Open seven days a week, and week-ends too.
One of the Mathare buildings: Mental health prevention centre.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand-dryer: Do not activate with wet hands.
In a Pumwani maternity ward: No children allowed.
In a cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
May 4, 2012 May 4, 2012 It's Friday and it's May. It could be worse, it could be a Monday in January. I went to Whole Foods today and had their Lobster Bisque soup and some of their amazing bread. It's probably best that their store isn't near me, I'd weigh a thousand pounds.
I've been reading about Chen Guangcheng in China, the activist that came to our embassy. I certainly sympathize with what he's trying to do in terms of civil rights, but really, there's not a whole lot more that we can do than be sympathetic. It's not like we can smuggle him out of the country, we would never stand for that here if the Chinese were trying to do it, if our positions were reversed.
For the Golfers
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plonks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster 540-yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green, and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had
happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in its paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped it right there on the green, and the ball popped out of its paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the damn putt, didn't you?"
One day, a farmer's donkey fell down into a dry well. The animal cried piteously for hours, as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway. It just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. The donkey soon realised what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up..
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping and never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
- Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
- Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
- Live simply and appreciate what you have.
- Give more.
- Expect less
NOW... Enough of that crap! The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
May 3, 2012 Almost ninety degrees here today. Thankfully that won't last.
From Douglas. I'm sure it won't surprise you to learn that there were supposed to be pictures with this, but I don't know how to do that and attempting it could easily cause a huge problem.
The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when youcannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, inspite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal and God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love foryou, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased..
And Dog was happy.
And Cat . . .
didn't give a shit one way or the other.
May 3, 2012 From Bruce.
HOW TO WASH THE CAT.
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet; the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside, where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
1. Money can not buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole’s name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
May 2, 2012 Today it's hot. And Leo and Tater are after a fly that somehow made it inside. The only injury so far is to the plant in the bathroom, but it'll recover. They will not rest until one of us kills that fly.
This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked.
She stuck her head out and said, 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...'
A man walked into a store and saw a blonde staring at a orange juice carton. When he went to pay for his goods he was laughing hystericly. The store clerk asked, "What is so funny?" The man simply replied, " I just relized that blonde over there is staring at the orange juice carton because it says CONCENTRATE!!"
May 1, 2012 Well, unless I'm mistaken, the British Parliament just concluded that Murdoch isn't fit to be the head of News Corp. Not that I believe for one moment that this will, in the end, mean anything, but it's good to hear. I suspect that the only concrete thing that will come of any of this is that a few of Murdoch's underlings will go to jail for a short time. I don't think either of the main Murdoch's involved in this will get more than a bloody nose. It may be though that David Cameron won't be that lucky.
Team work is a good thing.
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding
car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blond behind the wheel
was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious
to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn
and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
"NO," the blond yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?'
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!'
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height, please?'
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five foot two!'
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?'
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!'
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?'
'Ohh that!', replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''
April 30, 2012 I opened a bottle of Cupcake Vinyards Shiraz today and it was delightful. They source this from South Australia, where they know a thing or two about Shiraz, and the result is an extremely pleasant wine.
One day a blonde woman noticed her house was on fire. In a panic she called the Fire Department.
When the fireman answered, she yelled, "Help! Help! My house is on fire!"
"OK, Ma'am just tell us, how do we get to your house?"
The blonde replied "Duhhh!!! The big red truck!"
"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks
in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street. He'd been thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull wasfractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course and all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
April 27, 2012 I was watching a video today of the progress that's been made on the Ground Zero tower in New York. Maybe it's just me, but I wouln't want to be working in that building when it's finished. I mean, you know it's going to be a target and instead of making it a shorter and perhaps less likely target, it's the tallest structure in New York. It just seems dumb to me.
This is Rep. Paul Ryan. If you're a Democrat, he's the enemy, well, kinda. I disagree with him about a lotta things, but I gotta tell you, he's hot. Look at those bedroom eyes. Of course he's straight, there is that.
But just in case he's not your cup of tea.
Q: What do you call a blonde with one brain cell?
Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Q: What do you call a blonde with more than two brain cells?
A: A golden retriever.
A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex.
To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk.
Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"
April 26, 2012 I just cut the grass. I hate to do that! When I was a kid I spent a lot of time trying to kill the grass, but that's not an option now. You'd think someone would invent grass that grows to about two inches long and then stops.
I just fucked up the left hand column on this page and I'm not sure what I did. I mean, I didn't do anything, but I must have moved the mouse over something. I hate this program. I should probably try and learn the Apple web site program, but every time I look at it my eyes glaze over. Fuck it.
HOW BLONDE WAS SHE? She was soooo blonde... she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. she sold the car for gas money. she studied for a blood test and failed. she thought a quarterback was a refund. she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center. she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats. she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. she thought Taco Bell was where you pay your phone bill. she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK". she tried to alphabetize M&M's. she tried to drown a fish. she wrote "Capricorn" on the application where it said, "sign here".
A phone company put an ad in the paper in order to recruit workers. The next day, two groups of workers show up - a crew of five men and a crew of five blonde women.
The company can not decide who to give the job to, so they give the two groups a test. The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that must be installed into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first will get the job."
Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back. A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the male crew returns. "Yes!" they shout. "We came back first, so we get the job!"
"Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic or the truck breaking down."
"Fine, no problem," say the men. An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 8:30, the Blonde
crew arrives. All the group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor.
"What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously.
"What do you mean, 'what took so long?' Do we get the job?"
"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!"
"Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole in halfway!"
April 25, 2012 I've been following the saga of the Murdoch's and the Leveson Inquiry in England and, maybe, if you live in the UK you can help me to understand this. Does the Leveson Inquiry have any ability to throw anyone in prison or force them to go to trial? Obviously they have the ability to force people to appear before them, but does that lead to anything? I guess the closest thing we would have to it here in the States is a congressional inquiry or maybe a grand jury, but I'm not sure. I mean, I don't understand how James Murdoch would not already be facing charges for lying during his appearances before the parliament because the people who worked for him already said that he knew all about it.
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She took her seat in the examination hall, stares at
the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration took her purse out, removed a coin and
started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class was sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she said, "I am rechecking my answers."
There was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do ... I memorized all the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N", she answered.
April 24, 2012 The weather here is giving the first indications that maybe it's going to warm up a bit. So I planted a few things...like herbs. I plant herbs every year and then forget to use them.
Apple just blew away another quarter. What an amazing company. I've been in and out of the stock a dozen times.
There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off." After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.
Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you
"Yeah. What's it called Sharon?"
"Viens a moi."
"Viens a moi? What the does that mean?"
At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'"
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"
April 23, 2012 Well, apparently, consevative Christians are just beginning to figure out that people like to fuck more than they like to pray. What's so weird is that it's taken them this long to come to grips with it. Having lived in a bible belt area for a number of years I can tell you that there is no greater bunch of fornicators, drunks and drug addicts than denizens of said bible belt. I don't think I'm easily shocked, and believe it or not, I'm not at all judgemental, but I was staggered by their behavior. And if you talk to them they'll all tell you that the northern part of the U.S. is where all the evil is, but they underestimate themselves. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/23/evangelicals-sex-frank-talk_n_1443062.html
A blond, a brunette and a redhead escape from jail and decide to hide in a barn. As they hear the police closing in, they climb into the loft and hide in three empty burlap feed bags. A young officer climbed into the loft, shined his flashlight around, and decided to check the burlap bags. He kicked the first bag containing the brunette, and she responded with a convincing "woof woof". He kicked the second bag with the redhead inside, and she let out a perfect cat's meow. "Nothing up here but cats and dogs," the officer responded to his superior. Deciding to be sure, he kicked the last bag, the one containing the blonde. She yelled out "potatoes!!!"
A blonde went to her mail box several times way before it was time for the
mailman to make his rounds.
A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was
waiting for a special delivery.
"No," she replied, "My computer keeps telling me I have mail."