June 20, 2017 Tomorrow is the longest day of the year. It's all down hill from there.

June 19, 2017

June 15, 2017

June 14, 2017

June 9, 2017

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. 

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it. 

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet. 

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals. 

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. 

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely. 

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? 

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai. 

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single. 

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. 

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead. 

June 8, 2017

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects: 

1) argued over nothing.
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating. 

No further testing was considered necessary. 

June 7, 2017

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! 

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. 

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. 

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. 

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. 

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. 

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I can't enjoy a good Latte from Starbucks anymore because they WOULD NOT send any coffee to that poor Army Sgt who requested it. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. 

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. 

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. 

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. 

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. 

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. 

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life. 

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. 

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. 

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan 

I no longer worry about sudden cardiac arrest, since I can now cough myself back to life instead of wasting time calling 911. 

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. 

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. 

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. 

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything. 

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. 

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician, who is a lawyer. 

June 5, 2017

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 

b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. 

c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 

d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 

e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet. 

f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 

g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 

h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious 

i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 

j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 

k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 

l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again. 

m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 

n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 

o.. Eat well, stay fit--die anyway. 

p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 

q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 

r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 

s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 

t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it. 

u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 

v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 

w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 

x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator. 

y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. 

z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 

June 2, 2017

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still. 

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. 

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 

10.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.' 

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me. 

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.' 

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.' 

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. 

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 

21. A backward poet writes inverse. 

22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes. 

23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects. 

June 1, 2017

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out. 

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. 

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. 

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. 

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. 

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. 

Stupid b*tch...why else would I buy dog food?? 

May 31, 2017

Why is this the wrong blog? I have no idea. The computer or the program that does the web site just dumped the other one, so I decided to just take the April vlog and convert it to the 1st of June. This entire paragraph should tell you all you need to know about how little I know about making a web site.

April 29, 2017 Looking for a good title for a story? The Property of a Lady

April 28, 2017

A young lady stops by her grandmother's house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother. As they are chatting, her boy friend spies some peanuts on the coffee table. He begins munching on them as they converse. 

After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts. 

"Oh, your welcome young man," she says. "I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them."

April 27, 2017

On this morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby." 

The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?" 

She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me." 

"You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him. 

"You're right sir I think I will report him." 

The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."

April 25, 2017 The fleet's in!!!

April 24, 2017

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them. 

To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay. 

Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"

April 21, 2017

A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" 

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" 

The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time." 

April 19, 2017

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: 'WW', 'WA', 'PP' and 'ATR'. 

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow,these gals really have it nice." So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services." So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reach out for the ATR button. 

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow."

April 14, 2017

April 13, 2017

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air- craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight. 

The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab. 

They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.

April 12, 2017

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. 

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. 

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. 

Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. 

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!"

April 11, 2017

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. 

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. 

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."

April 10, 2017

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze. 

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. 

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. 

The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." 

"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs." 

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

April 6, 2017

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. 

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" 

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth." 

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree." 

April 5, 2017

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot." 

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted. 

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George. 

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. 

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister." 

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father." 

April 4, 2017

April 3, 2017

March 31, 2017

A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. 

The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. So what are your plans? The father asks the young man. I am a Torah scholar. He says. A Torah scholar, Hmmm, the father says. Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to? I will study, the young man said, and God will provide for us. 

And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves? asks the father. I will concentrate on my studies, the young man replies, God will provide for us. 

And children? asks the father. How will you support children? Dont worry, sir, God will provide, replies the fiancé. 

The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide. 

Later, the mother asks, How did it go, Honey? The father answers, He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks Im God 

March 30, 2017

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. 

"Why?" my daughter asked. 

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied. 

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart." 

I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." 

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. 

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." 

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my fac

March 29, 2017 Some of the nicest people on the planet suck cock...including, probably, your mom. In Iceland it's assumed that your kids will watch you and your significant other having sex. How else would they learn how to do it?

My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." 

My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." 

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!" 

My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?" 

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!" 

My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. 

My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!" 

My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?" 

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand." 

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home." 

My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when we get home." 

And, my all-time favorite - JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like!" 

March 28, 2017

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor 

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present." 

Not to worry," said the dad.."the important thing is that we're all here together today." 

Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great, Dad just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry." 

"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here." 

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything." 

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today." After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married." 

The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?" 

"Yep," said the dad..."and cheap ones too!" 

March 27, 2017

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." 

"But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead. " 

"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino." 

"Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. What do you do than? Point to your watch and say TIMES UP?" 

March 24, 2017