March 11, 2010 Guess who showed up here today looking all buff and horny. BB. It made for a very good afternoon. He had been in Florida for the last couple of months trying to find work, or at least that was the story.
March 11, 2010 Re the story snatcher. The folks at GayAuthors site reacted very quickly and the story is gone and the guy is banned.
March 10, 2010 Apparently someone has ripped off one of my stories, namely The Dark Side of the Moon. Someone going by the name Sidravel23 rearranged the words a bit and posted it here. I sent an email and hopefully they'll take it down. It is kind of discouraging though.
I guess that I'm still in a Peggy Lee mood. A beautiful song sung so well.
March 10, 2010 Another balmy day here in Cheeseland. Well, balmy and wet. But the rain is good, it's getting rid of the remaining snow and ice.
I just remembered that I left the wine I bought sitting in the back seat of my car. Be right back. Okay, that's safely put away. There was another New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc that was on sale and that I have high hopes for. I'll let you know how it works out.
Green things are happening on the south side of the house. My chives are beginning to pop up and the tulips are too. There may also be Crocus's too but I'm not sure, Bob is the flower grower. The flowers that I care most about are Peony and Lilacs and we need to plant them both.
How about some jokes?
what men would do if they had a vagina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
what women would do if they had a penis for a day
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9......
Gold Medalist
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."
March 9, 2010
Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
March 8, 2010 It's been like, balmy, today. Just a few minutes ago it was 51 degrees and for March, that's warm. Almost all of the snow in the front yard has melted although the back yard still looks like a glacier. But I guess that I don't trust it. It feels like we're being set up for something. This winter has made me pessimistic.
A couple of months ago Bob bought an Electrolux vacuum cleaner. It was beautiful, expensive and he just had to have it. It is gorgeous but as far as I'm concerned it has a few fatal flaws. First of all it doesn't have one of those self-storing cords, you know, that winds itself up. Second, it's heavy as fuck. The heaviest vacuum cleaner I've ever used. And third, I suck better than it does. It seems like a vacuum cleaner ought to at least be good at that.
Now...what was my point? Oh! I just had to use it to suck up the dirt from a plant that cats knocked over. Bad kitties! Bad bad kitties!!
This morning at the gym I was turning my wet towel in and just getting ready to leave and when I picked up my gym bag my back went out. I mean, that seems so unfair! Here I made it through my whole workout unscathed and then a five pound gym back does me in. That sucks.
March 7, 2010 More Peggy.
And more Peggy.
And a bit of Chet Baker.
March 5, 2010 You know, I've come to realize that I have a phobia about ending stories. I really like all of the characters and when I end a story is kinda like they die...kinda. I guess that's why I put it off.
Anyway, here's the last chapter of The Good Doctor. Ended awkwardly. But then I'm sure that I'll start writing it again so it's a little like they're on vacation. Click here.
The weather here for the last few days has been almost balmy. Not as balmy as in the picture but still nice.
March 4, 2010
A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."
One day little Johnny came home from school and asked his mom about curting. Flustered, she replied, "Tonight go watch your sister when she comes home with her boyfriend. That's courting."
The next day, Johnny tells his mother what happened. "Well, Sis and her boyfriend came home last night and sat on the couch. They started kissing and stuff and I think sis was getting sick because she kept making faces. Her boyfriend must have thought so to, because he started feeling for her heartbeat like the doc. He wasn't as good as the Dr. though, he missed an awful lot. That's when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis said she was really hot. Then her boyfriend ripped off her blouse and bra, and I saw why he couldn't get to her heart, there were these big bumps on her chest! He then ripps off her skirt and undies and she has grown a lot of hair there, she should clean it more often. I guess her boyfriend thought so to because he started sucking there, licking and using his fingers. Then sis yelled out to God and unzipped her boyfriend's pants. This big snake jumped out and sis started to try and bite it's head off. She stopped trying an then it squirted all over the couch. Then sis took off his pants and sat on the snake, I think they were trying to squish it. Sis started to bounce up and down on it. She said it was nearly as big as Daddy's! Suddenly, she stopped and said she wasn't on anything, but her boyfriend said it was too late. They had both cum. So, did I explain it right?"
His mom fainted.
March 3, 2010 Why is it impossible to buy a Large Tall Sweatshirt at any normal retail store? I finally had to order them from LL Bean. I like LL Bean but paying thirty bucks for a sweatshirt just seems wrong.
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
at bottom of application where it says Sign Here - she put Sagittarius.
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
when I gave her a dollar and asked for a quater back, she gave me Dan Marino.
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
I saw her walking down the street yelling into an envelope, asked what she was doing, and she said sending a voice mail.
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
I told her Christmas was just around the corner and she went looking for it.
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
I taught her how to do the running man and I haven't seen the bitch since.
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
her shirt says TGIF- tits go in first.
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
her shoes say TGIF- toes go in front.
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod.
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
her idea of safe sex is locking the car doors.
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
if brains were gas she wouldn't have enough to power a flea-mobile around the inside of a Fruit Loop.
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911
I swiped this from Bill in Exile. I'd like to do the guy on the left. Okay...the other guy too.
March 2, 2010 I'm approaching doneness on the last chapter of The Good Doctor. For those of you who may have been wondering.
So God calls to Adam and says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
Adam replies, "The good news."
God answers, "Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain."
Then Adam says, "OK, so what's the bad news?"
And God says, "I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time."
What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying... A prick is the guy who owns it.
From David.
Laws of Household Physics:
1. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
2. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the
number of TV remote-controls divided by the number of viewers.
3. The capacity of any hot-water heater is equal to one and
one-half sibling showers.
*******************
One father to another: "Things sure were a lot different
when we were boys. My son has a color TV, a computer, a VCR,
a stereo, a radio, and a telephone in his room. When I want
to punish him, I have to send him to my room!"
*******************
A little girl complained to her father, "Daddy, I wish I
had a little sister!"
Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you
already have a sister!"
Confused, the toddler asked, "I do?"
"Sure," her dad said, pulling the kid's chain. "You don't
see her because every time you come in the front door, she
scoots out the back door!"
The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed,
"You mean just like my other daddy!"
March 1, 2010 "And now the lovely Miss Peggy Lee coming to you from the exciting Tip Top Tap Club high atop the Allerton Hotel in downtown Chicago and broadcast to you over the NBC Radio Network."
March 1, 2010
Oh well, it's a new month and the temps are rising so eventually all will be well.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
The National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
when she weighs herself the scale says "To be continued..."
Yo Mamma is so fat,
when she sits on a dollar, blood rushes out George Washington's nose!
Yo Mamma is so fat,
she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth!
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her belly-button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
when she walks in front of the T.V. you miss out on 3 commercials!
Yo Mamma is so fat,
people jog around her for exercise!
Yo Mamma is so fat,
she makes big bird look like a rubber duckie!
Yo Mamma is so fat,
she plays pool with the planets.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
it took 25 minutes to download a picture of her from the Internet.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
the telephone company gave her two area codes!
Yo Mamma is so fat,
when she ran out into the road in front of me, I tried to swerve round, but ran out of petrol.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
that after sex I rolled over twice and I was still on the bitch.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
the Goodyear blimp accidently flew into her mouth!
Yo Mamma is so fat,
when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo Mamma is so fat,
she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
Yo Mamma is so fat,
when she wears a yellow raincoat, people shout "Taxi!"
Yo Mamma is so fat,
when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her feet need license plates!
Yo Mamma is so fat,
that she has to use a VCR for a pager.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her belt size is the equator.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her nickname is "Damn."
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her tailor takes her measurements in light years.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her college graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her skates went flat.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her blood type is Ragu.
Yo Mamma is so poor,
she can't afford to pay attention!
Yo Mamma is so poor,
when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!
Yo Mamma is so poor,
her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
Yo Mamma is so poor,
she drives a peanut.
Yo Mamma is so poor,
when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."
Yo Mamma is so poor,
she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
Yo Mamma is so poor,
she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.
Yo Mamma is so poor,
she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."
Yo Mamma is so poor,
your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yo Mamma is so poor,
when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"
From Laurie.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to
teach good manners, asked her students the
following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her
that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would
be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to
go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain
and for once show us your good manners?'
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused
for a moment? I have to shake hands with a
very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to
introduce you to after dinner.'
