I've added some porn to the X-rated page so check it out. I'll do this more often. Then we can all beat off to the same stuff. It's nice to do things together.
New Lawyer
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.
As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."
"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."
"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."
This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.
What can I do for you?"
The man replied "I'm from the phone company..I came to hook up your phone."
Smartest Man in the World
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
March 18, 2010 Geez! I almost forgot to remind you! Gander Mountain has Browning BPS Tactical Shotguns on sale. In 12 guage with buckshot loads it's just perfect for home defense and it comes with a seven shot magazine. You can put away a lot of intruders with this baby! And that pesky neighbor who just can't seem to stop himself from ratting you out to the cops for...well, almost no reason at all? Well, with 00 buckshot you could probably remove the wheels from his car...while he was in it.
March 18, 2010 It's 65 degrees and sunny out at the moment and this weekend we're supposed to have freezing temps and six inches of snow. Go figure.
I just watched the fat guy that lives across the street walk out of his house about ten feet and get in his car which he then backed up fifty feet to get his mail from his mail box. Then he drove back and went in his house. I guess that's his workout for the day.
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
March 18, 2010 From Lori.
Tips for Handling Telemarketers
Three Little Words That Work !!
(1)The three little words are: 'Hold On, Please...'
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the phone company's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.
These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a 'real' sales person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!
(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get 'ads' enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these 'ads' with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.
When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 41 cents postage 'IF' and when they receive them back..
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.
One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 41 cents.
The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again You get the idea !
If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.
March 17, 2010
March 17, 2010 From Laurie.
Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over
> at him and asks the question, "What would you do if I died? Would
> you get married again?"
>
> HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
>
> WIFE: "Why? Don't you like being married?"
>
> HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
>
> WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
>
> HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
>
> WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
>
> HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
>
> WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
>
> HUSBAND: "Sure. It's a great house."
>
> WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
>
> HUSBAND: "Where
else would we sleep?"
>
> WIFE: "Would you let her
drive my car?"
>
> HUSBAND: "Probably. It is almost new."
>
> WIFE: "Would you replace my picture with hers?"
>
> HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
>
> WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?"
>
> HUSBAND: "No. I'm sure she'd want her own."
>
> WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?"
>
> HUSBAND: "Yes. Those are always good times."
>
> WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?"
>
> HUSBAND: "No. She's left-handed........"
>
> WIFE: - silence -
>
> HUSBAND: " . . . . . . . . Shit."
>
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo
clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted.
March 16, 2010
Presents for the Wife
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.
After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."
Signs That You are Too Drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.
Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor..
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
I'm as sober as a judge.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.
March 15, 2010 It is just crazy warm here, in the fifties. Is it possible that this will last? I sure hope so.
Low Sperm Count
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
Growing Wild
Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."
The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"
The first little old lady says, "Look at that."
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."
"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."
"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."
"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."
"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."
"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."
"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."
"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"
From Laurie.
A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks, in the
sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter,
do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's
on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,
or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle
bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
March 13, 2010 I'm aggravated about politics at the moment and sorely tempted to write about it but I'm not going to. Everybody who is likely to agree with me already does and no one else is going to. I mean I can't even convince Bob so how am I going to convince anyone else?
How about some watch porn? Does it make you hard?
And here's the regular stuff.
March 12, 2010 So how was your week? Everything go smoothly? My week was okay. It was fairly profitable which is always nice. Fucking BB was certainly nice. There has been a few health issues but then that's how life is. I have lots of back problems and they also have some sort of weird affect on my chest muscles which can sometimes be alarming as that kind of mimicks a heart attack at times and at other times makes it feel like I'm having trouble breathing. That makes for some interesting moments but I'm dealing with it. And it doesn't happen all the time. It's not like a constant thing but it can hit unexpectedly.
Proud Texan Father
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"
"Yup, shore am!"
"How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."
The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.
After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."
March 11, 2010 Guess who showed up here today looking all buff and horny. BB. It made for a very good afternoon. He had been in Florida for the last couple of months trying to find work, or at least that was the story.
March 11, 2010 Re the story snatcher. The folks at GayAuthors site reacted very quickly and the story is gone and the guy is banned.
March 10, 2010 Apparently someone has ripped off one of my stories, namely The Dark Side of the Moon. Someone going by the name Sidravel23 rearranged the words a bit and posted it here. I sent an email and hopefully they'll take it down. It is kind of discouraging though.
I guess that I'm still in a Peggy Lee mood. A beautiful song sung so well.
March 10, 2010 Another balmy day here in Cheeseland. Well, balmy and wet. But the rain is good, it's getting rid of the remaining snow and ice.
I just remembered that I left the wine I bought sitting in the back seat of my car. Be right back. Okay, that's safely put away. There was another New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc that was on sale and that I have high hopes for. I'll let you know how it works out.
Green things are happening on the south side of the house. My chives are beginning to pop up and the tulips are too. There may also be Crocus's too but I'm not sure, Bob is the flower grower. The flowers that I care most about are Peony and Lilacs and we need to plant them both.
How about some jokes?
what men would do if they had a vagina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
what women would do if they had a penis for a day
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9......
Gold Medalist
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."
March 9, 2010
Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
March 8, 2010 It's been like, balmy, today. Just a few minutes ago it was 51 degrees and for March, that's warm. Almost all of the snow in the front yard has melted although the back yard still looks like a glacier. But I guess that I don't trust it. It feels like we're being set up for something. This winter has made me pessimistic.
A couple of months ago Bob bought an Electrolux vacuum cleaner. It was beautiful, expensive and he just had to have it. It is gorgeous but as far as I'm concerned it has a few fatal flaws. First of all it doesn't have one of those self-storing cords, you know, that winds itself up. Second, it's heavy as fuck. The heaviest vacuum cleaner I've ever used. And third, I suck better than it does. It seems like a vacuum cleaner ought to at least be good at that.
Now...what was my point? Oh! I just had to use it to suck up the dirt from a plant that cats knocked over. Bad kitties! Bad bad kitties!!
This morning at the gym I was turning my wet towel in and just getting ready to leave and when I picked up my gym bag my back went out. I mean, that seems so unfair! Here I made it through my whole workout unscathed and then a five pound gym back does me in. That sucks.
March 7, 2010 More Peggy.
And more Peggy.
And a bit of Chet Baker.
March 5, 2010 You know, I've come to realize that I have a phobia about ending stories. I really like all of the characters and when I end a story is kinda like they die...kinda. I guess that's why I put it off.
Anyway, here's the last chapter of The Good Doctor. Ended awkwardly. But then I'm sure that I'll start writing it again so it's a little like they're on vacation. Click here.
The weather here for the last few days has been almost balmy. Not as balmy as in the picture but still nice.
March 4, 2010
A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."
One day little Johnny came home from school and asked his mom about curting. Flustered, she replied, "Tonight go watch your sister when she comes home with her boyfriend. That's courting."
The next day, Johnny tells his mother what happened. "Well, Sis and her boyfriend came home last night and sat on the couch. They started kissing and stuff and I think sis was getting sick because she kept making faces. Her boyfriend must have thought so to, because he started feeling for her heartbeat like the doc. He wasn't as good as the Dr. though, he missed an awful lot. That's when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis said she was really hot. Then her boyfriend ripped off her blouse and bra, and I saw why he couldn't get to her heart, there were these big bumps on her chest! He then ripps off her skirt and undies and she has grown a lot of hair there, she should clean it more often. I guess her boyfriend thought so to because he started sucking there, licking and using his fingers. Then sis yelled out to God and unzipped her boyfriend's pants. This big snake jumped out and sis started to try and bite it's head off. She stopped trying an then it squirted all over the couch. Then sis took off his pants and sat on the snake, I think they were trying to squish it. Sis started to bounce up and down on it. She said it was nearly as big as Daddy's! Suddenly, she stopped and said she wasn't on anything, but her boyfriend said it was too late. They had both cum. So, did I explain it right?"
His mom fainted.
March 3, 2010 Why is it impossible to buy a Large Tall Sweatshirt at any normal retail store? I finally had to order them from LL Bean. I like LL Bean but paying thirty bucks for a sweatshirt just seems wrong.
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
at bottom of application where it says Sign Here - she put Sagittarius.
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
when I gave her a dollar and asked for a quater back, she gave me Dan Marino.
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
I saw her walking down the street yelling into an envelope, asked what she was doing, and she said sending a voice mail.
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
I told her Christmas was just around the corner and she went looking for it.
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
I taught her how to do the running man and I haven't seen the bitch since.
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
her shirt says TGIF- tits go in first.
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
her shoes say TGIF- toes go in front.
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod.
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
her idea of safe sex is locking the car doors.
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
if brains were gas she wouldn't have enough to power a flea-mobile around the inside of a Fruit Loop.
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
Yo Mamma is so stupid,
on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911
I swiped this from Bill in Exile. I'd like to do the guy on the left. Okay...the other guy too.
March 2, 2010 I'm approaching doneness on the last chapter of The Good Doctor. For those of you who may have been wondering.
So God calls to Adam and says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
Adam replies, "The good news."
God answers, "Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain."
Then Adam says, "OK, so what's the bad news?"
And God says, "I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time."
What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying... A prick is the guy who owns it.
From David.
Laws of Household Physics:
1. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
2. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the
number of TV remote-controls divided by the number of viewers.
3. The capacity of any hot-water heater is equal to one and
one-half sibling showers.
*******************
One father to another: "Things sure were a lot different
when we were boys. My son has a color TV, a computer, a VCR,
a stereo, a radio, and a telephone in his room. When I want
to punish him, I have to send him to my room!"
*******************
A little girl complained to her father, "Daddy, I wish I
had a little sister!"
Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you
already have a sister!"
Confused, the toddler asked, "I do?"
"Sure," her dad said, pulling the kid's chain. "You don't
see her because every time you come in the front door, she
scoots out the back door!"
The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed,
"You mean just like my other daddy!"
March 1, 2010 "And now the lovely Miss Peggy Lee coming to you from the exciting Tip Top Tap Club high atop the Allerton Hotel in downtown Chicago and broadcast to you over the NBC Radio Network."
March 1, 2010
Oh well, it's a new month and the temps are rising so eventually all will be well.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
The National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
when she weighs herself the scale says "To be continued..."
Yo Mamma is so fat,
when she sits on a dollar, blood rushes out George Washington's nose!
Yo Mamma is so fat,
she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth!
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her belly-button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
when she walks in front of the T.V. you miss out on 3 commercials!
Yo Mamma is so fat,
people jog around her for exercise!
Yo Mamma is so fat,
she makes big bird look like a rubber duckie!
Yo Mamma is so fat,
she plays pool with the planets.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
it took 25 minutes to download a picture of her from the Internet.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
the telephone company gave her two area codes!
Yo Mamma is so fat,
when she ran out into the road in front of me, I tried to swerve round, but ran out of petrol.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
that after sex I rolled over twice and I was still on the bitch.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
the Goodyear blimp accidently flew into her mouth!
Yo Mamma is so fat,
when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo Mamma is so fat,
she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
Yo Mamma is so fat,
when she wears a yellow raincoat, people shout "Taxi!"
Yo Mamma is so fat,
when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her feet need license plates!
Yo Mamma is so fat,
that she has to use a VCR for a pager.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her belt size is the equator.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her nickname is "Damn."
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her tailor takes her measurements in light years.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her college graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her skates went flat.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her blood type is Ragu.
Yo Mamma is so poor,
she can't afford to pay attention!
Yo Mamma is so poor,
when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!
Yo Mamma is so poor,
her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
Yo Mamma is so poor,
she drives a peanut.
Yo Mamma is so poor,
when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."
Yo Mamma is so poor,
she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
Yo Mamma is so poor,
she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.
Yo Mamma is so poor,
she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."
Yo Mamma is so poor,
your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yo Mamma is so poor,
when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"
From Laurie.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to
teach good manners, asked her students the
following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her
that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would
be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to
go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain
and for once show us your good manners?'
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused
for a moment? I have to shake hands with a
very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to
introduce you to after dinner.'
