November 20, 2017
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
November 17, 2017
|Why Men Lie
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
"Yes", he replied.
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife!
November 16, 2017
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing.". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV.&n bsp; He seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later, he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Iowa lost today, but at least I got laid.
November 15, 2017
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God...
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathise or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well... He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
November 14, 2017
|World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a Princess "Will you marry me?"
She said "No."
...And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting and drank beer all day every day for the rest of his natural days.
November 13, 2017
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.
"Well, we got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers.
He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first"
November 10, 2017 I had a bacon/maple syrup wholewheat scone today that was amazing.
God and Adam are talking in the Garden of Eden one day and God asks "How are you doing?"
Adam replies "Everything is just perfect here. The only thing I have to complain about is that I am lonely most of the time."
God thinks for a minute and says " Well Adam, I can give you a mate that will cook for you, clean up after you, and love you forever and ever"
"That would be great" Adam says "But it sure sounds expensive, what would that cost me?"
" An arm and a leg" God says.
Adam thinks for a minute and asks God " What can I get for a rib?
November 9, 2017
This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However, women will also benefit by reviewing them, so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope (but not on the lips)!
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
5 You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.
What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "We have three of them?"
8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, (but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear.
9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
C. Remote control.
10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
November 8, 2017
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.
"This is a brothel" replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
November 7, 2017
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a nearby table. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man. Her note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."
The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her. His note reads: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850, and a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage. I have over twenty five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.
JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."
November 6, 2017
|Fifteen things to pass on to your daughters
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door behind him.
3. If they can put a man on the moon -- they should put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get men to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
14. Remember, a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
November 3, 2017
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked,"Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask.
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
November 2, 2017 I think I may have actually watched ALL the gay porn on the internet.
|Rules That Guys Wish Women Knew:
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point bank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - Not both.
23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Men are from earth; women are from earth. Deal with it.
26. Nothing says, "I love you" like sex.
November 1, 2017 He looks perplexed.
|Why Men Are Just Happier People!
What do you expect from such simple creatures!?
Their last name stays put.
The garage is all theirs.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
They can be President.
They can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell them the truth.
The world is their urinal.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at their chest when they're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
They know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
They can open all their own jars.
They get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Their underwear is $6.95 for a six pack.
Everything on their face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
They don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
They almost never have strap problems in public.
They are unable to see wrinkles in their clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
They don't have to shave below their neck.
Their belly usually hides their big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
They can "do" their nails with a pocketknife.
They have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
They can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.
October 31, 2017
Men are like ....... Laxatives ...... They irritate the @#%$ out of you.
Men are like ........ Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ......... Vacations ..... They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like ......... Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ......... Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ..... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ........ Coffee ...... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long.
Men are like ......... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ........ Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like ........ Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ........ Popcorn ....... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ......... Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ........ Parking Spots ...... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped
October 30, 2017
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says.
October 26, 2017
One day God and Adam were walking in the garden. God told Adam it was time to populate the earth.
He told Adam, "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam replied "God, what is a kiss?"
God told Adam and Adam went and took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam came back out with a big smile and said "Wow Lord! That was great!! What next?"
God said, "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Adam says, "Lord what is a caress?" God explained it to Adam and he again took her behind the bush.
A little while later, he came out and said "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What next." God said, "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to take Eve and make love to her."
Adam said "Lord, what is to make love?" God explained and Adam took Eve behind the bush and a few seconds later came out and said "Lord, what is a headache?"
October 24, 2017
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."
"Marvelous," says the man,
"book my wife for next Tuesday!"
October 23, 2017
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."
October 20, 2017 I don't agree with Trump, but I do agree with General Kelly when he said that the Florida comgresswoman should have stayed out of it, and I kind of wrote just about what Kelly said that he was told when his son died. I can't remember when I wrote this but it was a long time ago.
“I have come to terms with Jeff’s death, Mark. I did a long time ago. The best shrinks that money can buy have massaged my delicate sensibilities...but then I saw you at Monty’s party.” She turned to look at me and spoke almost in a whisper. “You have his eyes. They were the most remarkable eyes.” Then she slowly smiled at me. “Don’t worry Mark, I’m not gonna loose it.”
She stood up and walked back and forth in the room twisting her diamond ring with her right hand. “The one thing that’s....well haunted is probably too strong a word but I suppose we can use it. The thing that’s haunted me….as a mother, was the thought of my son’s final moments.” She waved her hand. “The military doctors have all told me that he wouldn’t have felt anything,” she sighed, “but I’m not an idiot. I know that they can’t know!” She stared at me, perhaps a bit embarrassed. “I know that you can’t know either, Mark” She dropped her hands and shook them. Then raised a hand to her forehead and laughed. “It’s all so stupid! I have no idea what I really want to know from you, Mark. It’s just your eyes.”
I got up slowly and walked over to Emma and gently took her by the hand and led her back to the sofa. I continued to hold her hand as I spoke. “Battle is a lot of different things, Emma, all mostly bad. Some guys die instantly, a bullet hits em and they’re dead before they realize that it’s even a possibility, some guys die horribly, torn apart, the blood draining unstoppably.” I looked into Emma’s eyes. “I’m not gonna try and sanitize this for you Emma. I don’t think you want that but if you do, stop me.”
“No Mark. I want to know the truth.”
“Your son may have been in pain, maybe a lot of it, but it seems that usually the worse the wound, the less the pain. The body is pretty good at giving us only what we can handle.” I gently massaged the tops of her fingers with my thumb. “Emma, I’m gonna tell you what I’d want to be told if Jeff had been my son.” She nodded almost imperceptibly. “When men are in combat their relationship with one another changes, no matter what their feelings for each other before, it brings them together. Nothing like terror to bring people together, anyway the emotions can get magnified.”
“Emma, the thing to hang onto is that when Jeff died, whether he was in pain or not, he was surrounded by guys who cared about him deeply, guys who loved him. And Emma, there are worse ways to die. Lingering in a nursing home with relatives who’ve grown tired of visiting is one that comes to mind and it’s the fate of millions of people. In contrast, dying quickly in the arms of guys that regard you as their brother, doesn’t sound so bad.”
An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old man looked at his wife and said "fuck you!"
A few minutes passed when the woman turned and said the same thing to her husband.
After about half an hour of this the old man said "I'll never understand why kids today like this oral sex so much!"