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- - - BLOG January 2017- - -
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 20, 2017 Trump's speach today did not give me hope, it filled me with dispair. Geez, I hope I'm wrong about him!

 

January 19, 2017

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." 

The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... " If you need anything just let me know." 

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!!!! He rushes out to her asking " What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay??" 

"No..." exclaims the blonde, " I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died to

January 18, 2017 Why can't there be such a thing as a pro-business liberal? You need strong businesses to have a strong economy and you need a strong economy to finance everything else. Actually I think many modern CEO's are pretty liberal, but they don't get much credit for it.

 

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. 
She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. 
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. 
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another. 

Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." 

She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?" 

The voice replied, "No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager...."

January 17, 2017

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. 

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So, I looked around my house to see things I started, and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines, and a box of Godiva Chocolates. 

You have no idea how freaking good I feel. 

January 16, 2017

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." 

The physician was checking her eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad." 

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. 

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo." 

January 13, 2017

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". 

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." 

This was not acceptable to the council either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Catatonics and High Colonics". 

No go. 

Next, they tried: "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives". 

Thumbs down again. 

Then came: "Minds and Behinds". 

Still no good. 

Another attempt resulted in: "Lost Souls and Butt Holes". 

Unacceptable to the city council .. again! 

So they tried: "Analysis and Anal Cysts". 

Not a chance. Too graphic, said the council. 

"Nuts and Butts?" 

Definitely not. 

"Freaks and Cheeks"? 

Shot down again. 

"Loons and Moons"? 

Forget it. 

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Odds and Ends". 

Everyone loved it. 

January 12, 2017

These are actual notes from Doctors patient charts... 

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely. 

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993. 

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful. 

8. The patient refused an autopsy. 

9. The patient has no past history of suicides. 

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. 

11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up. 

15. She is numb from her toes down. 

16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. 

17. The skin was moist and dry. 

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 

20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. 

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 

24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 

26. The patient was to have a bowel re-section. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead. 

27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present. 

28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor. 

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. 

January 11, 2017

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said. 

The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant." 

The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?" 

"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" 

The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?" 

"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up." 

January 10, 2017

January 9, 2017

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. 

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. 

The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. 

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers." 

January 7, 2017 Komrade Trump? "If you don't agree with me we will haf you loaded onto za trucks!"

January 6, 2017Something to think about.

http://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/trump-putin-and-the-big-hack?utm_content=buffer335eb&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer

 

 

What has six legs, two arms, four eyes and a tail? A man holding an aardvark.


A man wanted a new aardvark so he looked through the classified ads. He phoned a number he found and an elderly lady answered. "How much are your aardvarks?" he asked. "They're L6 each," came the reply. "Did you raise them yourself?" inquired the man. "Oh yes," she said, "Yesterday they were only L5 each."

How do you define an aardvark? Aan aanimal that resembles an aanteater!

Which aardvark holds the speed record? The nearsighted aardvark, who wrapped his tongue around a motorcycle!

Did you hear about the household appliance that eats ants and records TV shows? It's the VCRdvard

What do you call an aardvark that's good at golf? A paredvark!

How many aardvarks can ride on an elephant? Six... three on the back and three in the trunk!

What did the impatient waiter ask the gluttonous aardvark? Is that your final ant, sir!

January 4, 2017

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. 

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" 

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake." 

January 2, 2017

Happy New Year!

I had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was the size of a small auditorium, and it was filled with patients. 

I approached the desk and gave the receptionist -- a large, imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. In a very loud voice she repeated my name, then said, "Yes, I see your name here-----you want to see the doctor about IMPOTENCE, right? 

I was stunned, but recovered my composure sufficiently to reply in an equally loud voice, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation---and I'd like the same doctor who did yours!!" 

December 30, 2016

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. 

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So, I looked around my house to see things I started, and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines, and a box of Godiva Chocolates. 

You have no idea how freaking good I feel. 

December 29, 2016 Even the most loyal GOP party members have to be wondering about Trump's relulctance to hear anything negative about Putin. If Hillary had been elected with the same ties to Russia there would be twenty congressional committees planning her demise. But with Trump, conservatives suddenly believe in see no evil, hear no evil. It seems pretty obvious that Putin promised the election win in return for having the sanctions lifted. That is unless Trump promised him even more than that.

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenge 

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? 

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are 

DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas 

NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me 

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ... 

PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me. 

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why. 

DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely. 

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock... 

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away). 

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire 

 

December 28, 2016

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. 

Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. 

The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. 

The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" 

The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?" 

"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." 

The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?" 

"What? And work in the dark!?!" 

December 27, 2016

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" 

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." 

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks. 

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." 

"Like this?" 

"A little more..." 

"Like this?" 

"No. A little more..." 

"Like this?" 

"Yes. Does that hurt?" 

"A little bit." 

"Now stretch it over your head!" 

 

December 26, 2016 Well thank all gods that's over with.

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. 

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. 

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." 

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." 

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?" 

December 22, 2016

Three doctors were driving together to the hospital when they had an accident and all three died. They found themselves in front of the Pearly Gates, with St. Peter there shaking his head. 

"Gentlemen, I'm afraid Heaven is full - we just don't have room for you here," said St. Peter. "But, St. Peter, surely you recognise me!" the first doctor exclaimed. "I developed the DNA theory, and have helped improve millions of lives through my work." St. Peter shook his head, thinking, and finally said, "You're right, we just have to let you in. Come on -- we'll make room somehow." 

"And I know you recognise me, St. Peter," the second doctor said. "I developed the MRI, and because of my machine, millions of people with medical problems are helped." Again St. Peter is moved. "Yes, come on in. Surely you deserve to be here, too," he replies. 

Finally, the last doctor pipes in, "St. Peter, You must also know me -- I'm the doctor who developed HMOs." To this St. Peter only hesitates a moment, and then replies, "Yes, you, too, have a place in Heaven -- but you can only stay 3 days." 

December 21, 2016

This is cute.

 



Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!" 

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!" 

Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

 

 

 

 

 

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