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- - - BLOG August 2018- - -
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

August 14, 2018

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax---OH MY...!" 

Then silence. 

Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" 

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" 

August 13, 2018

A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" 

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" 

The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time." 

August 10, 2018

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snuck him on board the airplane. 

About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you okay, sir?" asked the stewardess 

"Yes, I'm fine," said the man. 

Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. "Are you sure you're alright sir?" 

"Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants." 

"What's wrong?" asked the stewardess. "Is he not housebroken?" 

"No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"

August 9, 2018

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: 'WW', 'WA', 'PP' and 'ATR'.

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow,these gals really have it nice." So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services." So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reach out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow."

 

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.

Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!"

 

August 7, 2018

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."

August 3, 2018



A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. "Is yer pa home?" he asked. 

"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town." 

"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?" 

"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa." "Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?" "No sir, he went with pa and ma." 

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. 

"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer pa." 

Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant." 

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that," he finally conceded. "I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Joe." 

 

August 1, 2018

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career ... so they decided to do a small test. 

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table ... then they hid, pretending they were not at home. 

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." 

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive ... the son saw the note they had left. 

Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. 

After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. 

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ... then he left for his room, carrying all the three items. 

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined ... " 

"Our son is going to be a politician!" 

 

July 31, 2018

Little David is in the 5th grade. Yesterday morning when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living, all the typical answers came up: fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. 

The teacher noticed that little David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so she asked him about his father. 

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and do it with him for money." 

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" 

"No," said David, red faced. "He plays for the Detroit Lions, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids." 

July 26, 2018

Dear Mrs. Fenton, 

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. 

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below. 

Sincerely, 

Mr. Wally Underpants
President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department. 

MEMO 

Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 

15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping 

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking. 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened. 

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department. 

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?' 

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose. 

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are. 

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. 

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" 

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!" 

(And; last, but not least!) 

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!" 

July 25, 2018

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so. 

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." 

A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie." 

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. 

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied. 

July 24, 2018

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. 

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. 

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." 

The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." 

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her." 

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." 

The other brothers were impressed. 

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: 

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." 

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks." 

"Michael, you gave me and expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same." 

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you." 

 

July 23, 2018 I feel like crap. Summer cold? Summer flu?

Signs Found In The Kitchen

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! 

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! 

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day. 

If you write in the dust, please don't date it! 

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener! 

A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life. 

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it! 

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. 

If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards. 

Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. 

It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse. 

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious. 

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand! 

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. 

My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines. 

I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump. 

Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess. 

Martha Stewart doesn't live here!! 

 

 

 

July 20, 2018

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. 

Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk. 

Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride. 

They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey. 

As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. 

The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass. 

July 19, 2018

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. 
Bad: It's triplets. 
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. 
Bad: She wants a divorce. 
Ugly: She's a lawyer. 

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing. 
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door. 
Ugly: So are you. 

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.. 
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. 
Ugly: You're in them. 

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. 
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills. 
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them. 

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion. 
Bad: He's a cross-dresser. 
Ugly: He looks better than you. 

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter. 
Bad: She keeps interrupting. 
Ugly: With corrections. 

8. Good: The postman's early. 
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun. 
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas. 

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new. 
Bad: It's another man. 
Ugly: He's your best friend. 

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job 
Bad: As a hooker. 
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients 
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do. 

July 18, 2018

3 guys walk into a bar
The first guy says "I have got the smallest arm in? the world"
The second guy "I have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy "I have got the smallest d*ck in the world"
The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records
The first guy comes back and says "I really do have? the smallest? arm in the world"
The second guy comes back and says "Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy comes back angry " Who the F*CK is JUSTIN BEIBER?

July 17, 2018

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door,she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" 

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old,unmarried,and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.Please, go away and leave me alone." 

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room,he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.! Please, go away and leave me alone." 

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. 

The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?" 

The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law." 

July 16, 2018

A teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?" 

"What's that?" asks her mother. 

"That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. 

"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. 

"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?

July 13, 2018

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant. 

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. " 

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ? 

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... " 

July 12, 2018 Religion is like pulling a comic book out of a garbage heap and concluding that Mickey Mouse created the universe.

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. 

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. 

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?" 

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

July 11, 2018

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians. 

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. 

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. 

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check. 

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, 

"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint." 

July 10, 2018

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." 

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams. 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up. 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up. 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!!" 

July 9, 2018

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son sees the shelf of condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex." 

The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." 

The son then picks up one with six condoms and asks, "Why six?" 

The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." 

The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. 

The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...." 

July 6, 2018

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months: 

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

July 5, 2018



"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?" 

"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. 

"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop. 

"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. 

"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. 

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?" 

"Yes." replied the officer 

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher 

"Uh... yes." replied the cop. 

"Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants." 

"What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop. 

"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher. 

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. 

The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......"

 

July 2, 2018 Caesar's month is here already. Hard to believe.

Gotta admit that is a nice pair.

There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. 

A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her. 

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her. 

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF* 

 

June 29, 2018

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." 

The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... " If you need anything just let me know." 

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!!!! He rushes out to her asking " What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay??" 

"No..." exclaims the blonde, " I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!!!!" 

June 28, 2018

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. 

She asked, "Do you have health insurance?" 

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." 

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" 

He replied, "No money in the bank." 

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" 

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." 

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." 

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law." 

June 27, 2018

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. 

The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half- full...of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it. 

Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. 

Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around. 

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones. 

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too! 

Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself...and your chins follow suit. 

You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big" questions -- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? 

June 26, 2018

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!" 

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!" 

Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

June 25, 2018

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. 

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."


The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. 

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

June 22, 2018

This is a very old joke.

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her p*ssy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says,"Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight p*ssy!".

June 21, 2018

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. 

"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. 

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. 

"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

June 18, 2018

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker". 

The man quickly responds, "the attorney's".
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"

February 28, 2018

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

February 26, 2018

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

February 23, 2018

A duck walks into a bar. The duck asks, "Got any grapes?" Then the bartender says "Sorry. I cannot help you with that." Then the duck leaves. Then the next day the duck comes back. "Got any grapes?" "No, and if you ask that again, ill nail your feet to the floor!" The duck comes back again. "Got any nails?" "No." "Got any grapes?"

February 22, 2018 The computer dumped everything from February so you're getting recycled January.

February 22, 2018

Familiarity breeds attempt.
Familiarity breeds children.
Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent.
Fill what is empty; empty what is full; scratch where it itches.
For every "10" there are 10 "1's".
For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

January 31, 2018 And he can cook, too.

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac. 

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed: 

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in. 

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived. 

3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number. 

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon." 

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left. 

6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves. 

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toolbooth, offered the security men money. 

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass. 

9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered. 

10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. 

In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported. 

January 30, 2018



I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter. 

So I went up to him and said, 

"Come on, how about giving a man a break?" 

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. 

So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!! 

So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! 

This went on for about 20 minutes and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. 

My car was parked around the corner... 

 

January 29, 2018 I had my sleep study last night. I stopped breathing 31 times an hour.

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen. 

The farmer mentioned the situation to the lake ranger. The ranger then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish. The ranger dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the ranger in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot. The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite. 

Ranger: "I'm going to have to place you under arrest - I am a Ranger and you are fishing illegally!" 

The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the ranger. Stranger: "Are you gonna talk or fish?" 

January 26, 2018

A man's wife asks him to go out and get her cigarettes. So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He 
goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he 
sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of 
beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in 
her flat.

After they've had their fun, he realizes that it's after midnight and 
says, "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any 
talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to 
rub on his hands and then he leaves. When he arrives home, his wife is 
waiting for him and she is pretty annoyed.

"Where the hell have you been?" she asks. 

"Well, darling, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but 
they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I 
saw this great looking woman there and we had a few drinks and one thing 
led to another and I ended up in bed with her." 

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You liar!! You went bowling again!!"

January 25, 2018

One day a blonde office worker comes out to the warehouse to walk around. As she is walking she looks up and sees a co-worker hanging upside down from an I-Beam in the ceiling.

She asks "What ARE you doing"?

The co-worker says "I need a few days off but the boss won't let me have them so I'm hanging upside down from this I-Beam acting crazy. 

The boss will see me, think I need rest and send me home for a few days".

The blonde says "That won't work...uh ohh...here comes the boss now, you're in for it".

The boss spots the blode looking up and sees the man hanging up there and asks him "Just WHAT do you think you are DOING?!!"

The man says (in a "crazy" voice) I'm a light bulb...I'm a light bulb"

The boss says "Buddy, you need some rest..take the rest of today and tomorrow off and get some sleep".

As he is climbing down he winks at the blonde showing her it worked.

The blonde thinks about this for a moment and starts to follow the man out the door.

The boss asks her "WHERE do you think YOU'RE going?"

The blonde says "I can't work in the dark".


 

January 23, 2018

Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had just transferred, answered an emergency call. When they walked into the house, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side. 

"No doubt about it," the new deputy said, "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." 

"You're right," the experienced deputy replied. "But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say, 'it could have been worse'." 

"No way. You're on." 

The old sheriff arrived at the scene. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies in the eyes. 

"But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse." 

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this house, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse." 

"Yes, it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me!"

January 22, 2018 Just got out of the hospital again after four more days in. They put me on Amioderone, a very dangerous drug, but one that seems to be working, at least for now.

Signs to Hang in the Office

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? 

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. 

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 

I have not yet begun to procrastinate. 

I don't suffer from stress. I'm just a carrier. 

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. 

 

January 16, 2018 How I spent most of my life.

One day a blonde office worker comes out to the warehouse to walk around. As she is walking she looks up and sees a co-worker hanging upside down from an I-Beam in the ceiling.

She asks "What ARE you doing"?

The co-worker says "I need a few days off but the boss won't let me have them so I'm hanging upside down from this I-Beam acting crazy. 

The boss will see me, think I need rest and send me home for a few days".

The blonde says "That won't work...uh ohh...here comes the boss now, you're in for it".

The boss spots the blode looking up and sees the man hanging up there and asks him "Just WHAT do you think you are DOING?!!"

The man says (in a "crazy" voice) I'm a light bulb...I'm a light bulb"

The boss says "Buddy, you need some rest..take the rest of today and tomorrow off and get some sleep".

As he is climbing down he winks at the blonde showing her it worked.

The blonde thinks about this for a moment and starts to follow the man out the door.

The boss asks her "WHERE do you think YOU'RE going?"

The blonde says "I can't work in the dark".


 

January 15, 2018

THREE GIRLS IN THE DESERT

A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert. The brunette says, "I brought some water so we don't get dehydrated." The redhead says, "I brought some suntan lotion so we don't get sunburned." Then the blonde says I brought a car door." The other girls said, "Why did you bring that?" Then the blonde says, "So I can roll down the window if it gets hot."

 

January 10, 2018

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." 

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. 

The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." 

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

January 8, 2018

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. 

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered. 

"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." 

Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." 

At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

January 5, 2018

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

January 3, 2018

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. 

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road. 

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times. 

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup. 

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. 

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. 

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month. 

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?" 

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. 

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman.... 

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN 

 

January 2, 2018 I can't believe I'm still alive to see 2018. So far it doesn't look all that great.

True love lasts forever It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’


 

 

December 26, 2017 Well, I hope your Christmas went well. I survived mine, which is a victory indeed. We went to see the new Star Wars movie. I think I'm too old for these movies. I kept thinking that if we really wanted to see a great movie we could have stayed home and rented, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner with Tracy and Hepburn, or The Lion in Winter, also with Hepburn but paired with O'Toole. Or a different Hepburn but also paired with O'Toole in the delightful How to Steal a Million.

My heart is still going crazy and I'm beginning to think I need to change doctors and hospitals.

Remember This At Christmas Time

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. 

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. 

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. 

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. 

 

December 21, 2017

From Rock.

 
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the
coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue 
to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
 
"It's Frank, the dwarf."

 

December 20, 2017

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, 

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, 

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." 

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" 

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?" 

December 19, 2017

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers: 

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. 

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well. 

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. 

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. 

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes. 

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. 

December 18, 2017 My heart ablation was on the 13th. It was a total failure and left me a bit worse than before. Spent a few days in hospital and got new meds. We'll see.

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers: 

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. 

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well. 

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. 

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. 

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes. 

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. 

 

 

 

 

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