November 26, 2014 I hope everyone has a nice Thanksgiving tomorrow.
Q: What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey trot
Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
A: Plymouth Rock
Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey because he's already stuffed!
Q: Why did the turkey play the drums in his band?
A: Because he already had drum sticks!
Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey because he's already stuffed!
Q: Why did the turkey play the drums in his band?
A: Because he already had drum sticks!
Q: What does Dracula call Thanksgiving?
Q: Why do pilgrims pants keep falling down?
A: Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
Q: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
A: I'll let you know next week.
Q: Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
A: The outside.
Q: Why can't you take a turkey to church?
A: Because they use such fowl language.
November 25, 2014
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy"
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.
Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
The Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
November 24, 2014
On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these same absolutely, stunningly beautiful desert (and deserted)Islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The 2 Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming...
The 2 Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The 2 Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant, and a laundromat. And have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for the store.
The 2 American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palmtrees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and at least the taxes are low, and it isn't raining....
The 2 Irish men have divided the Island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they are satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
November 21, 2014
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another.
Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?"
The voice replied, "No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager...."
November 20, 2014
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"
The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"
The brother replied, "Denephew."
November 19, 2014
There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They went to see a counsellor, and he decided that they had good problem solving skills.
He tried a test to narrow the area of specialty. He put each man in a room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table. He said "Boil the water". Both men moved the pot from the table to the stove and turned on the burner to boil the water.
Next, he put them into a room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the floor. Again, he said "Boil the water". The first man put the pot on the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be an Engineer, because he could solve each problem individually. The second man moved the pot from the floor to the table, and then moved the pot from the table to the stove and turned on the burner.
The counsellor told him to be a mathematician because he reduced the problem to a previously solved problem.
November 18, 2014
A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?"
"Well, yes, but only once."
"Once is all it takes" he replied.
Then the torso came out and it was yellow.
"Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?"
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.
When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian.
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.
He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"
November 17, 2014
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.
Two men were working on top of a building.
Unfortunately, they were not allowed any breaks by their boss. Unsurprisingly, during the day one man had to take a piss so he asked his co-worker to help him slide a plank of wood out the edge of the building, then his co-worker could stand on the end of the plank on the building while he walked out to the other end and take his piss.
While the guy was taking a piss the boss round the corner and his co-worker on the building end of the plank stepped off and attempted to appear active. The guy on the other end of the plank fell off the building and died.
A police investigation had to be carried out, since it appeared mysterious that a man would fall from a building holding his prick.
After questioning people who were around, only one old woman could give proper evidence.
When questioned she told the police that the man must have been having sex on the rooftop because as he was falling, he was crying, "Oh Lord the cunt moved".
November 14, 2014 It has been really cold here and it's about to get even colder. This is going to be a bad, bad, winter.
In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor and the housekeeper.
After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that. About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The Pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."
The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."
November 13, 2014
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
November 12, 2014 You know how you tell a Republican from a normal person? They're mad even when they win...they're always mad. Actually a state of unhappiness seems to be their preferred condition. They may even be unhappier now that they've taken the congress because now they can't just complain and complain and complain. Although now they seem to have taken to spuddering and mumbling.
In the old Wild West, a Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in a new Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a cowboy, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?"
"Ya mean women?" asked the cowboy. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks shag sheep."
"That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such moral degredation."
However, after a few months, the correspondent's balls were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations.
Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.
"You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been shagging sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!"
One cowboy spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"
November 11, 2014
Three guys go on a skiing holiday together and to save money they rented only one room. After a full day on the slopes, they return to their room, exhausted and cold.
To keep warm, they all sleep in the same bed. The next morning, the guy on one side of the bed says he had a funny dream that some one was jerking him off. The guy on the other side of the bed said that he had the same dream! The the guy in the middle said, "I had a dream last night, too. But I only dreamt that I was skiing."
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
November 10, 2014 So, we had an election, and many of my fellow Democrats seem to think the sky is falling. I suppose it's understandable if you were born in the last twenty years, but some of us remember a time when the Republicans and Democrats held differing opinions but still managed to do what was best for the country. To quote The Rolling Stones,
"You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you just might find
You get what you need"
Maybe you need this.
Three guys that all worked bulding high rise buildings sat down to lunch one day. The first one opens his lunch and says, "Tunafish, tunafish, I hate tunafish. If I get tuna fish one more time I'm jumping."
The other two guys open their lunches and say the same thing.
The next day the first guy opens his lunch and says, "Ah, ham and cheese."
The next two open their lunches and say, "Tunafish, tunafish, I hate tunafish. If I get tunafish one more time I'm going to jump."
The third day the first two guys open their lunches and both got their favorite sandwiches. The third guy opens his lunch and says, "Tunafish, tunafish, I hate tunafish. All right, that's it. I'm jumping." So he goes to the edge and jumps off.
The other two look on not beliving what just happened. After a while the first guy says, "Gee, that's sad. He actually jumped."
The second guy says, "Yeah, the worst part is that he packed his own lunch."
November 7, 2014
Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include...
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse"
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead".
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is now "better, faster and cheaper."
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
November 6, 2014
Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.
Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"
Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.
"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your Mother?"
Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."
"Excellent!!! So, are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"
November 5, 2014
A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
November 4, 2014
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
November 3, 2014
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."
Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin around when she hollars out... "Pa you need to fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, " there ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is now git out there and fix it."
So... Pa mosies out to the outhouse, look's around and yell's back, " there ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!"
Pa yell's back "I ain't sticking my head in that hole!"
Ma says "ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, pa sticks his head in the hole and looks around and yells back, "Ma there ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollars back, " now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, " Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the Toilet seat!"
To which ma replies "Hurt's , don't it?!
October 31, 2014 When I came out of the gym at six o'clock this morning my car was covered in snow...and it's still October. This is gonna be a horrible winter.
Watch this full screen, it's really beautiful.
Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job." Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."
October 30, 2014 Did I ever mention how much I hate Google Chrome?
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud! These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi school district. (Spellings have been left intact.)
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John Henry being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33
Please excuse Gloria Jean from Jim today. She is administrating
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he playing football. He hurt in the growing part.
Ethel Pearl could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Please xcuse LeRoy from school, he ain't got no rain cot and it was missing rain.
Please excuse Bowdiddly fom school cause he uncle died. Bow say, "I sho glad it want me."
Lugene will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side .
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had(diahre)(dyrea)(direathe) the s----. [Words were crossed out in the ( )'s}
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a weak from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Willie being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary Ann for being absent yestitty. She was in bed with gramps.
Lizie was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Brenda, she been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
October 29, 2014
There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’". "How do you play that?" asked the redneck.
"It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."
So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."
The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.
"You win for sure," they both said.
Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"
"Yup. I played this game called ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’ and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."
His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."
October 28, 2014 I know that the sales at McDonalds have been down lately and everyone is bored with their menu, but if you happen to be in one of their stores for breakfast give the #4 meal a shot. It is incredible.
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other
"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim...er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"
"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim...er I'd swim this river and knock your head off!!!"
This happened every morning for twenty years. One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and build a bridge. Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge.
Finally... Mrs. Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I cain't take no more!! Ever day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge...have at it."
Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonna cross that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!" He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up...
TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DOVE, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!
"Rufus!" cried to the misses. "I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge... I stepped up on the bridge...walked halfway over the bridge... looked up..."
"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" he ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!!!