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- - - BLOG February 2016- - -
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

February 6, 2016

 

The power mower was broken and wouldn't run. 

A lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. 

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. 

When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. 

He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. 

He was gone only a few moments. When he came out again, he handed her a toothbrush. 

"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "You might as well sweep the sidewalks." 

The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp. 

February 4, 2016

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." 

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" 

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." 

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" 

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." 

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy) 

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your assh*le before prison...." 

February 3, 2016

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. 

Man: Is there a problem Officer?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Man: Oh I see.
Officer: Can I see your licence please?
Man: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Man: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Man: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Man: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Man: Yes, and I killed and raped the owner.
Officer: You what?
Man: She's in the trunk if you want to see. 

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. 

Officer2: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The man steps out of his vehicle. 

Man: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Man: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please. 

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing bar an empty boot. 

Officer2: Is this your car sir?
Man: Yes, here are the registration papers. 

The officer is quite stunned. 

Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence. 

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. 

Officer2: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, raped and murdered the owner. 

Man: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

February 2, 2016 Just to remind you what it's all about.

I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor. 

"Has she started to neglect you?" 

"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex or says she has a headache." 

"So what's the problem?" 

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a bitch, die!'" 

February 1, 2016

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market called - "Beer" - is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. 

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs" Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. 

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." 

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. 

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. 

If you fall victim to this insidious 'Beer' and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. 

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages 

January 31, 2016

 

January 29, 2016 Pour yourself a glass of wine and spend a lovely hour.

 

January 29, 2016

Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big. What kind of car you get will depend on your answer." 

The first guy walked up and St. Peter asked him, "How long were you married?" He answered, "24 years." "Did you ever cheat on your wife?", St. Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times ... but you said I was forgiven." St. Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive." 

The second guy walked up and got the same question from St. Peter. He answered, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out." St. Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Lincoln." 

The third guy walked up and said, "St. Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" St. Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!" 

A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar, crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked him what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!"

January 28, 2016

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. 

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!" 

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." 

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable." 

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours." 

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife. 

"That's his mistress," says her husband. 

She replies, "Ours is prettier." 

January 27, 2016

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him. 

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" 

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked. 

"That's the one!" 

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?" 

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me." 

January 26, 2016

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. 

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. 

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." 

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. 

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

January 25, 2016

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. 

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on. 

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General." 

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. 

"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." 

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. 

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew. 

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?" 

"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked. 

"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?" 

January 22, 2016 Even though I could never come within a thousand miles of being able to afford something like this it's nice to know that somewhere someone does this work.

 

January 22, 2016

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number. 

The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million." 

To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." 

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it." 

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. 

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!''

January 21, 2016 The next chapter of Christopher Grows Up has been posted and can be seen here.

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians. 

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. 

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. 

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check. 

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, 

"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint." 

January 20, 2016

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely... 

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating. 

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it." 

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

 

 

 

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