September 17, 2018

September 14, 2018

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. 

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes." 

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life. 

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents." 

"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured. 

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents," The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks. 

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. 

Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

September 13, 2018

Sam and Fred were out golfing, and as they approached the tee for the fifth hole, Sam turned to Fred and said, "Those two ladies on the sixth tee are too slow. Why don't you run up there and ask if we can play through?"
Fred jogged up to the sixth tee, and just before he got there, he turned and ran back to the fifth tee as fast as his legs could carry him! "I can't talk to those ladies! One of them is my wife and the other is my m*stress! You go up and ask them!"
Sam jogged up to the sixth tee, and just before he got there, he turned and ran back as fast as his legs could carry him! As he approached Fred, he exclaimed, "By God, it's a small world, isn't it?"

September 12, 2018

September 11, 2018

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. 

On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not. 

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance. 

The world's full of apathy, but I don't care. 

Perspective is in the eye of the beholder. 

Prejudiced people are all alike. 

What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds? 

Evil isn't all bad. 

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity. 

Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness. 

There's no such thing as nonexistence. 

Cooperation can only be reached if we work together. 

As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question. 

He doesn't have much of a reputation or so I've heard. 

I disagree with unanimity. 

I have my doubts about disbelief. 

Avoid alliteration...always. 

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 

One should never generalize. 

Avoid cliches like the plague. 

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 

Profanity sucks. 

I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not. 

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. 

Death to all fanatics! 

An oral contract isn't worth the paper its written on. 

If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure. 

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous! 

I always wanted to be a procrastinator! 

Rehab is for quitters! 

The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are. 

Don't be redundant by repeating yourself. 

Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever? 

My identity lies in not knowing who I am. 

I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life. 

I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid. 

Free advice is worth what you paid for it. 

Entropy just isn't what it used to be. 

I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it. 

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can't. 

Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons. 

Life is full of uncertainties...or I could be wrong about that? 

Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary. 

Always remember you're unique...just like everyone else! 

September 10, 2018

Those scamps!

September 6, 2018

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth the time it takes to read them. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. The younger readers among you won't know who some of these people are. Go ask your parents (or grandparents)! 

Q. Do female frogs croak? 
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. 

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? 
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. 

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. 
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. 

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? 
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. 

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? 
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning. 

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? 
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. 

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"? 
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. 

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"? 
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. 

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? 
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. 

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? 
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. 

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? 
A. Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. 

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. 

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? 
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. 

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? 
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. 

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? 
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. 

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? 
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? 

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? 
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. 

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean? A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing. 

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? 
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected. 

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. 

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? 
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? 

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? 
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him. 

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? 
A. Charley Weaver: His feet. 

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? 
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. 

September 5, 2018

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" 

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. 

"Go get help.", he pleads. 

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." 

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help." 

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" 

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

September 4, 2018 I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday.

August 31, 2018

August 30, 2018

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?" 

The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one." 

The man says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

August 29, 2018

Two Martians land in the middle of the night in a closed gas station. They get out of their space ship. The Martians go up to a gas pump. One says to the other ," I think these are Earth people". 

"Take me to your leader!" replies the first Martian. No response. 

The second Martian whispers to his partner, "I don't think we should screw with this one". 

The first Martian says "Take me to your leader or we are going to blow you to kingdom come!" 

No response. 

With that, the first Martian takes out his laser gun and zaps the gas pump. It blows up and so does the gas station and the Martians are thrown into the air and land in a tree. 

The second Martian says to the other, "I TOLD YOU, WE SHOULDN"T FUCK WITH A GUY, WHO COULD WRAP HIS DICK AROUND HIS NECK AND STICK IT IN HIS EAR!"

August 28, 2018

August 27, 2018

August 7, 2018

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."

August 3, 2018

August 1, 2018

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career ... so they decided to do a small test. 

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table ... then they hid, pretending they were not at home. 

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." 

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive ... the son saw the note they had left. 

Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. 

After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. 

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ... then he left for his room, carrying all the three items. 

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined ... " 

"Our son is going to be a politician!" 

July 31, 2018

Little David is in the 5th grade. Yesterday morning when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living, all the typical answers came up: fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. 

The teacher noticed that little David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so she asked him about his father. 

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and do it with him for money." 

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" 

"No," said David, red faced. "He plays for the Detroit Lions, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids." 

July 26, 2018

Dear Mrs. Fenton, 

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. 

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below. 

Sincerely, 

Mr. Wally Underpants
President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department. 

MEMO 

Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 

15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping 

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking. 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened. 

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department. 

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?' 

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose. 

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are. 

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. 

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" 

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!" 

(And; last, but not least!) 

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!" 

July 25, 2018

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so. 

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." 

A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie." 

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. 

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied. 

July 24, 2018

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. 

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. 

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." 

The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." 

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her." 

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." 

The other brothers were impressed. 

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: 

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." 

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks." 

"Michael, you gave me and expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same." 

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you." 

July 23, 2018 I feel like crap. Summer cold? Summer flu?

July 20, 2018

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. 

Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk. 

Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride. 

They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey. 

As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. 

The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass. 

July 19, 2018

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. 
Bad: It's triplets. 
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. 
Bad: She wants a divorce. 
Ugly: She's a lawyer. 

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing. 
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door. 
Ugly: So are you. 

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.. 
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. 
Ugly: You're in them. 

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. 
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills. 
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them. 

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion. 
Bad: He's a cross-dresser. 
Ugly: He looks better than you. 

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter. 
Bad: She keeps interrupting. 
Ugly: With corrections. 

8. Good: The postman's early. 
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun. 
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas. 

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new. 
Bad: It's another man. 
Ugly: He's your best friend. 

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job 
Bad: As a hooker. 
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients 
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do. 

July 18, 2018

3 guys walk into a bar
The first guy says "I have got the smallest arm in? the world"
The second guy "I have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy "I have got the smallest d*ck in the world"
The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records
The first guy comes back and says "I really do have? the smallest? arm in the world"
The second guy comes back and says "Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy comes back angry " Who the F*CK is JUSTIN BEIBER?

July 17, 2018

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door,she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" 

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old,unmarried,and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.Please, go away and leave me alone." 

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room,he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.! Please, go away and leave me alone." 

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. 

The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?" 

The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law." 

July 16, 2018

A teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?" 

"What's that?" asks her mother. 

"That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. 

"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. 

"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?

July 13, 2018

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant. 

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. " 

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ? 

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... " 

July 12, 2018 Religion is like pulling a comic book out of a garbage heap and concluding that Mickey Mouse created the universe.

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. 

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. 

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?" 

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

July 11, 2018

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians. 

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. 

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. 

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check. 

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, 

"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint." 

July 10, 2018

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." 

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams. 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up. 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up. 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!!" 

July 9, 2018

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son sees the shelf of condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex." 

The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." 

The son then picks up one with six condoms and asks, "Why six?" 

The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." 

The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. 

The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...." 

July 6, 2018

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months: 

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

July 5, 2018

July 2, 2018 Caesar's month is here already. Hard to believe.

Gotta admit that is a nice pair.

There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. 

A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her. 

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her. 

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF* 

June 29, 2018

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." 

The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... " If you need anything just let me know." 

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!!!! He rushes out to her asking " What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay??" 

"No..." exclaims the blonde, " I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!!!!" 

June 28, 2018

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. 

She asked, "Do you have health insurance?" 

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." 

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" 

He replied, "No money in the bank." 

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" 

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." 

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." 

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law." 

June 27, 2018

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. 

The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half- full...of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it. 

Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. 

Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around. 

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones. 

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too! 

Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself...and your chins follow suit. 

You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big" questions -- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? 

June 26, 2018

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!" 

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!" 

Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

June 25, 2018

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. 

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."


The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. 

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

June 22, 2018

This is a very old joke.

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her p*ssy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says,"Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight p*ssy!".

June 21, 2018

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. 

"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. 

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. 

"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

June 18, 2018

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker". 

The man quickly responds, "the attorney's".
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"

February 28, 2018

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

February 26, 2018

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

February 23, 2018

A duck walks into a bar. The duck asks, "Got any grapes?" Then the bartender says "Sorry. I cannot help you with that." Then the duck leaves. Then the next day the duck comes back. "Got any grapes?" "No, and if you ask that again, ill nail your feet to the floor!" The duck comes back again. "Got any nails?" "No." "Got any grapes?"

February 22, 2018 The computer dumped everything from February so you're getting recycled January.

February 22, 2018

Familiarity breeds attempt.
Familiarity breeds children.
Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent.
Fill what is empty; empty what is full; scratch where it itches.
For every "10" there are 10 "1's".
For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

January 31, 2018 And he can cook, too.

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac. 

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed: 

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in. 

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived. 

3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number. 

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon." 

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left. 

6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves. 

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toolbooth, offered the security men money. 

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass. 

9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered. 

10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. 

In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported. 

January 30, 2018

January 29, 2018 I had my sleep study last night. I stopped breathing 31 times an hour.

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen. 

The farmer mentioned the situation to the lake ranger. The ranger then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish. The ranger dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the ranger in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot. The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite. 

Ranger: "I'm going to have to place you under arrest - I am a Ranger and you are fishing illegally!" 

The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the ranger. Stranger: "Are you gonna talk or fish?" 

January 26, 2018

A man's wife asks him to go out and get her cigarettes. So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He 
goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he 
sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of 
beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in 
her flat.

After they've had their fun, he realizes that it's after midnight and 
says, "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any 
talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to 
rub on his hands and then he leaves. When he arrives home, his wife is 
waiting for him and she is pretty annoyed.

"Where the hell have you been?" she asks. 

"Well, darling, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but 
they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I 
saw this great looking woman there and we had a few drinks and one thing 
led to another and I ended up in bed with her." 

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You liar!! You went bowling again!!"

January 25, 2018

January 23, 2018

Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had just transferred, answered an emergency call. When they walked into the house, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side. 

"No doubt about it," the new deputy said, "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." 

"You're right," the experienced deputy replied. "But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say, 'it could have been worse'." 

"No way. You're on." 

The old sheriff arrived at the scene. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies in the eyes. 

"But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse." 

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this house, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse." 

"Yes, it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me!"

January 22, 2018 Just got out of the hospital again after four more days in. They put me on Amioderone, a very dangerous drug, but one that seems to be working, at least for now.

January 16, 2018 How I spent most of my life.

January 15, 2018

January 10, 2018

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." 

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. 

The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." 

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

January 8, 2018

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. 

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered. 

"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." 

Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." 

At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

January 5, 2018

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

January 3, 2018

January 2, 2018 I can't believe I'm still alive to see 2018. So far it doesn't look all that great.

True love lasts forever It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

December 26, 2017 Well, I hope your Christmas went well. I survived mine, which is a victory indeed. We went to see the new Star Wars movie. I think I'm too old for these movies. I kept thinking that if we really wanted to see a great movie we could have stayed home and rented, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner with Tracy and Hepburn, or The Lion in Winter, also with Hepburn but paired with O'Toole. Or a different Hepburn but also paired with O'Toole in the delightful How to Steal a Million.

My heart is still going crazy and I'm beginning to think I need to change doctors and hospitals.

December 21, 2017

From Rock.

December 20, 2017

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, 

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, 

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." 

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" 

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?" 

December 19, 2017

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers: 

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. 

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well. 

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. 

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. 

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes. 

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. 

December 18, 2017 My heart ablation was on the 13th. It was a total failure and left me a bit worse than before. Spent a few days in hospital and got new meds. We'll see.

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers: 

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. 

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well. 

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. 

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. 

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes. 

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.