My Gay Stories
My Gay Stories
Home News Blog Mysteries Contact Me
User Map Links Stories I Like Stories X-Rated;

 
- - - BLOG August 2014- - -
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

August 29, 2014 So is it even possible that a war in Europe could still happen? I guess maybe it is, as strange as that sounds.

From plj.

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

 Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

 Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

 Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get a birdie on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes his birdie.

On the final hole, the golfer needs an eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely", the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

 As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am.  I am Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you, "the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

 

August 28, 2014 I can't believe this actually worked.

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend. 

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? 

Is it........

A-Robin 

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%... 

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million. 

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. 

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. 

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

 

August 27, 2014 I am going to be trasnferring this site from godaddy to freehosting.com. As you probably know, when I try something like this anything can happen so buckle your seat belts.

August 27, 2014 Here in the U.S. summer pretty much officially ends this coming Monday, Labor Day.

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am." 
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days. "Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."

August 26, 2014

You know you're in California when...

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. 

You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house. 

You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. 

Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze. 

You can't remember...is pot illegal? 

You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. 

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian 

You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula. 

You can't remember.....is pot illegal? 

A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. 

A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast. 

Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. 

A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice. 

Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney. 

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. 

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag. 

You can't remember...is pot illegal? 

It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH." 

You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy 

Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class. 

You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers. 

It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. 

Both you AND your dog have therapists. 

You can't remember...... is pot illegal??????? 

August 22, 2014 Is anyone else getting tired of hearing about Arabs behaving badly? And where in all this are the armies of Saudi Arabia? Helping their neighbors? Maybe not so much. I haven't seen even on article about a Saudi official condemning the escapades of ISIL. I guess it's a lot easier to fund them than it is to stop them. I say that if we have to go back into Iraq we take the oil and we keep it. Well, at least it's Friday.

Unrelated to the above - I have more problems with Google Chrome than any other browser.

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didn't have any tampons to use and she was on the rags. Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella's house into a tampon. The Godmother says, "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midnight or it will turn back into a pumpkin, and that wouldn't be good." Cinderella agrees and leaves the house.

Midnight comes along...no Cinderella, 1am, 2am and 3am, still no Cinderella!

Finally, 5am rolls by and Cinderella waltzes through the door and the fairy godmother jumps up. "Where the hell have you been?!?" To which Cinderella replies, "I met this amazing guy, and well, before I knew it, we got into a serious bang session. His name was Peter Peter....."


This guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets aquatinted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?", to which the other replies, "Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your cock in the side with the hole."

Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!

After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. "That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!"

To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except Thursday." Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday."

 

August 21, 2014

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But, say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"Oh, it worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."


Two Amish women were picking potatoes one autumn day. The first Amish woman had 2 potatoes in her hands. She looked at the other woman and said, "these potatoes remind me of my husbands testicles", and the other woman said "are his testicles that big?" , no she commented, "they're that dirty".

 

August 20, 2014

Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves. Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says,

"Dear Mr. Burford... All is forgiven. Just tell us...where is it?"


A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's toes would rise.

Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still. Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?"

"Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!"


 

August 19, 2014

From Bruce.

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?" 

Student: "O.K. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A". 

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased. 

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?” 

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student. 

"You see, you are 65 years old and married to a 30-year-old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22-year-old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
 
 
 
 

 

August 18, 2014 I was in Aldi's a few weeks ago and on an impulse picked up a bottle of Sunshine Bay Sauvignon Blanc. I figured it being from the Marlborough region of New Zealand it couldn't be too horrible and it was cheap, about eight bucks as I recall. And as it turned out it really is a wonderful wine. I'm amazed, happily amazed.

A farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you." The college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man." So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkn' going on." College guy "Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else so I should do just fine." Farmer "There is also going to be a lot of fightn' so I hope you are ready." College guy "I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape." Farmer says, "Well, did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?" College guy "Good. I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?" Farmer says, "I don't care it's just going to be me and you."


One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch you fucking wanker!" later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." the priest says "Well, have you tried smacking them?" she said "No, doesn't the church look down on that?" the priest says "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception." The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says "Well, gimme some fucking waffles." The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. his mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and his reply was "Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles!"

 

August 15, 2014 Friday, at last. The temperature here got down into the high forties last night. That is really cold for mid-August. I wonder if the next winter will be as bad as the last.

Staying with the dog and man formula.

And the packed crotch formula.

This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside. The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?" The guy says, "Yea, he licks pussy." So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all. the blond says, "Well? what's up?" The frog still does not move. So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"


This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.


The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head. He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

 

August 14, 2014

From plj.

 

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.

When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.

The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."

"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"

The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."

"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

 

August 13, 2014

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"


One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

 

August 12, 2014

Two men, Jim and John, were walking their dogs when they passed by a restaurant. “Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggested. “We can’t” responded John, “don’t you see the sign says NO PETS ALLOWED.” “Aah that sign,” said Jim “don’t worry about it” and taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walked up to the door. As he tried walking into the restaurant he got stopped at the door, “sorry no pets allowed.” Can’t you see” said Jim “I am blind, this is my seeing eye dog.” But it’s a doberman pincher, who uses a doberman pincher as a seeing eye dog?” the man asked “Oh,” Jim responded “you must have not heard, this is the latest type of seeing eye dog, they do a very good job.” Seeing that it worked, John tried walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he could open his mouth, the doorman said “don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of seeing eye dog.” Thinking quickly John responded in a angry voice “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

August 11, 2014 Something to think about.

 

August 11, 2014 I wonder if he'd like to hear my confession? I know I'd like to hear his.

"Honest, I'd never eat you."

From gds.

First Graders
 
An Elementary School Teacher had twenty-six students in her class. 
She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a 
well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the 
remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were 
actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise 
you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 
6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!  
     
1.
Don't change horses
until they stop running.
2.
Strike while the
bug is close.
3.
It's always darkest before
Daylight Saving Time.
4.
Never underestimate the power of
termites.
5.
You can lead a horse to water but
how?
6.
Don't bite the hand that
looks dirty.
7.
No news is
impossible.
8.
A miss is as good as a
Mr.
9.
You can't teach an old dog new
math.
10.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll
stink in the morning.
11.
Love all, trust
me.
12.
The pen is mightier than the
pigs.
13.
An idle mind is
the best way to relax.
14.
Where there's smoke there's
pollution.
15.
Happy the bride who
gets all the presents.
16.
A penny saved is
not much.
17.
Two's company, three's
the Musketeers.
18.
Don't put off till tomorrow what
you put on to go to bed.
19.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
you have to blow your nose.
20.
There are none so blind as
Stevie Wonder.
21.
Children should be seen and not
spanked or grounded.
22.
If at first you don't succeed
get new batteries.
23.
You get out of something only what you
see in the picture on the box.
24.
When the blind lead the blind
get out of the way.
25.
A bird in the hand
is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26.
Better late than
pregnant.
 
 

 

August 8, 2014

 

August 7, 2014 If you're a cookware junkie like me, this might be of interest to you. http://legionindustries.com/store/cookware.asp I've been looking for a long time for cast iron cookware that's clad in stainless. This is stainless on the inside and copper on the outside.

I just wanted to recommend this YouTube channel. They've steered me to some really nice wines, like the Sauvignon Blanc in this video. They've also got a great Iphone app that I use when I'm out shopping for wine.

 

The leader of the vegetarian society just couldn’t control himself anymore. He just needed to try some pork, just to see what it tasted like. So one summer day he told his members he was going on a vacation. He packed out of town, and headed to the nearest restaurant. After sitting down, he ordered a roasted pig, and impatiently waited for his delicacy. After just a few minutes, he heard someone call his name, and to his great chagrin he saw one of his fellow members walking towards him. Just at that same moment, the waiter walked over, with a huge platter, holding a full roasted pig with an apple in it’s mouth. “Isn’t that something,” says the leader after only a moments pause, “all I do is order an apple, and look what it comes with!” 

August 6, 2014 Not that I'm pushing it or anything, but about a week ago I got an email from the Washington Post letting me subscribe to their online edition for $19.99 for a year, renewable. That's pretty cheap. I already subscribe to The New York Times, but I'll probably drop them and just keep the post. I haven't seen them offering that deal in ads or anything, but I can't be the only one they offered it to. Unless I really am special.

Are you in the mood for some thug?

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still f*cking!"

August 5, 2014

Story of a Physics student who got the following question in an exam: 

"You are given an accurate barometer, how would you use it to determine the height of a skyscraper? " 

He answered: "Go to the top floor, tie a long piece of string to the barometer, let it down' till it touches the ground and measure the length of the string". 

The examiner wasn't satisfied, so they decided to interview the guy: 

"Can you give us another method, one which demonstrates your knowledge of Physics? " 

"Sure, go to the top floor, drop the barometer off, and measure how long before it hits the ground......" 

"Not, quite what we wanted, care to try again? " 

"Make a pendulum of the barometer, measure its period at the bottom, then measure its period at the top......" 

"..another try? ...." 

"Measure the length of the barometer, then mount it vertically on the ground on a sunny day and measure its shadow, measure the shadow of the skyscraper....." 

"....and again? ...." 

"walk up the stairs and use the barometer as a ruler to measure the height of the walls in the stairwells." 

"...One more try? " 

"Find where the janitor lives, knock on his door and say' Please, Mr. Janitor, if I give you this nice Barometer, will you tell me the height of this building? "

August 4, 2014

"A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively
mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. 
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. 
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". 
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" 
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" 
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!""

August 1, 2014 The forgotten musical, Kismet.

 

August 1, 2014 "Okay, now lemme feel yours."

One of my all time favorite pics.

An archaeologist in Egypt was taking a walk in the town square one morning. 
He had to get back to the hotel for a meeting but had forgotten his wristwatch. He was walking by an old man sitting on a low stool by his camel and asked if he knew the time. 
The old man slowly reached over and pushed the camel's testicles to one side and then released them, letting them swing to a stop. 
"10:27" he said. 
The archaeologist was stunned as he had never seen someone tell time like that before. He rushed back to the hotel to find his colleagues and then brought them back to the town square to find the old man. 
Having found him again, the archaeologist said, "I will give you this $50 bill if you'll show me how you tell time. 
The old man pocketed the $50 bill and said, "OK, kneel down here with me and put your head close to mine. Now swing the camel's testicles out of the way. Now, can you see the clock on that building over there?"

July 31, 2014 The last day of July. The stores are already loaded with back to school stuff. It's depressing.

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. 
Usually she slept through the class. 

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" 

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. 

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. 

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

July 30, 2014

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs." 
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location. 
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? " 
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. 
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... 
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. 
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... 

"Your badge... Show him your badge!!"

July 29, 2014

From plj.

Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.


The man was impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..


Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.


Obviously, the man was impressed.


The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.


Then
 he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagratoday than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

July 28, 2014 True love.

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. 
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. 
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" 
"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.." 
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?" 
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?" 
Well, it says you"re not wearing any panties." 
The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" 
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing"s an hour fast."

 

 

 

 

  previous Blog entries
  Copyright © My Gay Stories 2006  

 

Site Meter