* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.
September 19, 2017
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
September 18, 2017 The leaves have begun to fall, and, I understand that if you live in the northern part of the state they are in fulll color. It's been a cool summer. Our sunflowers are about ten feet tall and their heads are drooping. The birds and other critters are watching them in anticipation of a feast.
I guess it's time to drag this out.
An old man was a witness in a burglary trial.
The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"
September 15, 2017
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...
September 14, 2017
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for other generic profession brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
September 13, 2017
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents read "Consultation: $25.00."
September 12, 2017 I have posted the next chapter of Protecting David and you can see it here. I posted this unedited because my editor hasn't been well, but when he's better it will be replaced.
The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
September 11, 2017
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"
September 8, 2017
A doctor, and engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional.
The Doctor said "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helpd with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman.
"No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.
"Wait," Said the engineer "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized civilized place from utter choas?"
"And WHO created the chaos?" said the lawyer.
September 7, 2017
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'
Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . .. You've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'
'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'
'Never', replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've crapped the bed!..
September 6, 2017
A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.
"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"
GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "GOD, how much is a million dollars?"
GOD answered, "To Me, it's a dime."
The man then asked, "GOD, can I have a dime?"
GOD said, "In a minute."
September 5, 2017 We bought a new snowblower. It's getting cold here.
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"
September 1, 2017 I have posted the next chapter of Protecting David and you can see it here. I posted this unedited because my editor hasn't been well, but when he's better it will be replaced.
September 1, 2017 Autumn begins.
ly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
August 31, 2017
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years... Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
August 30, 2017
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." Well," says Davidson, "you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. there's too much front end protrusion
2. it chatters at high speeds
3. the rear end wobbles too much, and
4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Super computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."
August 29, 2017 Remember him?
Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said,"Leave this pub right now!"
He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.
Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."
The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
August 25, 2017 Does anyone know how to keep blossom end rot from happening to tomatoes? I've tried the fertilizer that's recommended but that was a failure.
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny,Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"I just saw both of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.