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- - - BLOG July 2015- - -
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

July 2, 2015 Sometimes I wish I was a little bitty submarine.

From Gary.

SMART ASS
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.

The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered
up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over
and help him.   They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the
well.



At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then,
to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was
astonished at what he saw.



With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he
would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of
the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.

The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up.

Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest
wells just by not stopping, never giving up!

Shake it off and take a step up.

*Remember the five simple rules to be happy:*

Free your heart from hatred  -  - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries  -  - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less.



*NOW ............*

Enough of that crap  *. .*   *. * The donkey later came back, and bit the
farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock..


*MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:*

*When you do something wrong, *
*and try to cover*   *your ass, *
*it always comes back to bite you* .

July 1, 2015

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" 

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. 

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? 

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

June 30, 2015

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need on his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. 

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every woman he could find and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather sexy babe herself he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little fun. 

Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked if he danced much. He said, "I never danced once. Pete, Bill and I went into the den and played poker all night. But the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

June 29, 2015 It seems to me that the problem for the EU comes if Greece exits and survives, and of course, to one degree or another they will. And if Spain and Italy see that returning to what they were for hundreds of years isn't necessarily fatal, they might find that attractive. Besides, Greece, if no longer a member of the EU, would still be a member of NATO and that could cause problems. In fact that might find themselves being courted a lot more then than now.

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely... 

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating. 

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it." 

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

June 26, 2015 The next two chapters of Christopher Grows Up have been posted and you can see them here and here.

A man came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked her. 

"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails. 

"How about if I became crippled and couldn't make love to you any more?" he asked nervously. 

"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails. 

"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Frank went on, "if I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would you still love me then?" 

The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Frank, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really miss you."

June 25, 2015

A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself. 

"Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!" 

Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results. 

He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling. "Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?" 

"Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough!"

June 24, 2015

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. 

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." 

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" 

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better." 

"Sure," answered the young man. 

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

June 23, 2015 Watch the wing tip of the Boeing.

 

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. 

On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair). 

On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) 

On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....) 

On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion). 

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! 

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."(...and you thought????...) 

On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?) 

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) 

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....) 

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."(as opposed to...what?) 

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) 

On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!) 

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet,eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) 

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." 

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) 

 

 

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