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- - - BLOG March 2017- - -
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 24, 2017

Signs Found In The Kitchen

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! 

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! 

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day. 

If you write in the dust, please don't date it! 

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener! 

A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life. 

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it! 

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. 

If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards. 

Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. 

It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse. 

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious. 

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand! 

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. 

My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines. 

I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump. 

Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess. 

Martha Stewart doesn't live here!! 

 

March 23, 2017

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. 

Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side. 

He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. 

But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you." 

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"

Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise." 

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?" 

The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."

March 22, 2017

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. 

Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk. 

Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride. 

They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey. 

As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. 

The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass. 

March 21, 2017

A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"? 

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said. 

Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"? 

"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"? 

"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies. 

The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious" 

March 20, 2017

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son sees the shelf of condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex." 

The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." 

The son then picks up one with six condoms and asks, "Why six?" 

The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." 

The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. 

The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...." 

March 17, 2017

 

A teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?" 

"What's that?" asks her mother. 

"That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. 

"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. 

"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?" 

March 16, 2017

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant. 

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. " 

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ? 

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... " 

March 15, 2017

A busy farmer needed some help with tending to the animals. His mother-in-law offered to spend some time on his farm, and being as busy as he was, the farmer had no choice but to accept her offer. 

A few days later, the farmer's mother-in-law was killed when his mule kicked her. 

Thousands of people from town who had heard about the death came to the poor lady's funeral, many that the farmer didn't even know. A minister noticed this, came up to the farmer, and asked him, "Why are there so many people here?" 

The farmer answered, "Oh, they're not here for the funeral. They want to buy the mule."

March 14, 2017

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough." 

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. 

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

March 13, 2017

A boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?" 

"What? You're crazy???!!!" 

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem." 

"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..." 

"At this time of the night no one will show up.." 

"I've already said NO, and NO!" 

"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.." 

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!" 

"My love.. don't be like that.." 

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says. "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

March 10, 2017

Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down Main Street. Watching awhile he observed that the cortege consisted entirely of men. It was led by a man holding a Doberman. 

His curiosity got the best of him and walked up to the man at the front of the line. "Excuse me for interrupting you in your time of grief", said Hank, politely. " but I've never seen such a funeral procession. Would you mind telling me who it's for?" 

"It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner. Tightening the leash, he guestered down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her." 

"Gee, that's terrible, " commiserated Hank, " but hmmm....is there any way you could lend me your dog for a day or so ?" 

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "get in line!"

March 9, 2017

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. 

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you." 

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?" 

The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise." 

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?" 

The brother replied, "Denephew."

March 8, 2017

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians. 

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. 

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. 

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check. 

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, 

"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint." 

March 7, 2017

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. 

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. 

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family." 

No one moved. 

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." 

Again all was quiet. 

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. 

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." 

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared! 

March 6, 2017

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. As she suspected it would be, the million- dollar question was no pushover. It was: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it 

A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?" 

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. 

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo." 

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logicalthing to do. On the other hand -- the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo." 

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer." 

Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that the answer is-...... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!" 

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was your assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way......how did you happen to know the right answer?" 

"Oh, come on!" said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks." 

March 3, 2017

My computer decided to dump that blogs of the last few days, so I reconstructed them, kinda.

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. 

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. 

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family." 

No one moved. 

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." 

Again all was quiet. 

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. 

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." 

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared! 

February 28, 2017

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. 

Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument. 

February 27, 2017

I live in Texas. I also have two friends that are blonde and sisters. 

One day, they approached me and asked where the lighthouses were. When I tried to probe a little bit, I was told, "Yeah, they're good paying jobs and have lots of ads in the paper, but we don't know where the lighthouses are to apply." 

I told them, There are no lighthouses in Texas. Let me see that newspaper." 

Sure enough, there were ads for ... "Light Housekeeping needed. Apply in person." 

February 24, 2017

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. 

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. 

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said.... 

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

February 23, 2017

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. 

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. 

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." 

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next." 

February 21, 2017

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question: 

"How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""? The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One". 

The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates. 

The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"? She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know". 

Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES". She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm - wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?" 

After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two" 

The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?" 

She starts singing "Da Da Dah Dahhh Dah Dah Da Da Dah Dahh Dah Dah ..."
(The theme song for Indiana Jones) 

February 20, 2017

The Sheriff in a small Texas town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?" 

The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her so I did. 

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt so I did. 

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did. 

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts so I did. 

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... " 

And here I am. 

February 17, 2017

WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?
Brown-bagging it.

WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?
No one else wants it.

WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS ? 
So brunettes can remember them.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?
Invisible.

WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
"Has the blonde left yet? "

WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR? 
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY? 
The invitation

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE?
A hostage

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher-Price

WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache.

February 16, 2017

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question. 

"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?" After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet." 

They said, "Well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back toher. Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question.In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings. 

"Again, "Thank you," and that they would get back to her. Finally, the blonde entered the room and they asked her the same question they had asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for awhile and replied, "I would like to go to the sun. 

"The people from NASA replied, "Why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?" The blonde smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

February 14, 2017

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island. 

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island. 

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

February 13, 2017

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" 

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" 

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

February 10, 2017

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. 

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" 

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. 

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

February 9, 2017

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

February 8, 2017

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?" 

"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. 

"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop. 

"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. 

"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. 

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?" 

"Yes." replied the officer 

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher 

"Uh... yes." replied the cop. 

"Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants." 

"What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop. 

"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher. 

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. 

The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......"

February 7, 2017


A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300 she exclaims, "I don't have any money. But I would do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland." 

To that the man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says "Yes...anything!" With that, the man says "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does. 

He then says, "Get on your knees." She does. 

He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does. 

He then says, "Go ahead... Take it out." With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands. 

The man then says, "Well. Go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips she says, "Hello? Mom?"

February 6, 2017

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. 

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. 

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. 

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" 

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

February 3, 2017

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she moves to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. 

He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." 

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" 

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. 

He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

February 2, 2017

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. 

"Sorry,we don't sell to blondes," he replied. 

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. 

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." 

Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" 

"Because that's a microwave," he replie

February 1, 2017 I have a cold. Chills, fever, diarrhea, constant nose blowing.

We liberals are well and truly fucked. The only thing we can do is wait for 2018. But, as Mitch McConnell knows, we'll be back. Eight years ago our rolls were reversed. I wonder if I'll live to see who the next president will be.

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the Captain announced, 'One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry, we have three engines left.' 

Thirty minutes later, the Captain announced, 'One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry, we have two engines left.' An hour later the Captain announced, 'One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left.' 

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said, 'If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day.'

 

January 31, 2017

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. 

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. 

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. 

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" 

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

January 30, 2017

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. 

She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer." 

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word." She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please." "And what word would that be?" inquires the man. 

"Comfortable." replies the brunette. 

The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?" 

The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."

January 27, 2017

Prostate exam. See, you can do it yourself.

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. 

She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer." 

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word." She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please." "And what word would that be?" inquires the man. 

"Comfortable." replies the brunette. 

The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?" 

The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."

 

January 26, 2017

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?

 

 

 

 

 

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