May 25, 2018 Happy Memorial Day!

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. 

She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." 

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable assh*le!" she screamed. 

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her." 

May 24, 2018

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill. 

All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter. 

The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!" the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?" "Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda." "Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar. 

The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary. 

After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition: 

PANDA: A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves. 

May 23, 2018

I met an older woman at a bar last night. 

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullsh*tted a bit, then she asked if I 'd ever had a mother and daughter threesome? 

I said no. 

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. 

I went back to her place. 

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: 

"Mom you still awake?" 

May 22, 2018

May 21, 2018

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. 

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. 

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. 

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. 

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. 

He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. 

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" 

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost." 

May 18, 2018

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling. The barmaid went to the bathroom to check on him. ''Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers.'' 

''Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!'' 

''Sir, please get off the mop bucket

May 17, 2018

Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. 

The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for. The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of 30." 

The second then asked, "Can you get it over the counter?" 

"You probably could, if you took 2 pills", said the first man. 

May 16, 2018

A blonde and brunette are having tea when suddenly the phone rings. The blonde picks it up and immediantely starts crying.
Her brunette friend asks her, "Why are you crying dear?"
Blonde says, "Because my mom just called and said that my father just died. "I'm so sorry," says the brunette.
The blonde finally stops crying, when the phone rings again. She picks it up and starts crying again.
The brunette asks again whats wrong, to which the blonde replies, "My brother just called and said that his father died too."

May 15, 2018

This guy is sitting in a bar drunk. He asks the bartender, "Where's the bathroom at?" The bartender says, "Go down the hall and make a right." 

Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream coming from the bathroom, and they wonder about what's going on in there. A few minutes go by, and again, everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom. This time, the bartender decides to investigate, and he goes into the bathroom to see what the drunk is screaming about. 

He opens the door and asks the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away." 

The drunk whines, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my gonads!" 

With that, the bartender looks in and says, "No wonder! You're sitting on a mop bucket, you idiot!!"

May 14, 2018

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out. 

One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why. 

"Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18" 

The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!" 

The bartender asks "so which one died?" 

"No one." 

"But you only ordered two drinks!" 

"Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."

May 11, 2018

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face now with both hands. Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me -I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and his full head of hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" 

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues seductively, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. She slowly continues, "Tell him,... that there,...is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

May 10, 2018

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. 

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??" 

"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door. 

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says: 

"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" 

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband. 

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." 

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: 

"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please." 

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" 

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your porch swing."

May 9, 2018

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. 

Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. 

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?' 

'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. 

He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

May 1, 2018 test 1 test2

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. 

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??" 

"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door. 

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says: 

"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" 

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband. 

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." 

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: 

"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please." 

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" 

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your porch swing."

April 30, 2018 God this program is fucked up.

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" 

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." 

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. 

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" 

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

March 30, 2018 Happy Easter tomorrow.

A picture of my dad when he started drinking again.

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. 

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" 

The room really got quiet. 

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

March 29, 2018

Three guys go on a skiing holiday together and to save money they rented only one room. After a full day on the slopes, they return to their room, exhausted and cold. 

To keep warm, they all sleep in the same bed. The next morning, the guy on one side of the bed says he had a funny dream that some one was jerking him off. The guy on the other side of the bed said that he had the same dream! The the guy in the middle said, "I had a dream last night, too. But I only dreamt that I was skiing."

March 28, 2018

A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know."

March 22, 2018

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout.
"This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent.
The guys says to the dog, "What's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'." "No, wait," the guy says.
He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you."
He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" barks the dog.
And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.
The dog then turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

March 21, 2018

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".

March 20, 2018

An archaeologist in Egypt was taking a walk in the town square one morning.
He had to get back to the hotel for a meeting but had forgotten his wristwatch. He was walking by an old man sitting on a low stool by his camel and asked if he knew the time.
The old man slowly reached over and pushed the camel's testicles to one side and then released them, letting them swing to a stop.
"10:27" he said.
The archaeologist was stunned as he had never seen someone tell time like that before. He rushed back to the hotel to find his colleagues and then brought them back to the town square to find the old man.
Having found him again, the archaeologist said, "I will give you this $50 bill if you'll show me how you tell time.
The old man pocketed the $50 bill and said, "OK, kneel down here with me and put your head close to mine. Now swing the camel's testicles out of the way. Now, can you see the clock on that building over there?"

March 19, 2018

A mans dog dies one day, and the man is very upset. His dog did everything for him.
Washed the dishes. Bought things from the shop. The man was so upset, he decided to go and buy a new pet. Once at the pet store, he asked the manager, "Do you have any pets that will do anything for me? My dog has just passed away and I want something to replace him."
The manager looks around. "We don't have much, I'm afraid. Just this centipede here"
The man looks puzzled, but accepts the centipede anyway.
Back home, the man tests the centipede out. "Go and bring me a beer from the fridge", he asks. The centipede got to work straight away. "Go and run a bath for me". The centipede did as asked once again. The man, before getting in the bath, asks the centipede "Pop to the shop and buy me a newspaper please" The centipede does this. An hour later, the man comes out of the bath, to find the centipede sitting at the bottom of the stairs, and hadn't yet gone to the shop.
"I thought I told you to go to the shop?"
The centipede replies "GIMMIE A CHANCE TO GET MI SHOES ON!"

March 16, 2018

Two neighbors are talking to each other.
First neighbor: Do you know that my dog is so smart, he waits for the newspaper to drop at the doorstep and then delivers it to me?
Second neighbor: Of course, I know that very well.
First neighbor: Really, well then, how?
Second neighbor: My dog came and told me

March 15, 2018

A blind man with an assistance dog was getting ready to cross the street. When the dog took him across he almost got ran over by the traffic and the cars where sliding everywhere to avoid hitting him. When he got to the other side, he took out a treat to give to the dog. A spectator who saw what happened couldn't believe his eyes. He ran over to the blind man and said, "Sir, why are you rewarding that dog, he almost got you killed?" The blind man replied, "I'm trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"

March 14, 2018

A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
Bartender says, "Where in the world did you get that?"
Frog spoke up, "Would you believe it started out as a wart on my ass!!"

March 13, 2018

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.
At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.
Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?"
He said, "...Scr*w him .........give him a dollar."
The blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea."

March 12, 2018

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.
At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.
Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?"
He said, "...Scr*w him .........give him a dollar."
The blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea."

March 9, 2018

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

March 8, 2018

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?"
Well, it says you"re not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing"s an hour fast."

March 7, 2018

3 guys walk into a bar
The first guy says "I have got the smallest arm in? the world"
The second guy "I have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy "I have got the smallest d*ck in the world"
The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records
The first guy comes back and says "I really do have? the smallest? arm in the world"
The second guy comes back and says "Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy comes back angry " Who the F*CK is JUSTIN BEIBER?

March 6, 2018

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

March 5, 2018

A man had a party where all the rich people attend.
And the he had a pool with alligators. So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes.
But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a hell and came out alive.
So the host asked, "What are your three wishes?"
The man replied, "Give me the shotgun and bulllets and show me the idiot that pushed me in ...

March 2, 2018

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...
"Then why did you eat him?"

March 1, 2018 I can't believe it's March of 2018. It seems like it should be 1983.

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

February 28, 2018

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

February 26, 2018

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

February 23, 2018

A duck walks into a bar. The duck asks, "Got any grapes?" Then the bartender says "Sorry. I cannot help you with that." Then the duck leaves. Then the next day the duck comes back. "Got any grapes?" "No, and if you ask that again, ill nail your feet to the floor!" The duck comes back again. "Got any nails?" "No." "Got any grapes?"

February 22, 2018 The computer dumped everything from February so you're getting recycled January.

February 22, 2018

Familiarity breeds attempt.
Familiarity breeds children.
Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent.
Fill what is empty; empty what is full; scratch where it itches.
For every "10" there are 10 "1's".
For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

January 31, 2018 And he can cook, too.

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac. 

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed: 

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in. 

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived. 

3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number. 

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon." 

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left. 

6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves. 

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toolbooth, offered the security men money. 

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass. 

9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered. 

10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. 

In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported. 

January 30, 2018