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April 15, 2014 Perfection.
There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked,"How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"
April 14, 2014 It's snowing. Fuck.
You know you're a redneck when...
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Arkansas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word a come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said...
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination-Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited...
Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won, hands down!
April 11, 2014 Friday. La bon marche, was not so bon today.
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
The first old lady had a stroke. Then the second old lady had a stroke. But the third old lady . . . she couldn't reach that far.
In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."
April 10, 2014
| Last Day on the Job |
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea." |
April 9, 2014 Like'm beefy?
Or this.
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me, I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?
For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $180,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $180,000 mortgage and no friken bike!"
April 8, 2014
Farmer Brown had been screwing one of his pigs for 5 years, when all of a sudden he was hit by pangs of conscience.
It bothered him so much that he decided that he just had to tell his priest about it in confession.
The priest was shocked and could only say to Farmer Brown, "Well, was the pig a male or a female?"
"A female, of course," shouted Farmer Brown!. "What do you think I am... some sort of queer!"
The Proposal
One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist.
Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between
the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong
he is."
April 7, 2014 Some folks just have a level of talent that can't be denied.
From Rock.
What part of your body goes to heaven first? The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you, and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face (she had been shocked by Little Johnny too often). "Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming'. I gotta tell you, if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The Nun fainted.
April 4, 2014 Friday, at last.
Top Ten Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies
- It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
April 3, 2014
THE HIT AND RUN CASE
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"
April 2, 2014 "I think I see my writst watch!"
A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago. So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.
Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his best friend's ding dong. After a few seconds, he blows his load in her pie hole and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."
Q. What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.
Q. How do you kill a one legged fox?
A. Make it run across Canada.
Q. Why don't Canadians have group sex?
A. Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.
April 1, 2014 A cold first day of April.
One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed." The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see." The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game. The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" asked the bartender. The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years."
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat that was 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1965." Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? Was it a relative or close friend?" No," the m
March 31, 2014 And so, let it be said.
A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog.” "Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."
The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night.
The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks." What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"
March 28, 2014
What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man? Answer: "Lazy."
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party.
Why is it called PMS? -- Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog.” "Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."
The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night.
The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks." What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"
March 27, 2014
The Most Functional Word
Well, it's shit...that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language. This may even be funny shit.
Consider: You can get shit-faced, Be shit out of luck, or Have shit for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shinola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else! You could pass this along, if you give a shit. Or not do so, If you don't give a shit. Well shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know... that I do give-a-shit and I hope you have a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But if you happen to catch a load of shit from some shit head ----Remember, shit happens!
March 26, 2014 It is cold here, although it is supposed to warm up by the end of the week.
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free, having fun and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good, unlike his tasteless food he grew up with. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
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