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- - - BLOG June 2016- - -
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

July 28, 2016

Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer. When all of a sudden, a giant bear jumps out and scares the shit out of them. They drop their guns and run like hell. 

One of the hunters stopped, opened up his backpack and laced up a pair of tennis shoes. His buddy looked at him and said, "What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't outrun the bear!" 

To this the hunter said, "I know, all I have to do is outrun you!"

July 27, 2016

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. 

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you," 

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" 

He hissed at the parrot. 

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you," The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" 

"Moses," replied the bird. The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird 'Moses'?" 

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

July 26, 2016

A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!


 

July 25, 2016

A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. 

After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. 

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" 

"Hmmm...." thought the duck's former owner. "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

July 22, 2016

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. 

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you," 

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" 

He hissed at the parrot. 

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you," The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" 

"Moses," replied the bird. The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird 'Moses'?" 

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

July 21, 2016 Is the new GOP the party of Putin? It's beginning to look that way.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. 

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. 

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. 

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

July 20, 2016

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. 

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. 

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. 

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

July 19, 2016

There was this guy and he was driving along until he got a flat. He spotted a near-by farm and decided maybe they had a phone. When he got there he saw a farmer and a pig. The only thing was the pig only had three legs and a wooden leg where the fourth was missing. "Hey there, you wouldn't happen to have a phone would you?" the guy said, still thinking about the pig. 

"Nope, no phones 'round these parts." The farmer looked up at the sky just as the man noticed it was getting darker. "Well, I guess...ya can stay here for 'da night. 'Dat is if you likes." 

Thinking about his flat he decided to stay. "I just have one question, what happened to that pig?" asked the man. "Well,..he been in a fire not 'dat longs ago. Rescued all 'da childrens too. Yep, 'dat be one fine pig."said the farmer. "Well, how'd he get like that? Did the leg get burnt....or what?" asked the man. "Nope, he didn' get hurt." "Then what happened to his leg?" the man asked getting more & more impatient. 

"Well," the farmer said annoyed "everybody knows 'dat you don't eat a pig like 'dat in one sittin".

July 18, 2016

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three-toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son. 

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long periods." 

"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom ..." "Yes son?" "Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

July 15, 2016

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. 

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that when pregnant, they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. 

So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, banged each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. 

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs, and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. 

The next morning, he was woken up by his wife shaking him and saying "Wake up Dear, the pigs are acting strangely!". "What do you mean?" he asked excitedly, "Are they wallowing in the mud?" "No, " she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

July 14, 2016

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished patrons and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. 

In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The 'gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. 

The 'gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' 

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up. 

'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.'

July 13, 2016

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot. 

Not knowing what to do, she called 911. "You gotta help me find my parrot!" 

The operator patiently replied, "We can't help you with that, ma'am. This number only deals with emergencies." 

However, the lady persisted, and then the operator told her not to be concerned, that the parrot should fly back in a few days. 

Then, out of desperation, the lady begged, "But you don't understand! The only thing he says is 'Here, kitty, kitty'!!!"

July 12, 2016

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally settled on a parrot that was perched in the back of the store for $50.00. 

She asked the shopkeeper why the parrot was so cheap, to which he replied, "Well, I have to tell you, the birds last owner was a madam at a whorehouse and he occasionally makes off color remarks that may offend some people." 

Thinking that the price was right and she could handle anything he might say, she took him. When she got home she set the bird down on the table. He looked around and said, "New house, new madam". 

"That's not so bad," she thought. 

A little while later, her daughters got home from school, and the parrot spoke again, "New house, new madam, new whores." 

Even though she felt a little insulted, she thought that wasn't so bad either. 

Later that evening, her husband Ray came home. 

The parrot again spoke out... 

This time it said, "Hi Ray!" 

The woman met with a divorce attorney the next day.

July 11, 2016 I noticed that Target stores are already advertising back to school crap. The end is near!

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... 

First Woman : "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. 

Second Woman : "I know..." 

First Woman : "How?" 

Second Woman : "My dog told me."

July 8, 2016

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally settled on a parrot that was perched in the back of the store for $50.00. 

She asked the shopkeeper why the parrot was so cheap, to which he replied, "Well, I have to tell you, the birds last owner was a madam at a whorehouse and he occasionally makes off color remarks that may offend some people." 

Thinking that the price was right and she could handle anything he might say, she took him. When she got home she set the bird down on the table. He looked around and said, "New house, new madam". 

"That's not so bad," she thought. 

A little while later, her daughters got home from school, and the parrot spoke again, "New house, new madam, new whores." 

Even though she felt a little insulted, she thought that wasn't so bad either. 

Later that evening, her husband Ray came home. 

The parrot again spoke out... 

This time it said, "Hi Ray!" 

The woman met with a divorce attorney the next day.

July 7, 2016 I agree with everything this guy says.

 

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally settled on a parrot that was perched in the back of the store for $50.00. 

She asked the shopkeeper why the parrot was so cheap, to which he replied, "Well, I have to tell you, the birds last owner was a madam at a whorehouse and he occasionally makes off color remarks that may offend some people." 

Thinking that the price was right and she could handle anything he might say, she took him. When she got home she set the bird down on the table. He looked around and said, "New house, new madam". 

"That's not so bad," she thought. 

A little while later, her daughters got home from school, and the parrot spoke again, "New house, new madam, new whores." 

Even though she felt a little insulted, she thought that wasn't so bad either. 

Later that evening, her husband Ray came home. 

The parrot again spoke out... 

This time it said, "Hi Ray!" 

The woman met with a divorce attorney the next day.

July 6, 2016

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. 

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. 

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"

July 5, 2016

A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a Dachshund. 

The man asks what the items are for. He's told, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him, and the Dachshund will go straight for his balls." The man asks, "But what's the shotgun for?" 

The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla and fall out of the tree, you shoot the Dachshund."

July 1, 2016

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see." 

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" 

Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." 

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!" 

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?" 

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?" 

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

June 30, 2016


A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. 

"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy" 

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." 

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. 

Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree. 

The Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

June 29, 2016

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. 

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. 

He told them to go way ! And let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. 

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. 

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. 

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. 

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. 
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. 
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!" 

June 28, 2016

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. 

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. 

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. 

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. 

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. 

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!" 

June 27, 2016

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. 

The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. 

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?" 

The owner says, "How about a cat?" 

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" 

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!" 

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." 

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. 

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." 

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered. 

The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!" 

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." 

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 

20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede. 

By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede! 

He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede? 

So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside. 

The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!" 

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"

June 24, 2016

 

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet. 

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?"

June 23, 2016

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. 

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." 

"Good. What comes after three." 

"Four," answers the boy. 

"What comes after six?" 

"Seven." 

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?" 

"A jack," says lil' Johnny 

June 21, 2016

The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny," she said, "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I? 

"Thirty-four," Johnny answered unhesitatingly. 

The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual age. Tell me...how did you guess?" 

Oh, there's nothing to it," Johnny said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy." 

June 20, 2016

Do you, like Daisy, always wait for the longest day of the year and then miss it? Well not this fucking year, Buster, cause today's the day!

The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny," she said, "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I? 

"Thirty-four," Johnny answered unhesitatingly. 

The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual age. Tell me...how did you guess?" 

Oh, there's nothing to it," Johnny said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy." 

June 19, 2016 Do yourself a favor and listen to this album.

 

June 17, 2016

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: 

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. 

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?" 

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Judy. Aunt Judy was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands." 

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?" 

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Judy when she's been drinking." 

June 16, 2016

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. 

Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in 'the act'. 

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" 

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. 

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. 

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. 

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!" 

June 15, 2016

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. 

"It's a period," reported Johnnie. 

"Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period." 

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself." 

June 14, 2016

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." 

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother. He says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." 

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." 

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." 

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!" 

June 13, 2016 When I was a kid I grew up in Northern Illinois, out in the country, and we had shotguns, .22 rifles and even occasionally someone had a hunting rifle, like a 30-06. What people never really seem to have were hand guns and nothing like an AR15 even eisted.. I suppose you could buy hand guns, but people just didn't. In those days WW2 was fresh in everyones mind along with the memory of what guns could really do. Maybe that's the key, re institute the draft, give everyone a dose of what lugging around a gun really means and they won't have this crazy thirst for it that seems so prevalent. Want to keep the country safe? Join the army for a few years and you'll get your fill of it. Maybe that's it, there's a blood lust that needs to be sated.

But what people are really afraid of is change, which is too bad because you can't stop it, change is constant, like the air we breathe. I remember as a kid being told how horrible the Polish were, or the Italians and don't even talk about the blacks or Jews, how the country was going to hell. Yes, it was that kind of family. Well, we didn't go to hell and we won't if every one stops believing in fairy tales and learns how to THINK. Change is good, it says you're alive, embrace it, because whether you embrace it or not it's going to happen. And in the end what you'll find out is that everyone else is just like you, a decent sort at heart and just a little crazy.

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. "This mower work, son?" the preacher asked. 

Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though." 

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough." 

"Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes." 

The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!" 

"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you." 

June 10, 2016

Little Johnny's mother was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked four-year old Johnny to answer the phone. 

Little Johnny ran out into the living room and answered the phone. "Mommy, It's the minister," he said to his mother. 

From the kitchen Johnny's mom said, "Tell him I'll call him back." 

Little Johnny spoke into the phone saying, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle." 

June 9, 2016

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" 

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. 

"Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" 

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. 

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" 

Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father." 

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard." 

June 7, 2016

One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class "What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?" 

Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant to pick on him she chose little Mary. 

"I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotions of love are." 

"Very interesting." replied the teacher. Seeing no one else had their hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him. 

"I think your feet go up first." 

Confused but relieved the teacher said, "Why is that?" 

Johnny replied, "Once when I walked in my parents room I saw my dad on my mom, and she had her feet in the air saying "Oh God!" 

June 6, 2016

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. "This mower work, son?" the preacher asked. 

Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though." 

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough." 

"Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes." 

The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!" 

"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you." 

June 3, 2016

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" 

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." 

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." 

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" 

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. 

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!" 

June 2, 2016

Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. 

When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors. 

He said "Now, son... that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home." 

"I promise not to mention his ears at all" said Little Johnny. 

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand He looked at it's mother and said "Oh What a Beautiful little baby". The mother said "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." 

He then said, "this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say that he can see good?" 

The Mother said "why, yes Johnny... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision. 

Little Johnny said "well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!! 

June 1, 2016

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?" 

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" 

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..." 

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" 

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown." 

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: 

"Does a fart have lumps?" 

The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!" 

"OK...then I DEFINITELY sh*t my pants.. 

May 31, 2016

A science teacher asked her students "Children, if you could own one mineral what would it be? 

one boy said, "I would choose gold. Its worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette." 

Another boy said " I would want platinum because its worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." 

the teacher said, "Johnny, What would you want? 

Johnny said "I would want silicone." 

"Why would you want silicone?" Asked the teacher 

"Well my mom got some, he replied. And there's always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway 

May 27, 2016

Aaarf!

Little Johnny comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. 

"Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" 

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask you sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you have learned." 

Little Johnny is puzzled but decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone would give you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" 

His mother looks around shyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would." 

Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" 

His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!" 

Little Johnny goes back to his father who asks, "Well, what did you learn?" 

Little Johnny says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. POTENTIALLY, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in REALITY, we're living with a couple of whores." 

May 26, 2016

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. 

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. Cindy put her hand up and said "Moooo!" 

"Very good" replied the teacher,"what sound do sheep make?" "Baaaa" answered Jimmy. 

She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?" 

All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, 

"Up against the wall you son of a bitch!!"

May 25, 2016 Republican are always moaning about regulations and frankly, I'm not all that crazy about them either, but can you imagine the kind of buildings someone like Trump would build without them?

Lil' Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business suit, complete with a pager. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT." 

The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a quiet reprimand. 

After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide." 

At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son. 

Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence. 

Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone. 

Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE'S BACKING UP!!!!" 



Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a thing...she just sat there watching him eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. 

This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again. After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered.... 

the teeth!!! 

 

 

 

 

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