February 3, 2012 Did you watch Donald Trump endorse Mitt Romney? I almost felt sorry for Trump...almost. He just looked so pathetic.

Speaking of naked men... Okay, maybe we weren't, but do you care? In case you missed this when I posted it a couple of years ago. You can absorb culture and whack off...a twofer.

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. 

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” 

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”  

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”  

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

Why do elephants have flat feet?

February 2, 2012 I'm not a huge fan of ballet, but I love The Nederlands Dans Theater.

February 2, 2012 Perhaps I've mentioned this before, but I HATE WEB SITES!!!!!!!!

There is nothing about making a web site that is the slightest bit intuitive for me, everything is impossibly hard to do. I understand nothing! I understand nothing about this program, and when I read the manual my eyes glaze over and my brain slides into a miasma of fetid fog where no logical thought is possible. The only thing I know how to do is type, and not even that well.

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

February 1, 2012 I just noticed that the laptop is saving these blog enries a different way than they are saved on the desktop system. When that new program comes tomorrow things are gonna be a mess.

I'm sure you're anxious to hear another rant about religion, so here's the latest.

The Milky Way Galaxy, our galaxy, has two to three hundred million stars like ours in it.  There are two to three hundred million galaxies in the observable universe.  The distances involved are beyond our realistic comprehension.  We are only beginning to understand ‘What’ exists, and are totally clueless about “Why’ it exists.  So when a priest or minister tries to tell me that he knows who or what created it I know that I’m either hearing someone who is delusional or a con man.  It’s not the word ‘God’ that I object to, because you do need a word, it’s the assumption that they not only know who or what created all this, but that they also know his feelings about every little insignificant thing…or that he gives a shit one way or the other.

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

January 31, 2012 It's 56 degrees here right now...weird.

Well, at least that fucking Florida primary will be over soon. I'm sure the people of Florida are sick to death of it. We need to do what they do in England and limit the amount of time spent on these elections. Of course, their system is totally different, but it's crazy to spend more than a year electing a president.

One thing I certainly love about the Mac is not having that huge desktop computer sitting under my desk. And there seems to be way fewer cables running all over the place. I've got more memory coming for it. You can buy memory really inexpensively on Amazon for the IMac.

If you are at all like me you're constantly looking for new authors and I have two for you, Barry Eisler and Brett Battles. That can't be his real name, but I'm too lazy to check. Anyway, Battles hero named Jonathan Quinn is excellent as is Eisler's John Rain character. Check em out.

"Doc, I think my son has VD," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."

"Okay, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."

"But I've been screwing the maid too, and I've got the same symptoms he has."

"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up," replied the doctor.

"Well," the man admitted, "I think my wife has it too."

"Oh crap!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

January 30, 2012 I can't believe it, I actually had to buy software! I ordered Dreamweaver CS5.5 from Adobe. It should come coated in diamonds for what it cost. For some reason my Adobe Dreamweaver program on my laptop won't work on the IMac.

You know, it really drives me crazy when a newspaper or a magazine puts a teaser to a story on the cover, but then you can never find it on the inside. Know what I'm talking about? "Actor has Sex With Donkey!" on the cover, but when you try and find the story, you can't, or it's buried under wedding announcements and it turns out some dumb actor married somebody named Shirley Donkey. Well, you get the idea.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

January 28, 2012 Okay, my PC has been sold an is already packed up awaiting Monday when it will get a ride on a UPS truck. Getting used to Mac is a little harder than anticipated, but I have a book coming that promises to make everything clear. I guess we'll see.