A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. 

"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

April 22, 2019

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. 

"Hi, is Tony home?" 

"No, he went to the store.", she replies. 

"Well, you mind if I wait?" 

"No, come in." 

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundredbucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. 

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." 

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. 

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. " 

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

April 18, 2019

The manager of a liquor store gets a midnight phone call at home:
- Hello!
- At what time does the store open?
- At ten o'clock sir.


At two in the morning, the phone rings again: 
- HELLO!
- Ya (burp), at what time does, euh, the store open?
- AT TEN IN THE MORNING, sir


Again, at four, the phone rings:
- H!E!L!L!O!
- Ya, euh, (burp), at ...time, euh, does the euh store open?
- At ten in the morning sir, but I am not sure that, since you are so drunk, I will let you in.
- I (burp) don't want, euh, to get in, euh, I want to get out! 

April 17, 2019

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. 
Man: "What was that for?" 
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?" 
Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." 
The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house. 
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. 
Man: "What was that for this time?" 
Wife: "Your horse phoned." 

April 16, 2019

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. 
Man: "What was that for?" 
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?" 
Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." 
The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house. 
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. 
Man: "What was that for this time?" 
Wife: "Your horse phoned." 

April 15, 2019

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. 

FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." 

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words That every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in Touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." 

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just Love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. 

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new Shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. 

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." 

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" 

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" 

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either. 

April 12, 2019

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. 

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. 

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. 

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. 

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!" 

That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said..... 

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you" 

April 11, 2019

April 10, 2019

April 9, 2019

April 8, 2019

A Woman gets naked in front of her husband and asks: "What turns you on the most, my pretty face, my voluptuous bust or my sexy butt??? 

He briefly looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humor." 

April 5, 2019

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." 

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked,"Well, how much does a brain cost?" 

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." 

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask. 

"Why is the male brain so much more?" 

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

April 4, 2019

April 3, 2019

April 2, 2019

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market called - "Beer" - is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. 

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs" Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. 

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." 

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. 

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. 

If you fall victim to this insidious 'Beer' and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. 

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages 

April 1, 2019

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender. 

"Well, we got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. 

He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" 

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner. 

"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first" 

March 29, 2019

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a Princess "Will you marry me?" 

She said "No." 

...And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting and drank beer all day every day for the rest of his natural days. 

THE END 

March 28, 2019

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists... Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" 

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." 

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." 

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." 

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." 

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair." 

Moral of the Story: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

March 27, 2019

March 26, 2019

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. 

The wife answers the door. 
"Hi, is Tony home?" 
"No, he went to the store." 
"Well, you mind if I wait?" 
"No come in." 

They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." 

Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. 

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." 

Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. 

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." 

Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" 

March 25, 2019

One day God and Adam were walking in the garden. God told Adam it was time to populate the earth. 

He told Adam, "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam replied "God, what is a kiss?" 

God told Adam and Adam went and took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam came back out with a big smile and said "Wow Lord! That was great!! What next?" 

God said, "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Adam says, "Lord what is a caress?" God explained it to Adam and he again took her behind the bush. 

A little while later, he came out and said "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What next." God said, "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to take Eve and make love to her." 

Adam said "Lord, what is to make love?" God explained and Adam took Eve behind the bush and a few seconds later came out and said "Lord, what is a headache?"

March 22, 2019

One night, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters." 

So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need." 

A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So how are you doing with the girls now?" 

Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?" 

March 21, 2019

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, EVER have sex again - the strain would be too much. 

The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. 

This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up. 

"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide." 

"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

March 19, 2019

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. 

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" 

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. 

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." 

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" 

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show". 

"Sensible" says Jeff. 

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw." 

"And what happened then?" 

"I kicked her in the face." 

March 18, 2019

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" 

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. 

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? 

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

March 15, 2019

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pant pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation." 

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on." 

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again. 

"What was that for?" he complained. 

"Your dog called last night." 

March 14, 2019

March 13, 2019 Saw the dentist today. I suffer from White Coat Syndrome, I look at a dentist and my blood pressure goes up to 180/90. Then I have to convince them that I'm not going to die when they look in my mouth. Although, today when he started grinding on a temporary with that rough grinding wheel my heart immediately went into Atrial Fibrillation. I remained stoic through it all.

March 12, 2019

Remember those warm wonderful days of cruising the forest preserves and sucking cock and fucking till you were exhausted?

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. 

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."
"Marvelous," says the man,

"book my wife for next Tuesday!"

March 11, 2019

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. 

"Hi, is Tony home?" 

"No, he went to the store.", she replies. 

"Well, you mind if I wait?" 

"No, come in." 

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundredbucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. 

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." 

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. 

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. " 

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

March 8, 2019

March 7, 2019

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. 

"Hi, is Tony home?" 

"No, he went to the store.", she replies. 

"Well, you mind if I wait?" 

"No, come in." 

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundredbucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. 

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." 

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. 

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. " 

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

March 6, 2019

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. 

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" 

His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

March 5, 2019

It's two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello?... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and prompty slams the phone down. 

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" 

The husband replies. "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

March 4, 2019

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. 

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. 

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! 

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." 

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." 

March 1, 2019

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. 
Man: "What was that for?" 
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?" 
Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." 
The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house. 
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. 
Man: "What was that for this time?" 
Wife: "Your horse phoned." 

February 28, 2019

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. 
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy. 
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby. 
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." 

When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?" 

His wife confessed, "Not this time." 

February 27, 2019

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. 
The guy says, "Who is this?" 
"This is the maid.", answered the woman. 
"We don't have a maid!" 
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." 
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" 
"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." 
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" 
"What do I have to do?" 
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with." 
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. 
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" 
"Throw them in the swimming pool!" 

"What?! There's no pool here?" 

Long pause... "Uh .... is this 832-4821?" 

February 26, 2019

A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Melbourne . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. 

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs. 

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts. 

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to whatever you were doing. I don't know about you sometimes.. 

February 22, 2019

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: 

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." 

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. 

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: 

"Will I be acquitted?" 

February 21, 2019

A husband and wife were sitting around one day drinking a bottle of wine. The husband turns to his wife and says, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time." 

After thinking about it a few minutes the wife looks at her husband and says, "Your pecker is bigger than your brothers!" 

February 20, 2019

A 57-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches. 

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. 

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. 

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." 

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. 

He said," What is it? " 

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas." 

February 18, 2019

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. 

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." 

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." 

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. 

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" 

After a moment of silence, he farted.

February 15, 2019

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation: 

"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum." 

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. 

"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new. 

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I." 

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: sternum." 

February 14, 2019

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question. 

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" 

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" 

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" 

HUSBAND: "Of course I do." 

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" 

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." 

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) 

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) 

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" 

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." 

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" 

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" 

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" 

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." 

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" 

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." 

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?" 

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." 

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?" 

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." 

WIFE: -- silence- 

HUSBAND: "sh*t." 

February 13, 2019

An older Jewish man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that she had never climaxed during sex and by birthright, all Jewish women are entitled to at least one climax during sex. 

So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi tells them to get a strong, virile young man to wave a towel over them while they are having sex. This, the rabbi says, will cause the woman to climax, so the couple tries it. After several attempts, still no climax. 

They go back to the rabbi. The rabbi says for the bride to change partners and have the virile young man have sex with her and have the husband wave the towel. They try it that night and the young woman goes into wild, screaming earsplitting climaxes, one after the other. 

When it is over, the husband smugly looks down at the young man and says, "You see, schmuck, THAT's how you wave a towel!" 

February 12, 2019

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." 

The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." 

The first guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" 

The second guy says, "Well, she is young, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big firm breasts, and a tight butt. What does your wife look like?" 

To which the first guy says, "Never mind; let's just look for yours." 

February 11, 2019 There is some doubt, okay, maybe lots of doubt, about whether or not the dental profesion fucked me over so I removed my previous comments. I guess time will tell.

February 9, 2019

From Rock.

A thief entered the house mid-afternoon and found the couple having sex. He tied up the woman, and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.  

February 7, 2019

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. 

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?" 

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said. 

"Will you use it to gamble?" 

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive." 

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" 

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!" 

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." 

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad." 

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf." 

February 6, 2019

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. 

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared in front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. 

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. 

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" 

The man replied, "Yep, sure do." 

Satan asked "Aren't you afraid of me?" 

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man. 

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" 

The man calmly replied, "I been married to your sister for 48 years." 

February 5, 2019

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. 

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" 

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" 

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." 

February 4, 2019

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors and nothing has worked until one day she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her friend "works wonders on anything." 

The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "remember those headaches I have been having all of these years? Well, they are gone." 

"No more headaches?!?" the husband asks, "What happened?" 

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache." Believe it or not, it worked! The headaches are all gone." 

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." 

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last several years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" 

The husband is unsure he wants to do that, but agrees to try it. Following his appointment with the hypnotist, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He rips off her clothes, puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move. I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps on the bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. 

His wife says, "Boy that was wonderful!" 

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back". He goes back into the bathroom, comes back a few minutes later for round 2 with his wife--even better than the first time. 

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "This is really great!" Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that he goes back in the bathroom. 

This time his wife follows and sees him through the open crack in the door standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's NOT my wife!" 

February 1, 2019 Thank God that month is over with.

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're felt too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room, but they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. 

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. 

"But we didn't use them," the man complains. 

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. 

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. 

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." 

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." 

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. 

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have." 

January 31, 2019 I was kidding about needing the money. I would like the money, which is a different thing.

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. 

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?" 

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said. 

"Will you use it to gamble?" 

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive." 

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" 

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!" 

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." 

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad." 

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf." 

January 30, 2019 Go to this site and open an account or get a credit card. They pay me something and I need the money.

https://accounts.chase.com/raf/share/6020388

It's -23 degrees here and the same for tomorrow. They cancelled mail delivery because the windchill it's -52.

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. 

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him." 

January 29, 2019 Human life is mostly made of poop and mucus.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
--Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
--Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
--Bill Cosby

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards
--Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
--Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
--Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
--Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
--George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. --Cindy Garner 

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. --Elaine Boosler 

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,"There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." --Henny Youngman 

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. --Rita Rudner 

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. --Henny Youngman 

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. --Erma Bombeck 

January 25, 2019

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." 

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. 

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." 

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." 

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. 

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." 

"So, what's your problem?" 

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does." 

January 24, 2019

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." 

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband. 

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. 

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?" 

January 23, 2019

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. 

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice. 

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?" 

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred." 

After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!" 

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" 

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house." 

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." 

"And what happened?" 

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." 

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?" 

"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." 

There is a long pause. 

"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?" 

January 22, 2019

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him. So the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. 

Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship. It read: "Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his back end was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise." 

The old woman faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap." 

January 21, 2019 The latest chapter of Protecting David-Christopher Grows Up can be seen here.

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during on particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. 

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send an e-mail to his wife back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error... 

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following his heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. 

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: 

To: My Loving Wife From: Your Departed Husband Subject: I've Arrived! 

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine. 

P.S. Sure is hot down here... 

January 18, 2019

January 17, 2019

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. 

"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce." "Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake." 

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said. "You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce," he replied.

January 16, 2019

Three mates are down the pub. Bill and Joe are arguing about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke, Fred, says nothing. 

After a while, Bill turns to Fred and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control have you got?" 

"I'll tell you," Fred replies. "Just the other night my missus came crawling to me on her hands and knees." 

The other two were absolutely amazed. "What happened then?", Joe asked. 

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!!!".

January 15, 2019

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot." 

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted. 

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George. 

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. 

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister." 

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father." 

January 14, 2019

A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road. 

Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim." 

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey. 

January 11, 2019

January 10, 2019

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers. 

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?" 

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." 

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" 

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money." 

January 9, 2019

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. 

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" 

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." 

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" 

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." 

The defense attorney almost died. 

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair. 

January 8, 2019

He's gay. Check out his channel. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h38bIlF_DTQ

This is not the guy from the above url.

One day a nice young couple were on their way to the Justice of the Peace to get married. They had an accident and were killed. Now they were in front of St. Peter and the young lady asked if they could get married. St.Peter told them, he would have to get back to them with an answer. Around 30 days later St. Peter returns and tells the couple that they can get married in heaven. The young lady then asks St. Peter, " If things don't work out can we get a divorce?" St. Peter looks at her and replies, " Lady it took me 30 days to find a preacher up here do you really think I am going to find a lawyer? 

January 7, 2019

Mark and Marc.

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" 

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's." The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" 

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" 

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays." 

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." 

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

January 4, 2019

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, bee-lines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. 

The butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." 

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." 

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. 

Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 for legal consultation. 

January 3, 2019

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: 

"How much for Engineer brain?" 

"3 dollars an ounce." 

"How much for other generic profession brain?" 

"4 dollars an ounce." 

"How much for lawyer brain?" 

"100 dollars an ounce." 

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?" 

"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

January 2, 2019

December 27, 2018

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet. 

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?"

December 26, 2018

A lawyer, laying on his deathbed in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it. 

As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting left and right. Curious, his wife asked, "What are you doing, honey?" "I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.

December 24, 2018 This quote from Tender is The Night always makes me think. Mostly about how after a certain age the trains no longer run for you.

Nicole was the product of much ingenuity and toil. For her sake trains began their run at Chicago and traversed the round belly of the continent to California; chicle factories fumed and link belts grew link by link in factories; men mixed toothpaste in vats and drew mouthwash out of copper hogsheads; girls canned tomatoes quickly in August or worked rudely at Five-and-Tens on Christmas Eve; half-breed Indians toiled on Brazilian coffee plantations and dreamers were muscled out of patent rights in new tractors — these were some of the people who gave a tithe to Nicole, and as the whole system swayed and thundered onward it lent a feverish bloom to such processes of hers as wholesale buying, like a flush of a fireman’s face holding his post before a spreading blaze. She illustrated very simple principles, containing in herself her own doom, but illustrated them so accurately that there was grace in the procedure, and presently Rosemary would try to imitate it. 

December 21, 2018

A Sardar went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a game warden who didn't like Sardars. The game warden ordered the Sardar to show his hunting license, and the Sardar pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license. 
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license, boy?" 
The Sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?" 
The sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?" 
Again the Sardar reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Sardar "Just where the hell are you from?" 
The Sardar smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert."

December 20, 2018

Once upon a time, there once was a traveling salesman who's wife was a well known sex addict. But because the man could not be home all of the time, he often worried about his wife's faithfulness. He had noticed that she had been eyeing the young neighbor boy who cut their lawn recently. So one day the man decided to try to do something about this. After work the man entered a sexual aid shop and asked the owner to show him the selection of dildos.
"Why yes, of course." said the owner, "We have a very wide selection."
But after looking for quite a long time, the man just did not find anything that satisfied him.
"Well, maybe I have just what you need." remarked the owner, "Wait here."
And with that, the owner ran into the back and started digging around for quite some time. After about twenty minutes, the owner finally came out carrying a strange, rectangular box with ancient writing all over it. He set the box down on the counter and opened it for the man. Inside, resting on a bed of satin, la lay an ancient wooden dildo.
"Wow, that pretty neat." said the man, "But what's so special about it?"
"This is the Voodoo dick." remarked the owner, "Watch." Then the owner commanded, "Voodoo dick, rise."
All of a sudden the dildo rose and hovered in front of the man's face. "Voodoo dick, door."
The dildo then flew to the door and started pounding on it like a jackhammer.
Five minutes later, when the door was nothing but a pile of splinters, the owner finally commanded, "Voodoo dick, box."
The dildo stopped suddenly and zipped back to rest in its box. The man, being in amazement, pronounced, "My god, this thing is incredible. I must have it. How much is it?"
"Oh no, I cannot sell it to you. It is a family hierloom and is not for sale."
"Well, I must have it. I'll give you $200 for it." demanded the man. "No, not for sale." "$500." "No, I cannot." "$700." "I am sorry." "$1000." "Well, ok."
So the man took the dildo home and presented it to his wife, "When I am gone and you start to get hot and horny, all you need to do is say 'Voodoo dick, cunt' and it will do the rest." explained the man.
The next day the man had to leave for his business trip. He was not gone more than thirty minutes when his wife started to get that feeling again. She picked up a magazine to read and noticed that their lawn was being mowed, but wanting to stay faithful to her husband, she decided to try her new toy. She ran to the bedroom, fell onto the bed, opened the box, and commanded 'Voodoo dick, cunt'.
With that, the Voodoo dick started to fuck away at her pussy. The wife thought that this was incredible and was having one orgasm after another. An hour passed and she was still orgasming like crazy. Another hour passed and she was begining to tire and getting a bit sore. But she realized that she did not know the command to stop the Voodoo dick. She decided that she had better get help as soon as she could. So she got into her car and raced to the hospital.
While speeding there, she flew past a cop who then proceeded to pull her over.
"Why in the hell were you driving so crazy?" asked the officer.
"Well officer," answered the wife, "I have this Voodoo dick in my cunt, and I dont know how to stop it."
To which the officer responded, "Voodoo dick, my ass!"

December 19, 2018

Charlie is sitting in the doctor's waiting room, when George, a causal acquaintance, walks in and sits next to him.
"W w what are yy you dd doing hh here?" George asks.
"I'm waiting to see the doctor," replies Charlie.
"Ww what's the mmm matter? Ww why dd do yyy you ww want to sss see him? George inquires.
"Well, I have a prostate problem," Charlie says.
"A pp prostate ppp problem, ww what's th th that?" asks George.
"If you must know, I pee like you talk!" explains Charlie.

December 18, 2018

A truck driver stopped for a meal at and was just served when a huge caravan of Hells Angels roared in. As the gang entered the restraunt, everyone but the truck driver quickly paid thier bills and left. The truck driver quietly sat there eating his steak.
The leader of the Hells Angels marched in and sat by the trucker at the bar, reached over and took his plate and began to eat the steak. Still unruffled, the trucker sat there quietly and drank his coffee. This infuriated the gang leader who grabbed the coffee and poured it on the trucker's head. Calmly the trucker wiped his head and walked to the cashier. Amid jears and insults from the gang the trucker paid his bill and left.
When the waitress came to take their order, the gang leader remarked, "Boy, that guy wasn't much of a man was he. I stole his steak, called his mother a bitch, and even poured coffee on his head. And the whimp, he just walked away."
The waitress replied, "Yea, I guess your right. You really scared him. He must have run over about forty motorcycles trying to get out of the parking lot, but he just kept on going."

December 17, 2018