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- - - BLOG August 2016- - -
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

August 26, 2016 If your beard is gray and you like the scruffy look you look like Gabby Hayes.

From Rock.

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into
a taxi in New York City and lay down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his
eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt
to start the cab.
 
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong
with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked
woman before?"
 
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you
sumsing, lady.  I vasn't staring at you like you
tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."
 
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if
you're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what
are you doing then?"
 
He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am,
I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking
to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping
de money to pay for dis ride?
 
Now, that's a REAL Businessman!

 

August 24, 2016

From Rock.

A little Irishman gets into an elevator, looks
up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down and says:
"7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"

The little Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......The big guy
says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"

The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks
me................ I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch
penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown"

The Irishman says:

"Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said,"Turn Around"!!

 

August 23, 2016

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. 

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: 

"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"


The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. 

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. 

This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?" 

August 22, 2016

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback. 

They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. 

"What happened?" she asks. 

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!" 

August 19, 2016

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?" 

"I'm a cow." 

"Right, right. What do you do?" 

"I make milk for the farmer." 

"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" 

"I'm a chicken." 

"Oh, right. What do you do?" 

"I make eggs for the farmer." 

"Right, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" 

"I am a Stallion," said the stallion. 

"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?" 

"Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you." 

August 18, 2016

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender explains that the bar doesn't have any quackers. 

The next day, the same duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender again explains that the bar doesn't serve quackers. 

Sure enough, the very next day, the duck again walks into the bar and asks for some quackers. The bartender screams at the duck, "If you come in here one more time, I'm going to nail your beak into the wall with a hammer and some nails! " 

A few days pass, and then the duck walks into the bar again.The bartender notices the duck and says, "I'm warning you!" 

The duck replies, "Do you have a hammer?" 

The bartender replies, "No!" 

The duck asks, "Do you have any nails?" 

The bartender replies, "No!" 

The duck grins and asks, "Do you have any quackers?"

 

August 17, 2016 I can't get this song out of my head and now it's your problem.

 

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. 

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. 

The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal." 

"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream." 

August 16, 2016

There once was a snake breeder who had two snakes he was trying to mate. For the life of him, he couldn't get them within two feet of each other. Frustrated, he called up the local zoologist, and explained the situation. She hurried over, picked up the snakes and looked at them. "You know what I would do?" she said. "See that tree over there? Chop it down, chop off a good sized log, split the log in two, and make two tables out of them. Put the tables and the snakes into a cage, and let them go at it." 

Well, the breeder thought that this was insane, but having no other options, he tried it. Sure enough, a few days later he had a whole slew of baby snakes. He called up the zoologist, and asked her how that was possible. She replied, "Well, you see, those snakes were adders. And everybody knows that to get adders to multiply you need log tables."

August 15, 2016

DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping. 

2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all. 

3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!! 

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?) 

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway? 

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it. 

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet? 

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot. 

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous. 

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile. 

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home. 

12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me? 

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back. 

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit. 

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!

 

August 12, 2016

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! 

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. 

The moral of the story is: 

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

August 11, 2016

A bear is sitting in the middle of a forest taking the biggest shit of his life and feeling dam good about it. 

He looks down and sees a rabbit dumping a load right next to him. The bear looks at the rabbit and says, "Hey, uhh Mr. Rabbit, uhh do you have a problem withthe shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit shakes his head no and says, "Nope, never bothers me." 

The bear says, "Good!" takes the rabbit and wipes his ass with him and then tosses him aside.

August 10, 2016 From the first day of August until the last day we lose about an hour and thirteen minutes of daylight. Even now the color of the light at noon has changed pretty dramatically. Autumn is coming.

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9- Iron". 

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked! 

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3-wood." 

The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one. 

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." 

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom - tons of cash come sliding back across the table. 

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." 

He figures, Why not? After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay. With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. 

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

August 9, 2016

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three-toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son. 

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long periods." 

"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom ..." "Yes son?" "Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

August 8, 2016

A rabbit broke out of the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking, for the first time in his life. "Wow," he thought. "This is great." It wasn't long before he came to a hedge. After squeezing under it, he saw a wonderful sight -- lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. 

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" "Yes, come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?", he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." 

This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." 

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We have sex with them. Go and try it." 

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning at this until, completely exhausted, he staggered back over to the guys. 

"That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?", one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time, but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here." 

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

August 7, 2016 Bob and I just bought tickets to see Kim Kardashian starring in The Sound of Music!

August 5, 2016

 

A bear is sitting in the middle of a forest taking the biggest shit of his life and feeling dam good about it. 

He looks down and sees a rabbit dumping a load right next to him. The bear looks at the rabbit and says, "Hey, uhh Mr. Rabbit, uhh do you have a problem withthe shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit shakes his head no and says, "Nope, never bothers me." 

The bear says, "Good!" takes the rabbit and wipes his ass with him and then tosses him aside.

August 4, 2016

A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. 

After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. 

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" 

"Hmmm...." thought the duck's former owner. "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

August 3, 2016

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. 

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you," 

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" 

He hissed at the parrot. 

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you," The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" 

"Moses," replied the bird. The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird 'Moses'?" 

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

August 2, 2016

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished patrons and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. 

In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The 'gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. 

The 'gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' 

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up. 

'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.'

August 1, 2016 Happy first of August. September and the end of the world is just a month away.

A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. 

After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. 

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" 

"Hmmm...." thought the duck's former owner. "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

 

July 28, 2016

Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer. When all of a sudden, a giant bear jumps out and scares the shit out of them. They drop their guns and run like hell. 

One of the hunters stopped, opened up his backpack and laced up a pair of tennis shoes. His buddy looked at him and said, "What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't outrun the bear!" 

To this the hunter said, "I know, all I have to do is outrun you!"

July 27, 2016

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. 

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you," 

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" 

He hissed at the parrot. 

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you," The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" 

"Moses," replied the bird. The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird 'Moses'?" 

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

July 26, 2016

A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!


 

July 25, 2016

A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. 

After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. 

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" 

"Hmmm...." thought the duck's former owner. "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

July 22, 2016

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. 

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you," 

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" 

He hissed at the parrot. 

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you," The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" 

"Moses," replied the bird. The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird 'Moses'?" 

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

 

 

 

 

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