December 13, 2013 So you've probably been wondering who the hottest priests in the Vatican are...right? Well anyway, here's my pick for the priest I'd most like to fuck. There are a lot of them in second place. The Vatican actually puts out a calendar of them. It's true.

From Margaret...I think.

A  man in Scotland calls his son in   London the day before  Christmas Eve and says, I hate to ruin your day  but I have to tell you that your mother  andI  are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is  enough. 
    
'Dad,  what are you talking about?' the son  screams.

We  can't stand the sight of each other any longer the  father says.We're  sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this,  so you callyour  sister in Leeds and  tell her. 

Frantically,  the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.  Like hellthey're  getting divorced! she shouts, I'll take care of  this! 

She  calls Scotland   immediately, and screams at her father You are  NOTgetting  divorced.  Don't do a single thing until I get  there. I'm calling mybrother  back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,  don't do a thing,DO  YOU HEAR ME? and hangs up.
 
The old man  hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted!  They'recoming  for Christmas - and they're paying their own  way.' 
 

December 12, 2013 This infuriated me at the time and infuriates me anew every time I read it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/USS_Liberty_incident

December 11, 2013 The only thing even mildly interesting that happened today was when I was done working out this morning and walked back into the locker room there was a really handsome black guy taking a selfie of his amazing body. He looked at me and seemed a little embarrassed but then we both laughed.

Oh, now that I think of it, Saturday morning the weather was crap and I was at the gym really early and it was totally empty. I took the last treadmill in a line of about thirty or forty of them. A few minutes later a guy came out of the locker room, stopped at my treadmill and said, "You're my hero." The only reason I can imagine for the comment was because I'm always there, and the weather that morning was really horrible. Fifteen minutes later a woman came in and out that whole line of treadmills took the one right next to mine. But I was reading and never looked up. If I was straight it would be so easy to get laid. Unfortunately my sex partners would all be in as bad a shape as I am. Too bad I can't run into a hot young guy who wants to really debase himself.

December 10, 2013

December 9, 2013 God! The weather here is fucking horrible! I'm not sure I'm gonna survive this winter.

Lots of bad attitude.

December 6, 2013 It is really cold here, like 16 degrees F. And it's gonna stay cold for awhile, like four months. But at least there's no snow on the ground. Well, and it's Friday.

December 5, 2013 I've been rereading The Second Deadly Sin by Lawrence Sanders and wishing Mr. Sanders was still alive to give us more of the same. He's been dead for fifteen years so it's not like the pain is new, but I still miss him. Reading the Deadly Sin group of books, I think there are four, is worth it just for the sandwich suggestions.

The other author that I wish was still alive and writing is Richard Condon. Condon wrote lots of stuff, but the book that stays with me is Mile High. If you haven't read it I urge you to get a copy. You'll have to buy the actual physical book because it isn't on Kindle, but used, they're like a dollar from Amazon. It is a book that will stay with you. Condon also wrote Prizzi's Honor, Manchurian Candidate, An Infinity of Mirrors, Winter Kills and Bandicoot.

December 4, 2013 The internet feels like there's some enormous hacking thing happening. Nothing seems to be loading properly, and since when can't you get Yahoo up.

December 3, 2013 It was warmish and raining here today. Let's hope that continues through March.

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

December 2, 2013 I love this piece of music, and wasn't Zubin Mehta hot? Or is it just me?

November 29, 2013 So did everyone surivie the holiday? That's one down and one to go.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.                                         

What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
It's not hard.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.

November 27, 2013 Well, I hope everyone has a nice Thanksgiving, and if you live outside of the U.S. I hope you have a nice Thursday.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic!

Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?

A: She found out Big Ben was only a clock.

Q: What's the difference between the Chesapeake Bay and a blonde?

A: The Chesapeake Bay is losing its crab population.

November 26, 2013 I swear, they are redoing every foot of freeway in this town and getting to my doctors appointment this morning was like sitting in a six lane parking lot bumping hesitantly forward at about a mile every ten minutes.

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

November 25, 2013 Cold and snowy. I hate the snow. I hate coming out of the store and having to clean snow off the windshield.

This isn't sexual, it's supportive.

"A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , Before you meet with God, I should tell you  we ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn t do anything particularly good or bad. We re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision? 
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me! 
Wow that s impressive, When did this happen? 
About three minutes ago,  came the reply."

November 23, 2013 Everything a dad should be.

November 22, 2013 I bought a turkeky today. Honestly, I've spent enough on just the raw material for Thankgiving dinner that we could go out to a really nice restaurant and let them do all the work.

I know how he feels.

The Microsoft Waiter 

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[The waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!


The check: 
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00 
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50 
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00"

November 21, 2013 We've been enjoying relatively warm weather here in Milwaukee, but that is due to end this weekend...well, actually starting tomorrow. Saturday is supposed to have a low of 10 degrees fahrenheit. I can't believe I spelled that correctly on the first go.

You know this will go well.

"Technical support:
Caller: 
"Hello, is this Tech Support?" 
Tech: 
"Yes, it is. How may I help you?" 
Caller: 
"The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" 
Tech: 
"I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" 
Caller: 
"Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." 
Tech: 
"Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" 
Caller: 
"It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '24X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive."

November 20, 2013 The holidays approacheth.

 

The Best Smart Ass Answers

 

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 
'What are my choices?' John asked. 
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. 
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' 
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. 
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' 
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. 
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' 
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' 
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' 
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.' 
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect

 

November 19, 2013 This is cute, and besides, at this point, what does KMart have to lose?

"A lady went to a doctors office where she was seen by a Doctor.A few minutes into the examination, screeching could be heard from the room, and then the lady burst out of the room as if running for her life. After much effort a nurse finally managed to calm her down enough to tell her story.The nurse barged into the office of the Doctor and screamed, shame on you, Mrs. Smith is 82 years old, and you told her she spregnant.  The Doctor continued writing calmly and barely looking up said, Does she still have the hiccups?"

November 18, 2013 We had some really heavy storms yesterday, but other than enormous amounts of rain, nothing happened here.

Crossed swords.

"A string walked into a bar, hopped on the barstool, and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender said, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here."
Disappointed, the string hopped down from the stool and went to the next bar. He hopped on the barstool and said, again, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender said, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here."
The string continued down the row of bars in this fashion. At every bar, he hopped on the barstool and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender at every bar in turn said, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here."
Finally he got to the last bar in the area. He was tired, he was sweaty, all he wanted was a beer. He trudged inside, climbed on the barstool, and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." This bartender, too, said, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here."
Tired and angry, the string walked outside to think. He was a hard-working string. He deserved a beer. Finally, he came up with an idea. He had a passerby tie him up into a bow and frazzle his ends. Then he went back into the bar, and climbed up on the barstool. "Bartender, gimme a beer!" he said loudly.
The bartender looked him over critically, and finally yelled, "Hey, aren't you that string that was in here a few minutes ago?"
The string replied coolly, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot.""

November 15, 2013 I've mentioned this before and I'm doing it again. The one thing Apple doesn't do very well, IMO, is making mice and keyboards. They certainly are beautiful, but they are awkward to use. Mice should have two distinct buttons, and wireless keyboards should be able to work when they're more than 18 inches away from the computer.

An oldie but goodie.

"A man in a bar has a couple of beers and the barman tells him he owes 6.50.
"But I paid you, don't you remember?" replies the customer.
"Okay," says the barman, "if you said you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the barman can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later plays the same trick.
The barman replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes out into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how he got some free drinks and told him to try it too.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink double scotches when suddenly, the barman leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the mouth."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way.""

November 14, 2013 I've been reading about the problems Toronto has been having with its mayor. What's amazing about that is that it's happening in Canada and not here. I feel sorry for the guys wife.

"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor and asked the woman who answered the door, "Is Fred home?"
"Sorry, Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the bill collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir. I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?"
"No, Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and check the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with the inscription, "Gone, But Not for Cotton.""

November 13, 2013 Nothing like jumping on the freeway in the middle of rush hour traffic and suddenly feeling like you're going to pass out. Not to mention that there is so much highway work going on in Milwaukee that the freeways are insane. Froedtert Hospital is the biggest one in Milwaukee and because of the work they're doing to the freeways you almost can't get there. Anyway, they gave me a halter monitor that I gotta wear for 48 hours. The guy that put it on me was cute though.

"Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?  asks an accountant. Watch and you ll see,  answers an engineer. All of them board the train.The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, Ticket, please. The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was a clever idea.So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money .When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don t buy a ticket at all. How are you going to travel without a ticket?  says one perplexed accountant. Watch and you ll see,  answers an engineer.When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please." 

November 12, 2013

"Jerry was at a marriage seminar, and the leader of the seminar, a lady, was asking everybody how long they were married for. When it was Jerry s turn Jerry said that he was married for almost 50 years. Wow  the leader gushed that s amazing, perhaps you can take a few minutes to share some insights with everybody, how you stay married to the same woman for so long. Well,  Jerry said after thinking for a few moments, I try to treat her nice, buy her presents, take her on trips & & & &. and best of all, for our 25th anniversary I took her to the Bahamas.  Well that s really beautiful, and a true inspiration for all of us  the lady said maybe you can tell us what you are going to do for your 50th anniversary  she said with a smile Well  Jerry said I m thinking of going back to the Bahamas to pick her up. "

"A lady went to a doctor s office where she was seen by a Doctor.A few minutes into the examination, screeching could be heard from the room, and then the lady burst out of the room as if running for her life. After much effort a nurse finally managed to calm her down enough to tell her story.The nurse barged into the office of the Doctor and screamed, shame on you, Mrs. Smith is 82 years old, and you told her she s pregnant.  The Doctor continued writing calmly and barely looking up said, Does she still have the hiccups? "

November 11, 2013 It snowed here for like two hours. Fortunately the streets and sidewalks are too warm for it to have accumulated, but the grass and trees are covered and now were looking at nighttime temps of twenty-two degrees. F.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and Wednesday, then again on the 26th. I wouldn't mind all that if one of them was a really hot guy who'd let me suck his dick, but alas, that's not to be.

"Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking companies fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer. 
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......." 
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'" 
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." 
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." 
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." 
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He went over to my mule first, and after he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are you feeling?""

November 8, 2013 I've always liked this group, Pink Martini.

November 8, 2013 I really admire Warren Buffett, for a lot of reasons, and I was watching a video of him talking to an audience of high school kids and answering their questions. One guy asked him if he thought that Social Security, Medicare and social programs in general were something that we could afford or should even have. In his answer he asked the audience to imagine that somehow, prior to their birth some supreme being offered them this deal. You could be born into the world of your choosing with the rules and regulation that you would like to have. The catch, the things you'd have no control over were that you were going to be one person out of seven billion, you could be born either male or female, and you could end up being born anywhere on earth, so what safeguards, what social programs would you want to eliminate? An interesting question.

It doesn't get better than this.

"An Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here."

November 7, 2013 I had a little bout of atrial fibrilation, but it seems to have resolved itself. It was probably brought on by Tater taking a dump in a corner of the living room after walking past his perfectly clean litter box. If it's not one thing it's another.

"A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car.
The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license. 
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?" 
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!" 
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. 
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman. 
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, 
"You're free to go. 
And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this.""

November 5, 2013

November 4, 2013

November 1, 2013 Geez, the first of November. The year is flying by. Thanksgiving later this month and then the end of the year. How depressing.

This will pick you up.

And if you want even more of Judy...

"A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner.
A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner...NOW!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
"Pretty good," chuckled the veteran policemen, "especially since this is a bus stop!""

"A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." 
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." 
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her.""

October 31, 2013 Happy Halloween! Our Halloween happened on Sunday so this just seems anti climatic because it pouring outside today and nobody is doing anything but staying out of the rain.

On the 21st of September I got a flu shot at the VA and it pretty much hurt more than any shot I've gotten in years, but I just figured that that sometimes happens. But since then that shoulder has really gotten worse. So now I figure I've gotta make another appointment and go in and see what's fucked up. It's just such a pain in the ass to do that. I keep hoping it'll just quit hurting. I wonder how many Advil you can take without killing yourself?

That is one fine ass.

"There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.
One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for "enjoyment of food"
Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them.
The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it." The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.
At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."
The judge turned to Mike and said, "What do you have to say to that?" The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?" The Irishman replied with a wide grin, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money.""

October 30, 2013 Rupert Murdoch may have had a point. It kills me to say that because his newspapers took their power in Britain way, way, way, too far, but in light of some governmental fuckups lately you can see how an aggresive press is a good thing. But like I said, they went too far. Too often, the problem in this country is that they don't go far enough, and the rest of the media, TV news, is basically worthless, except for PBS and NPR.

"A country doctor went way out to the Boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the labouring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!""

October 29, 2013

"A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ........." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth"."

October 28, 2013 We had our trick-or-treaters on Sunday. It wasn't really much of turn out. I've got a lot of cheap candy left.

An older woman gets pulled over for speeding... 
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? 
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding. 
Older Woman: Oh, I see. 
Officer : Can I see your license please? 
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. 
Officer : Don't have one? 
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. 
Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. 
Older Woman: I can't do that. 
Officer : Why not? 
Older Woman: I stole this car. 
Officer : Stole it? 
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. 
Officer : You what? 
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. 
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. 
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. 
Older woman: Is there a problem sir? 
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. 
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? 
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. 
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. 
Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am? 
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. 
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. 
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. 
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. 
Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. 
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."