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- - - BLOG September 2014- - -
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

October 24, 2014 It's getting warm again. It seems like it's always warm around Halloween, then the bottom falls out.

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. 

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner. 

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." 

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" 

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning." 

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. 

"Thought he was having his picture taken. 

October 23, 2014

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, "$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00" 

The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?" 

The Indian says, "yes." 

The cowboy hands him a five and says, ""you're on" 

The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming." 

The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right" and strolls away. 

A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. 

The Indian says, "you're from Montana" 

The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away. 

The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the mensroom, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "do your stuff" 

The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian. 

The Indian says, "You're from Arkansas" 

The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from Arkansas?" 

The Indian replies, "by the wool on your zipper." 

October 22, 2014

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" 

Most of the hands go up. 

"And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" 

About half the hands stay up. 

"Okay, now how many of you have had *physical* contact with a ghost?" 

Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd. 

"Gosh, that's pretty good. Okay, have any of you ever, uh..., been *intimate* with a ghost?" 

One hand stays up. The speaker blinks. 

"Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had *sexual* contact with a ghost?" 

The fellow suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry,... I thought you said goat!" 

October 21, 2014

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Billy Bob that she would send someone out right away. 

Where do you live?" asked the operator. 

Billy Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." 

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" 

There was a long pause and finally Billy Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?" 

October 20, 2014 Just in case you've forgotten what it's all about.

You might be a Redneck Jedi if.....
you ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
your Jedi robe is camouflage.
you have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
at least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
you can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
you have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
the worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
wookiees are offended by your B.O.
you have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
you have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
you have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
you have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
you ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
you have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
you have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
you suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood decking.
you were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
if you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle."

 

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. 

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?" 

"Well, we work for the county," one of the men said. 

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?" 

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us -- me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back." 

"Now, just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."

October 17, 2014 Friday, cold and rainy with slippery dead leaves under your feet.

A guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray........... 

"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". 

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. 

Jacob goes back to the synagogue..................... 

"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". 

Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck! 

Back to the synagogue.................. 

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???". 

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: "JACOB, MEET ME HALFWAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A BLOODY LOTTO TICKET!!!"

October 16, 2014

A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. 

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies. 

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" 

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." 

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." 

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" 

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee. 

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. 

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" 

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

October 15, 2014

I've posted this before, but I really like it.

From Rock.

A student played high school football in Detroit. He was a great running back, but a really poor student.


At graduation, he didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star, and the students held a rally and demanded the principal give him his diploma anyway. 

They were so insistent that the principal agreed if Dwayne could answer one question correctly, he would give him his diploma.

The one-question test was held in the auditorium, and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only.

The principal was on the stage, and told him to come up. The principal had the diploma in his hand and said, "Dwayne, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma." 

Dwayne said he was ready, and the principal asked him the question. 

"Dwayne," he said, "How much is three times seven?"

Dwayne looked up at the ceiling and down at his shoes, pondering the question. 

The other students began chanting,"Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"

Then Dwayne held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. He said, "I think... I know the answer .. Three times seven is twenty-one."

A hush fell over the auditorium, and all the other students began another chant... "Give him another chance!...

Give him another chance!"

 

October 14, 2014

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug. 

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested. 

"But what if my wife finds out?" 

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" 

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." 

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it never worked."

 

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" 

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" 

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor finished, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." 

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

October 13, 2014

 

A football coach of an all Redneck team walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." 

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" 

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "Four?" 

"Four?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. 

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

 

A redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in the barn. 

"Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife." 

So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married. 

But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son choking the chicken again. 

"You crazy boy!!" he yelled, "That Becky-Sue's a fine young gal!" 

"I know Paw," the boy replied, "but her arm gits tired sometimes!"

October 10, 2014 Friday, at last.

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny,Pat?" 

"I just saw one of your garters!" 

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!" 

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" 

"I just saw both of your garters!" 

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!" 

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. 

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks. 

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

October 9, 2014

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. 

"Can I help you?" she asked. 

"I want to see Natalie," the man replied. 

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam. 

"No, I must see Natalie" was the man's reply. 

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. 

The next night the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row-too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. 

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man. 

"No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked. 

The man replied, "South Carolina." 

"Really?" she said. "I have family in South Carolina." 

"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance." 

October 8, 2014

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. 

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" 

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." 

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." 

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." 

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." 

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" 

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed." 

October 7, 2014

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?" 

The man said, "I do Father." 

The priest said,"Leave this pub right now!"
He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?" 

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest. 

Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father." 

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" 

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

October 6, 2014

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend." 

"Wow," exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house." 

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him, "What did you do?" 

"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out." 

"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your friend?" 

The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, 'BAD DOG!'" 

October 3, 2014 The temp is going down close to freezing tonight. I had to bring in some plants.

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. 

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. 

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. 

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." 

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" 

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?" 

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

October 2, 2014 I have a question for anyone familiar with Dreamweaver CS5. For some reason in the Panels thingy on the right side my Files section has disappeared. I went to Windows and clicked on Files but nothing happens. Is there some way to restore this to original condition? I'm so terrible at this. It's like a horde of monkeys trying to write Gone With The Wind.

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. 

The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. 

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch." 

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch. The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says, "Now that's more like it." 

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?" The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "THIS TASTES LIKE PISS." 

To which the old drunk replies, "That's right, now guess how old I am."

October 1, 2014

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out. 

One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why. 

"Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18" 

The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!" 

The bartender asks "so which one died?" 

"No one." 

"But you only ordered two drinks!" 

"Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."

September 30, 2014 I may have said this before, but let me say it again, I hate Google Chrome.

If you don't have one of the above try and get one of the below.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch. 

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" 
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off." 
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals"
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch?" 
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. 
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. 
"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."

September 29, 2014 There was a time when religion was a good thing, a necessary thing, but now, in the modern world, it's a little like having Attila the Hun as your brother in law. You know you gotta have him over for dinner, but you dread it.

One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man, "That's a great looking pig, but why does he have a wooden leg?" 

So the man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety. Saved my life." 

The bartender says. "Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?" 

The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized. This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life." 

The bartender says, "That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?" 

The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out. Saved my life." 

And finally the bartender says,"Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, an earthquake and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?" 

The man says, "When you have a pig this special you can't eat all of it at once."

September 26, 2014 The leaves are falling. The end is near.

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around midnight each night. 

He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued his nightly routine. 

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all. 

The friend listened and said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways." 

The wife thought that this might be a good idea. 

That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. 

His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in. 

Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Merle down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Merle, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?" 

At that, in his inebriated state he replied, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

September 25, 2014

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. 

The first man was an Engineer, 

The second man was an Accountant, 

The third man was a Chemist, and 

The fourth man was a Government Employee. 

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." 

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. 

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. 

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff." 

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. 

Everyone agreed that was good. 

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." 

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. 

Everyone agreed that was pretty good. 

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" 

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff." 

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet....... 

Ate the cookies........ 

Drank the milk....... 

sh*t on the paper....... 

Screwed the other three cats....... 

Claimed he injured his back while doing so....... 

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions....... 

Put in for Workers Compensation...............and 

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............ 

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

 

From Rock.


Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. 

The first man was an Engineer, 

The second man was an Accountant, 

The third man was a Chemist, and 

The fourth man was a Government Employee. 

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." 

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. 

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. 

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff." 

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. 

Everyone agreed that was good. 

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." 

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. 

Everyone agreed that was pretty good. 

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" 

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff." 

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet....... 

Ate the cookies........ 

Drank the milk....... 

sh*t on the paper....... 

Screwed the other three cats....... 

Claimed he injured his back while doing so....... 

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions....... 

Put in for Workers Compensation...............and 

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............ 

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

September 24, 2014

The answer is, "Yes!"

Things to do in the bathroom stall...

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."


 

September 23, 2014


I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

 

September 22, 2014 The weather if turning nice and more typical of this time of year, warm days and slightly cool nights.

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. 

God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. 

She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance. 

She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years!! 

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you." 


A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. Her biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact. 

"Mary... Mary...." 

"Is that you Fred?" 

"Yes, I have come back like we agreed." 

"What is it like?" 

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bath in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again. " 

"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven." 

"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

September 19, 2014

Warning Signs That You Need A New Lawyer

You met him in prison.
During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
A prison guard is shaving your head.
Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said . . ."
He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25."
Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

September 18, 2014

From gds.

The Will
 
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
 
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be
in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he
begins to speak:
My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
 
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the
east end."

My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the
City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings
on the banks of the river."
 
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize
his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working
man to have accumulated all this property".
 
Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the asshole had a paper route!"
 

 

September 17, 2014 Anyone have some secret and really amazing treatment for sinus headaches? I may not live through this one.

Nothing quite like having your ass probed while sucking on tongue.

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" 
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. 
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." 
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?" 

A guy walked into a bar in Alabama and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer. 

The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?" 

The guy said, "I'm from Iowa." 

The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Iowa?" 

The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist." 

The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?" 

The guy said nervously, "I mount animals." 

The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us! "

September 16, 2014 I still can't get over the weather here. It's like one day it was summer and the next day it was fall. Normally it doesn't work that way here with the warmth of summer lingering long into September and even October.

A man was in a bar and needed a light for his cigarette. The man next to him pulled out a long, thin lighter such as the first man had never seen before. The first man asked the second man where he got it. 

The second man said, "There is a genie living in a bottle next to the river. If you go there and rub the bottle, the genie will grant you one wish." 

The first man found the bottle near the river and rubbed it. The genie appeared and said, "I will grant you one wish." The man thinks for a while and says, "I want one million bucks." 

The genie says, "It is done. Go home and in one hour go look out of your window into your front yard." After an hour, the man looked outside and all he saw was DUCKS everywhere. 

The man was irate. He went back to the bar and said to the man with the lighter, "I am so disgusted. I found the genie, but instead of one million bucks, that genie gave me one million DUCKS. 

The other man said, "You think you're disgusted. Do you honestly think I asked that genie for a nine-inch BIC?" 

September 15, 2014

From gds.

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------...
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
Contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve
To avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the
Road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't
You put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him
Hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall
Backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell
Forward, they'd still be in the boat."
--------------------------------------
A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police
Station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the
Next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."


 

 

 

September 12, 2014 For the last few days it's been so cold we've had to have the heat going, it's unusual for that to happen this early. We had the furnace people come out today just to make sure everything was clean and working properly. That guy is so handsome.

I know that feeling and it's wonderful.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" 

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich. 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. 

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." 

Again the man re aches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again. 

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" 

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." 

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" 

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. 

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" 

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say." 

September 11, 2014

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. 

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?" 

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony." 

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! 

I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable." 

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. 

That is what I wish for...a good man." 

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*cking map again." 

September 10, 2014 There's a lot that I like about Google, but I hate Google Chrome, the browser. I have more problems with it than any other.

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" 

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's." The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" 

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" 

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays." 

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." 

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

September 9, 2014

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. 

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"? 

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" 

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension". 

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother". The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?" 

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. 

Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?" 

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." 

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. 

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. 

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, &held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered......... 

BET YOU'RE SORRY YOU NEUTERED ME." 

September 8, 2014

From Rock.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied
'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Notre Dame !'
And they say blondes are dumb...
________________________________________
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'
The woman sighs and replies, 'I'll miss you.......
_________________________________________

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
____________________________________
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
_________________________________________
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
 Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
 I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
________________________________________
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

_________________________________________
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy. .

_________________________________________
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name ?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
________________________________________
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..

_________________________________________
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
_________________________________________

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.........
.......then He made the earth round
, and laughed and laughed and laughed. 

_________________________________________

 

September 5, 2014

FA teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. 

Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cuz your feet ain't empty."

 

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, bee-lines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. 

The butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." 

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." 

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. 

Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 for legal consultation. 

 

 

September 4, 2014

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix!" The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologise and see how much this is going to cost." 

They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said "Are you the people that broke my window?" 

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied. 

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me! I'm allowed to grant three wishes, and I'll give you each one wish and keep the last one for myself." 

"Wow, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life!" 

"No problem. It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world!" she said. 

"Consider it done!" the genie replied. "And what's your wish genie?" the husband asked. 

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." 

The husband looked at the wife and said "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. Afterwards, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said "How old is your husband anyway?" 

"35." she replied. 

"And he still believes in genies...that's amazing!" 

September 3, 2014 My favorite straight porn star, James Deen.

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. 
The guy says, "Who is this?" 
"This is the maid.", answered the woman. 
"We don't have a maid!" 
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." 
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" 
"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" 
"What do I have to do?" 
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with." 
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. 
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" 
"Throw them in the swimming pool!" 

"What?! There's no pool here?" 

Long pause... "Uh .... is this 832-4821?" 

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. 
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy. 
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby. 
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." 

When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?" 

His wife confessed, "Not this time." 

September 2, 2014 Civil war in Libya, war in the Ukraine, war in Iraq and Syria, ebola in Africa etc, etc, etc. I hope your day is going well.

Somehow this picture makes the approaching autumn seem like a very good thing.

A family is driving in their car on a holiday. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out an takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road. Frog is grateful, thanks the man, and tells him that he will grant him a wish. 

Man says: please make my dog win the next dog race. 

Frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog has only got three legs and tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish. The man says: "Well, then please help that my wife will win the next beauty contest in the area. Frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car. 

Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog. The frog turns to the man and says: "Could I please have another look at the dog???"

September 1, 2014 I hope everyone is having a nice holiday. If you live in the states that is. If you live somewhere else I hope you've had a good Monday.

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. 

In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. 

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." 

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. 

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." 

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. 

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." 

Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t."

August 29, 2014 So is it even possible that a war in Europe could still happen? I guess maybe it is, as strange as that sounds.

From plj.

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

 Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

 Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

 Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get a birdie on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes his birdie.

On the final hole, the golfer needs an eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely", the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

 As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am.  I am Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you, "the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

 

August 28, 2014 I can't believe this actually worked.

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend. 

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? 

Is it........

A-Robin 

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%... 

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million. 

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. 

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. 

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

 

August 27, 2014 I am going to be trasnferring this site from godaddy to freehosting.com. As you probably know, when I try something like this anything can happen so buckle your seat belts.

August 27, 2014 Here in the U.S. summer pretty much officially ends this coming Monday, Labor Day.

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am." 
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days. "Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."

August 26, 2014

You know you're in California when...

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. 

You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house. 

You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. 

Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze. 

You can't remember...is pot illegal? 

You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. 

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian 

You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula. 

You can't remember.....is pot illegal? 

A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. 

A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast. 

Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. 

A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice. 

Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney. 

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. 

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag. 

You can't remember...is pot illegal? 

It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH." 

You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy 

Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class. 

You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers. 

It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. 

Both you AND your dog have therapists. 

You can't remember...... is pot illegal??????? 

 

 

 

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