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- - - BLOG March 2015- - -
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 26, 2015 Is it not a thing that airplanes can takeoff and land without the pilot? And if that's the case why can't they have a thing whereby the planes homebase takes over control if the plane is trying to do something like crash itself, or if it's been taken over by terrorists or the pilots refuse to communicate? Is that not possible?

From Gary

The Elderly Irish Virgin!!!
  
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper 'final' arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the 
undertaker  that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

'BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN'
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.  A few days after the funeral,  as the undertaker-- postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen  He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows: 


'RETURNED  UNOPENED' 

 

March 25, 2015

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers: 

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. 

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well. 

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. 

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. 

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. 

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes. 

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. 

March 24, 2015

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. 

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the jail. 

Lawrence went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." 

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice the Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. 

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's . . . just working away at this pumpkin." 

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 

'A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'" 

March 23, 2015

I would be embarrassed to tell you how many times I've been in this exact postition. Well, actually I wouldn't be embarrassed, but I probably should be.

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of the town's high birth rate. 

The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him for a moment and asked, "Can you give me an idea was to why your town, above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?" 

The waiter thought a moment, then said, "I think I can. You see, every morning at 4:00, the C&A Railroad comes through town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you can guess, it's too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get up." 

March 20, 2015 This is what the USS Liberty looked like after Israel's attack killed 34 sailors and wounded 171 others on June 8th of 1967. And no, I'm not anti-Israel, I'm very pro-Israel, but I'm still pissed about this. Dean Rusk, Admiral Moorer, Adlai Stevenson and the crew believed this attack was deliberate and so do I. They did pay reparations, out of the foreign aid we gave them.

 

March 19, 2015

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. 

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, and much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. 

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. 

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' 

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends." 

March 18, 2015

John and Jill were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." 

John says, "Well, give me some examples." 

Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. 

"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either." 

Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?" 

John proceeds to say, "Well, first before I do anything else........ I lick the lock." 

March 17, 2015

Wise Sayings

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." 
* Tom Clancy 

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." 
* Steve Martin 

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." 
* Woody Allen 

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday .night." 
* Rodney Dangerfield 

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL." 
* Lynn Lavner 

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." 
* Matt Barry 

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." 
* Camille Paglia & Bill Anderson 

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." 
* George Burns 

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." 
* Sharon Stone 

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she's reading." 
* Steve Jobs 

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it., so I said "Thyroid problem?'" 
*Arnold Schwarzenegger 

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." * Tiger Woods 

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." 
* Jack Nicholson 

He never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." 
* Barbara Bush 

"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." 
* Robin Williams 

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." 
* Roseanne 

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." 
* Billy Crystal 

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." 
* Robert De Niro 

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" 
* Dustin Hoffman 

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'" 
* Jerry Seinfeld 

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." 
* Rod Stewart 

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." 
* Robin Williams 

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts 
*Jeff Foxworthy 

 

March 16, 2015 Like his mother doesn't have enough problems already. Woof!

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. 

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.' 

The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.' 

'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly. 

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" 

"Ever since my wife found it in my car." 

(I always wondered how this trend got started.) 

March 13, 2015 With the weekend being upon us I thought a little Fats Waller might be appropriate.

 

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. 

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. 

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love. 

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. 

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. 

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" 

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny ..but I have to get up in the morning and you don't!." 

March 11, 2015 Hmmm, no cocks today, but there is a pussy. Yeah, I know, it's not the same.

From Rock.

An old retired fella named John was celebrating 75 years on 
this earth. He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes.", he said. "How are 
you? You know, you are 75 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember how 
we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon? The times 
we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!" 

"Hello, knees.", he continued. "How are you? You know you're 75 today. 
Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, 
the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees." 

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little Prick. 
Just think. If you were alive today, . . . . . you'd be 75"

 

March 10, 2015

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS 

Smart man + smart woman = romance 

Smart man + dumb woman = affair 

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage 

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy 

OFFICE ARITHMETIC 

Smart boss + smart employee = profit 

Smart boss + dumb employee = production 

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion 

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime 

SHOPPING MATH 

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. 

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. 

GENERAL EQUATIONS 

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. 

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. 

A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 

HAPPINESS 

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. 

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. 

LONGEVITY STATISTICS 

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. 

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE 

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. 

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. 

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE 

A woman has the last word in any argument. 

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED 

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." 

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. 

March 9, 2015

Find out what those dating terms really mean 

ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with a particular person. 

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT ..... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. 

DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. 

BIRTH CONTROL..... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men. 

EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. 

EYE CONTACT..... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. 

FRIEND..... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. 

INDIFFERENCE..... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get". 

INTERESTING..... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. 

IRRITATING HABIT..... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. 

LAW OF RELATIVITY..... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is. 

NYMPHOMANIAC..... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. 

SOBER..... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love. 

March 6, 2015 The next chapter of Protecting David-Chrisopher Grows Up is loaded and you can few it here.

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. 

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, and much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. 

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. 

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' 

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends." 

March 5, 2015 You should be so lucky.

March 3, 2015

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN." 

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE." 

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE." 

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY." 

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION." 

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED." 

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED." 

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED." 

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE." 

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED." 

11 She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR." 

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER." 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY." 

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN." 

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS." 

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION." 

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS." 

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL." 

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION." 

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY." 

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED." 

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED." 

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants-It's "REAR CLEAVAGE." 

March 2, 2015 Went to the dentist today. My teeth are apparently the only part of my carcass functioning as intended.

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. 

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." 

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! " 

"So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!" 

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" 

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress." 

February 27, 2015 If you happen to live near an Aldi's food store bop on in and pick up a bottle of their Sunshine Bay Sauvignon Blanc wine from New Zealand. It's seven or eight bucks a bottle and is one of the best sauvignon blancs I've ever tasted. It's really good and imo easily surpasses something like a Kim Crawford which usually runs fifteen bucks or so.

From Gary.

 Some years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco . Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher. 
Several of the menswent out for lunch at a local cafe.   When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.    How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand?   Clearly  --  this was a job for Mensa minds.
 
The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.
 
They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.
 
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker  "
 
But before they could finish,..........
 
the waitress interrupted.   "Oh  --  sorry about that."   She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
 
There was dead silence at the Mensa table.
 
Reminds one of our government, solutions would be so simple, but the brilliant minds in Washington have to make the situation difficult.

 

February 26, 2015 I love this dog.

 

February 26, 2015

New Drugs For Women

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. 

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. 

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. 

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed ! before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. 

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. 

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. 

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. 

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. 

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. 

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him. 

 

February 25, 2015

Five Rules of Wisdom For Men

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other. 

 

February 24, 2015

A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. 

She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn't know what's available or price. 

The clerk replies "We have Tennis Barbie and she's $28" 

Lady asks "Well, anything else?" 

"We have an equestrian Barbie, and she's $28". 

Lady asks "Anything else?" 

"Well, we have divorced Barbie and she's $250" 

The lady replies "I don't understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive. The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced Barbie?" 

The clerk replied "Simple, she comes with Ken's car, his house, and all his other stuff." 

February 23, 2015

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in. 

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. 

"That's cool," says Bobby. 

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. 

Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." 

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says,"Whaaaat?" 

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" 

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. 

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. 

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening, kids!" 

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: "Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!" 

February 20, 2015

I guess everyone is good at something.

The 5 Questions Most Feared By Men

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?


What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. 

Question #1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." 

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. "Football." b. "Golf." c. "How fat you are." d. "How I would spend the insurance money if you died." 

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!" 

Question #2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "Yes!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." 

Inappropriate responses include: a. "Oh yeah, sh*tloads." b. "Would it make you feel better if I said yes?" c. "That depends on what you mean by love." d. "Does it matter?" e. "Who, me?" 

Question #3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" 

Incorrect answers are: a. "Compared to what?" b. "I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin." c. "A little extra weight looks good on you." d. "I've seen fatter." e. "Sorry, what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died." 

Question #4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" 

Incorrect responses include: a. "Yes, but you have a better personality." b. "Not prettier, but definitely thinner." c. "Not as pretty as you when you were her age." d. "Define pretty." e. "Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died." 

Question #5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat.") 

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines: 

Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not -- don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them -- she's left-handed.
Woman: (silence)
Man: Sh*t. 

 

February 19, 2015

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City.He found a saleslady, and told her, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B." 

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?" 

He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she means." 

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra." 

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?" 

The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright." 

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what does the Jewish bra do?" 

"The Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills." 

February 18, 2015

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Sherry says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone. 

Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." 

Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains. 

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit. 

Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" 

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." 

Obviously, he knows he's not getting lucky that night. 

The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit...except... that he has a black prophylactic over his manhood. 

She looks at him and asks, "What's with the...uh...black prophylactic?" 

He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences." 

February 17, 2015 Unbelievably it's only a month until spring. For that to work out things are gonna need to get better fast.

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

Dear John, 

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter! 

I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. he won't go to counseling and I'm affraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help? 

Sincerely, Sheila 

Dear Sheila, 

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. 

I hope this helps, John

 

 

 

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