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- - - BLOG May 2015- - -
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 22, 2015

From Gary.

Is that Daddy's car in the  woods !








    
   Little  Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the  school playground and go into the  woods.
Curious,  he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane  in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny  found this so exciting that he could hardly  contain himself as he ran home and
started to  tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground  and I sawDaddy's car go into the woods with  AuntJane. I went back to look and he  was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he  helped her take off her shirt. Then AuntJane  helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt  Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off  and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting  story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.  I want to see the look on Daddy's
face when  you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table  that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell  his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at  the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the  woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he  was giving AuntJane a big kiss, then he helped  her take off her shirt Then Aunt Jane  helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that  Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was  away on the oil rigs...'

 Mummy  fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes  you need
shut up and listen to the  whole story before  you interrupt!  

 

May 21, 2015

This reminds me of my first job.

This reminds me of my first job, too.

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?" 

The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one." 

The man says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

May 20, 2015

A gorgeous young woman gets into a taxi one day. 

On the way, the cabby asks her, "Hey baby, would you screw me for 25 dollars?" 

Insulted, the woman asks, "What kind of a girl do you think I am??" 

"Well," the cabby says, "If I was a multi-millionaire, and paid you a million dollars, and had the body of a famous movie star, would you do it with me then?" 

"I guess I would," the woman says. 

"In that case," the cabby says, "Will you screw me for 25 dollars?" 

"What kind of a girl to you think I am??" the woman says again. 

"We've already established that. Now we're just dickering over price."

May 19, 2015


Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next. 

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?" 

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!" 

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?" 

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again. 

"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your Mother?" 

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends." 

"Excellent!!! So, are you and this girl engaged, yet?" 

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"

May 18, 2015

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside. 

The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too. 

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat." 

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people.....

May 15, 2015

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al. 

Joe: "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George." 

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al. 

Al: "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain't George." 

Mortician: "How can you tell?" 

Al: "George had two assholes." 

Mortician: "What? How could he have two assholes?" 

Al: "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"

May 14, 2015

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. 

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes." 

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life. 

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents." 

"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured. 

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents," The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks. 

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. 

Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

May 13, 2015

From Peter and Linda

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. 

By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. 

In court the next week the judge asked the best man what happened. 

"Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs." 

"That must have hurt," said the judge. 

"No kidding," said the best man. "I broke three of my fingers."

 

May 11, 2015

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. 

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes." 

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life. 

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents." 

"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured. 

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents," The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks. 

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. 

Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

May 8, 2015 Okay, I've got a football question, as unbelievable as that sounds even to me. It's about the Boston Patriots and the whole deflated football thing. Did the other team play with a different football? I mean was Tom Brady using a fully inflated football and the other team got a floppy football? And how wouldn't the other team notice that, because they're all professional people, right? I guess you can tell I'm a sports fan.

A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question, What is life? When he came out, he went into the street and met an old colleague, who asked him where in heaven's name he had been all those years. 

"In a closet," he repied. "I wanted to know what life really is." 

"And have you found an answer?" 

"Yes," he replied. "I think it can best be expressed by saying that life is like a bridge." 

"That's all well and good," replied the colleage, "but can you be a little more explicit? Can you tell me how life is like a bridge?" 

"Oh," replied the philosopher after some thought, "maybe you're right; perhaps life is not like a bridge."

May 7, 2015 The next chapter of Protecting David-Christopher Grows Up has been posted here.

There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, paranas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes.

Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing." 

Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, lo and behold, he made it! 

The host walked over to the man and said, "Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?" The man replied, "First, you see that shotgun of yours? give me it, Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me the mother-fucker who pushed me in."

May 6, 2015

From Peter and Linda.

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgae, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.

 The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

 The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie Sandy comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'.

 "The Doctor says: "Aye, well. I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

 Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

 She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!

 Tell me Doc.wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"

 The Doctor says: "Janet m'dear, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

 

May 5, 2015

Two Martians land in the middle of the night in a closed gas station. They get out of their space ship. The Martians go up to a gas pump. One says to the other ," I think these are Earth people". 

"Take me to your leader!" replies the first Martian. No response. 

The second Martian whispers to his partner, "I don't think we should screw with this one". 

The first Martian says "Take me to your leader or we are going to blow you to kingdom come!" 

No response. 

With that, the first Martian takes out his laser gun and zaps the gas pump. It blows up and so does the gas station and the Martians are thrown into the air and land in a tree. 

The second Martian says to the other, "I TOLD YOU, WE SHOULDN"T FUCK WITH A GUY, WHO COULD WRAP HIS DICK AROUND HIS NECK AND STICK IT IN HIS EAR!"

May 4, 2015

From Peter and Linda.

MY DADDY SLEEPS NAKED

"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Ranger.  

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy.

The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"  

Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Ranger what he meant by that.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Ranger and trouble were old friends,...... but he always told her the truth.

"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox.

The last few nights, he done ate six hens.

Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barrelled shot gun and said to my Ma,

"That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''

"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!

"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt!

To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop.

Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop.

As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"

"Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"

 

 

 

May 1, 2015 Hey, hey, the first of May, outdoor screwing starts today. You know, if you're into that stuff.

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. 

The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" 

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?" 

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" 

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

April 30, 2015

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" 

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?" 

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! 

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. 

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" 

The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"

April 29, 2015 A great Della Reese song from when she was still singing jazz.

 

April 29, 2015

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" 
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. 
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." 
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?" 

April 28, 2015

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the salesclerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" 

"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29." 

"I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good. 

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your hairy walnuts for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." 

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." 

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

April 27, 2015

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them. 

To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay. 

Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"

April 24, 2015

From" Morning Sex "


> She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs
> and toast for breakfast, wearing only the tee shirt that she normally
> slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
> softly, “You've got to make love to me this very moment!"


> My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is
> going to be my lucky day!"


> Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my
> all; right there on the kitchen table.


> Afterwards she said,”Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt
> still around her neck.


> Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,"What was that all about?"


> She explained,"The egg timer's broken." Gary.

 

April 23, 2015

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot." 

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted. 

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George. 

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. 

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister." 

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father." 

April 22, 2015

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

April 21, 2015

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. 

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. 

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts..... 

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler." 

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose. 

April 20, 2015

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. 

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" 

"The funeral director," said his wife. 

 

 

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