Little Johnny comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help.
"Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask you sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you have learned."
Little Johnny is puzzled but decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone would give you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
His mother looks around shyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
Little Johnny goes back to his father who asks, "Well, what did you learn?"
Little Johnny says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. POTENTIALLY, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in REALITY, we're living with a couple of whores."
May 26, 2016
A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. Cindy put her hand up and said "Moooo!"
"Very good" replied the teacher,"what sound do sheep make?" "Baaaa" answered Jimmy.
She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"
All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed,
"Up against the wall you son of a bitch!!"
May 25, 2016 Republican are always moaning about regulations and frankly, I'm not all that crazy about them either, but can you imagine the kind of buildings someone like Trump would build without them?
Lil' Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business suit, complete with a pager. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT."
The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a quiet reprimand.
After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide."
At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.
Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence.
Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone.
Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE'S BACKING UP!!!!"
May 24, 2016
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with, "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy."
"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnie said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnnie instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."
May 23, 2016
Little Johnny goes to class one day to find that he has a substitute teacher. As the class gets settled the teacher writes her name on the board and says, "My name is Ms. Prussy, that's P-R-U-S-S-Y." Some of the kids in classs snicker and she says sharply, "That's WITH an R!"
So class goes by and the kids come to school the next day and there is the substitute again. She stands up in front of the class and says, "Okay students, who can remember my name? And don't forget the R!" About five hands go up and Dirty Johnny is one of them. He is jumping up and down trying to get her attention.
The teacher says, "Okay Johnny, what is my name?" To this Johnny replies, "Ms. Crunt, C-R-U-N-T!!"
May 20, 2016
Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they came to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her." A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"
May 19, 2016
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny,Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"I just saw both of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"
May 18, 2016
A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?"
Long pause... "Uh .... is this 832-4821?"
May 16, 2016
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion ... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona
May 13, 2016
You might be a Redneck Jedi if.....
you ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
your Jedi robe is camouflage.
you have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
at least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
you can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
you have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
the worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
wookiees are offended by your B.O.
you have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
you have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
you have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
you have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
you ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
you have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
you have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
you suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood decking.
you were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
if you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle."
May 11, 2016 The next chapter of Christopher Grows Up is up and posted here.
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he ouldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator ..."
May 10, 2016
Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.
Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.
Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and gasped.
"Moe!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this."
"Yeah," Moe said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here."
May 9, 2016
Two guys from Chicago, Illinois die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, 'What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?'
The two guys reply, 'Well, you know, we're from Illinois, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know.'
The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Chicago and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished. 'Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves.'
The two Chicagoans reply, 'Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Chicago, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice.'
The devil is absolutely furious, he decides to turn all the heat in hell off.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail or moan. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Chicagoans. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering.
The devil was dumbfounded. 'I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?'
The Chicagoans look at the devil in surprise. 'Well, don't ya know--if hell freezes over, that must mean one thing...the CUBS won the WORLD SERIES.
May 7, 2016
May 6, 2016 These used to be worn by Roman children and such images adorned Roman homes. The power of the penis.
A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...
The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."
The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"
May 5, 2016 An interesting question to ask ones self is, "Which candidate would Jesus vote for?" My hunch is that it would be Bernie, but I doubt that most Christian would go with that. The thing that I'm pretty sure of is that most Christians don't really trust Jesus. Actually, if Jesus returned to earth Christians would be leading the lynching party.
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
May 4, 2016
There were three friends Chris, John and Keith, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the forest. After a while they realized that they were lost. And before they knew it they were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told them that the only way they could survive from the cannibals was to pass the trial. The frist step of the trial was to go into the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So they thought that was easy enough, and all three friends went their separate ways to gather fruits.
Chris came back first and said to the king. " I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the next part of the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you will be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he screamed out with pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
Then John arrived and shows the king his ten fruits which were berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be a piece of cake. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therfore he was also killed.
After a while Chris and John met in heaven. Then Chris asked John, " Why did you laugh?, you almost got away with it!"
Chris replied, " I know, I couldn't help it. I was doing fine when all of a sudden Keith showed up with all those watermelons!"
May 3, 2016
A woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. One day she found a beautifull lamp lieing in the streets. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a geenie popped out of the lamp! The geenie said that it would grant her 3 wishes & that with every wish her husband it get the same thing only double!
So, the woman thinks of a first wish...
"I want to be rich!!!"
So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich!
So, the woman thinks of a second wish...
"I want to be beautifull!!"
So, the woman became beautifull, and the husband became twice as beautifull.
"Okay", the geenie says. "This is your last wish so be carefull what you wish for!"
The woman thinks real hard and finally comes to a desision.
"I Want You To Scare me HALF To Death!!"
May 2, 2016 Hey, hey, the second of May, outdoor screwing starts today!
Just a typical day at the firehouse.
Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
April 29, 2016
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
April 28, 2016
Top Ten Signs That Your Friendly Police Officer Needs A Vacation
10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
9. He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.
8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6. He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
5. He keeps asking me if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.
2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!
April 27, 2016
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.
The next week he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
April 26, 2016
I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.
So I went up to him and said,
"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!!
So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn.
My car was parked around the corner...
April 22, 2016
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
April 21, 2016
A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during the day while running some errands. When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man who placed his head on her breasts. The husband demanded, "What on earth are you doing?"
To which the stranger nonchalantly replied, "Quiet! I am listening to music!!"
The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, "Let me listen!" and placed his head on his wife's breasts.
He exclaimed in suspicion, "I don't seem to hear any music."
"Of course not," quipped the stranger, "You're not plugged in!"
April 20, 2016
Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.
The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.
Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."
The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people.....
April 19, 2016
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone.
She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six-thirty and not the four-thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer......
April 18, 2016
Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.
Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"
April 15, 2016 Watch to the end, it will make you happy.
April 14, 2016
No Mrs. Frobisher, your son Henry is not playing baseball, at least not in the normal sense of that word.
A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked. The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition. "No!" she said rather sternly.
"Could I have a pint of ale?" "No!" she said again.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?" "No!" By this time, she was fairly shouting.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" "What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "I might have a word with George?"
April 13, 2016
A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
April 12, 2016 What men should look like.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
April 11, 2016
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon."
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toolbooth, offered the security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported.
April 8, 2016
We've all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to hear all the choices the lucky touch-tone dialers receive. Well, think how frustrating that would be if you were calling the.... PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE The telephone rings and an answering machine answers... "Welcome to the psychiatric hotline." If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If you are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press....no one will answer any way.
April 7, 2016
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring,and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...!
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."
April 6, 2016 It's strange when we think about dying because after we're dead all of the stuff that we were made of, all the atoms, are still alive and will continue to be alive pretty much forever. The protons and neutrons will still be huddled tightly together and the electrons will still be whipping around them for all of time. Even if they end up in the sun the worst that will happen is that they'll join with other atoms to makes something else. The only thing that really ends is the process that is us. Just a bunch of random memories. Having said all that, I'm not really dwelling on death, just a thought.
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down......."
April 5, 2016
No Mrs. Hollingsworth your sons did not go camping.
April 4, 2016
No Mrs. Frothhagen your son is not at the dentist.
A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.
"What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
April 1, 2016
A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."
March 30, 2016
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."
March 29, 2016
A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class: "There are two things you need to succeed in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. "Now you must do the same," he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
"Second," the professor continued, "You must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this corpse’s anus, but licked my index finger?"
March 26, 2016 Take one of these and relax.
March 25, 2016 I went back in the hospital. But then I got out again! Yay!!!!
One day God and Adam were walking in the garden. God told Adam it was time to populate the earth.
He told Adam, "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam replied "God, what is a kiss?"
God told Adam and Adam went and took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam came back out with a big smile and said "Wow Lord! That was great!! What next?"
God said, "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Adam says, "Lord what is a caress?" God explained it to Adam and he again took her behind the bush.
A little while later, he came out and said "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What next." God said, "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to take Eve and make love to her."
Adam said "Lord, what is to make love?" God explained and Adam took Eve behind the bush and a few seconds later came out and said "Lord, what is a headache?"
March 24, 2016 I got outta the hospital! Yay!
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, 'this time, I'd rather not have your mother join us.' I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you!
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do?
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with a Black and Decker power tool.
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying 'fabulous,' and still he keeps coming after me!
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's not like ex- President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out!
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.
I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to... stiff! With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket.
March 15, 2016
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of the little old lady. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of her. He took a sip of the drink, and then she took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking. "That poor old couple." As the old man began to eat his french fries, one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table.
He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a thing...she just sat there watching him eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.
This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again. After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered....