My Gay Stories
My Gay Stories
Home News Blog Mysteries Contact Me
User Map Links Stories I Like Stories X-Rated;

 
- - - BLOG May 2017- - -
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 26, 2017

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. 

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." 

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. 

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING 

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." 

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY 

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. 

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" 

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. 

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: 

NUDIST COLONY 

GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS 

May 25, 2017

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. 

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: 

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. 

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co. 

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: 

Dear Sir, 
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part. 

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co. 

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. 

The next week he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads: 

Dear Sir, 
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple. 

May 24, 2017 In case you somehow missed it last year here's a video of John Barrowman in a swimming pool and you get a great shot of his husband huge dick.

 

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. 

On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not. 

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance. 

The world's full of apathy, but I don't care. 

Perspective is in the eye of the beholder. 

Prejudiced people are all alike. 

What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds? 

Evil isn't all bad. 

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity. 

Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness. 

There's no such thing as nonexistence. 

Cooperation can only be reached if we work together. 

As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question. 

He doesn't have much of a reputation or so I've heard. 

I disagree with unanimity. 

I have my doubts about disbelief. 

Avoid alliteration...always. 

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 

One should never generalize. 

Avoid cliches like the plague. 

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 

Profanity sucks. 

I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not. 

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. 

Death to all fanatics! 

An oral contract isn't worth the paper its written on. 

If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure. 

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous! 

I always wanted to be a procrastinator! 

Rehab is for quitters! 

The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are. 

Don't be redundant by repeating yourself. 

Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever? 

My identity lies in not knowing who I am. 

I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life. 

I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid. 

Free advice is worth what you paid for it. 

Entropy just isn't what it used to be. 

I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it. 

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can't. 

Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons. 

Life is full of uncertainties...or I could be wrong about that? 

Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary. 

Always remember you're unique...just like everyone else! 

May 23, 2017

A gentleman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. 

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the gentleman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. 

Two weeks later, the gentleman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" 

The gentleman replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?" 

May 22, 2017

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. 
~George Burns 

Santa Claus has the right idea ... 
Visit people only once a year. 
~Victor Borge 

What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. 
~Mark Twain 

By all means, marry. 
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. 
~Socrates 

I was married by a judge. 
I should have asked for a jury. 
~Groucho Marx 

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. 
Every now and then she stops to breathe. 
~Jimmy Durante 

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. 
~Jilly Cooper 

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. 
~ Zsa Gabor 

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. 
~Alex Levine 

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. 
The world owes you nothing. It was here first. 
~Mark Twain 

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. 
~Spike Milligan 

What's the use of happiness? 
It can't buy you money. 
~Henny Youngman Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. 
~Joe Namath 

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. 
~Herbert Henry Asquith 

I don't feel old. 
I don't feel anything until noon. 
Then it's time for my nap. 
~Bob Hope 

A woman drove me to drink ... 
and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. 
~W.C. Fields 

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. 
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. 
~George Burns 

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. 
~Unknown 

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. 
~Billy Crystal 

May 19, 2017

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." 

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" 

The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." 

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. 

The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." 

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over a bucket and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. 

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting... "Don't flush, don't flush!" 

May 18, 2017

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" 

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. 

"Go get help.", he pleads. 

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." 

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help." 

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" 

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

May 17, 2017

Margaret is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. 

The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black, but he'd see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit. 

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?" 

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied. 

The wife smiled at the man. 

He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads" 

May 16, 2017

While the barber is lathering the man up for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks. 

The barber replies with a solution and pulls a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place the wooden ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and you will have a close shave on that side." 

The man does this, and the barber shaves the right side of his face. 

"Wow," exclaims the man, "that is great!" He puts the ball on the left side of his mouth, and with muffled voice asks, "Wht happons if I akkidentally swawo du bawll?" 

The barber says, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else. 

May 15, 2017 Have you ever known anyone you could bring to an orgasm just by kissing them? Let me know. I've known two people like that but I've never heard of anyone else talking about it. Is it that strange?

A gentleman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. 

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the gentleman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. 

Two weeks later, the gentleman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" 

The gentleman replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?" 

May 12, 2017

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. 

They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. 

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. 

The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." 

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant. 

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager. 

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired. 

"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

May 11, 2017

I think they're trying to hang a picture.

There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, paranas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes. 

Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing." 

Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, lo and behold, he made it! 

The host walked over to the man and said, "Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?" The man replied, "First, you see that shotgun of yours? give me it, Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me the mother-fucker who pushed me in."

May 10, 2017

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. 

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel." 

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents." 

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80." 

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

May 9, 2017

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, "No pets allowed."

The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips."

The Jets keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.

"Wow! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?"

The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."

May 8, 2017

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. 

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel." 

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents." 

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80." 

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

May 5, 2017

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the last hotel manager, "Or just a bed--I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted" 

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." 

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it." 

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived. 

"Never better." John said. 

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" 

"Nope. I shut him up in no time." 

"How'd you manage that?" 

"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful' and he sat up all night watching me."

May 4, 2017

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. 

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it." 

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" 

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" 

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

May 3, 2017

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. 

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel." 

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents." 

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80." 

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

May 2, 2017

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. 

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it." 

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" 

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" 

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

May 1, 2017

A young lady stops by her grandmother's house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother. As they are chatting, her boy friend spies some peanuts on the coffee table. He begins munching on them as they converse. 

After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts. 

"Oh, your welcome young man," she says. "I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them."

April 29, 2017 Looking for a good title for a story? The Property of a Lady

April 28, 2017

A young lady stops by her grandmother's house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother. As they are chatting, her boy friend spies some peanuts on the coffee table. He begins munching on them as they converse. 

After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts. 

"Oh, your welcome young man," she says. "I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them."

April 27, 2017

On this morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby." 

The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?" 

She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me." 

"You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him. 

"You're right sir I think I will report him." 

The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."

April 25, 2017 The fleet's in!!!

 

 

 

April 24, 2017

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them. 

To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay. 

Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"

April 21, 2017

A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" 

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" 

The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time." 

 

 

 

 

 

  previous Blog entries
  Copyright © My Gay Stories 2006  

 

Site Meter