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- - - BLOG September 2016- - -
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

September 30, 2016

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. 

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??" 

"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door. 

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says: 

"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" 

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband. 

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." 

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: 

"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please." 

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" 

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your porch swing."

September 29, 2016 The leaves are beginning to fall. Our front yard is covered.

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. 

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. 

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. 

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" 

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." 

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" 

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" 

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

September 28, 2016

A guy walked into a bar in Alabama and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer. 

The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?" 

The guy said, "I'm from Iowa." 

The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Iowa?" 

The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist." 

The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?" 

The guy said nervously, "I mount animals." 

The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us! "

September 27, 2016

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. 

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." 

"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes." 

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" 

"Certainly sir,"replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money." 

"How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. 

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?" 

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." 

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" 

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

September 26, 2016

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" 

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." 

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. 

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" 

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does

September 23, 2016

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around midnight each night. 

He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued his nightly routine. 

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all. 

The friend listened and said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways." 

The wife thought that this might be a good idea. 

That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. 

His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in. 

Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Merle down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Merle, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?" 

At that, in his inebriated state he replied, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

September 22, 2016

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around midnight each night. 

He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued his nightly routine. 

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all. 

The friend listened and said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways." 

The wife thought that this might be a good idea. 

That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. 

His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in. 

Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Merle down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Merle, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?" 

At that, in his inebriated state he replied, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

September 21, 2016

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. 

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. 

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. 

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!" 

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. 

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

September 20, 2016

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? 

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. 

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. 

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

September 19, 2016

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. 

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen." 

1st Man: "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. 

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." 

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. 

2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' 

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: 

"You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk." 

September 17, 2016 I think I may have fixed this. Maybe.

September 16, 2016

September 15, 2016 Theology is the study of the imaginary friend who scares you more than the others. That's the imaginary friend who would be helping you if he liked you more than he apparently does.

September 15, 2016 Normally when you want to put a photo into a page, like this blog, Dreamweaver will say something to the affect, "The image you're trying to insert into your Blog is outside of your Root directory, would you like me to move it there?" Then when you say yes the program moves the photo to where the program likes to have them. But for some reason Dreamweaver, ever since these current problems has stopped doing that and the photos are just eliminated from the Blog. Anyone familiar with that problem?

For some reason when I save this page and send it to the server it doesn't send the pictures. If anyone out there knows how you fix something like that, lemme know.

September 13, 2016 As you can see I'm doing marvelously well with my web site. I've had a web site for probably ten years and I just looked up the definition of the word "domain". Gives you an idea of my skill level.

I started a Mygaystories Facebook page and when you see it you'll know my ability there is even worse. https://www.facebook.com/Mygaystories-1800610050218153/

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" 
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. 
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." 
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?" 

August 31, 2016

A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm to buy one. He agrees on a per pound price with the farmer and then begins to select a pig. "How about that one?" 

"OK," replies the farmer. The farmer then picks up the pig, puts it`s tail in his mouth, lets it hang from his mouth and then declares, "This one weighs 74 pounds." 

"That`s amazing," the man says, "Are you sure you can tell a pigs` weight by using that method?" 

"Yep, says the farmer, we`ve used this method in our family for generations." To prove his accuracy, the farmer puts the pig on a scale and it weighs exactly 74 pounds. 

"My son can do it, too," boasts the farmer. Sure enough, the farmer's son comes over, puts another pigs` tail in his mouth, lets it hang and then says, "This one weighs 83 pounds." The farmer then confirms his sons` accuracy with the scale. 

"My wife can do it, too," says the farmer. "Son, go get your mother." 

The boy runs off to the house and returns a few minutes later. "Mom can`t come out right now," says the son. "She`s busy weighing the mailman." 

August 30, 2016

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off. 

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away. 

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. 

The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around." 

August 29, 2016

The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day. 

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise. 

They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?" 

The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" 

"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?" 

The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk." 

August 26, 2016 If your beard is gray and you like the scruffy look you look like Gabby Hayes.

From Rock.

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into
a taxi in New York City and lay down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his
eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt
to start the cab.
 
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong
with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked
woman before?"
 
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you
sumsing, lady.  I vasn't staring at you like you
tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."
 
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if
you're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what
are you doing then?"
 
He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am,
I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking
to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping
de money to pay for dis ride?
 
Now, that's a REAL Businessman!

 

August 24, 2016

From Rock.

A little Irishman gets into an elevator, looks
up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down and says:
"7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"

The little Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......The big guy
says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"

The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks
me................ I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch
penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown"

The Irishman says:

"Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said,"Turn Around"!!

 

August 23, 2016

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. 

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: 

"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"


The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. 

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. 

This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?" 

August 22, 2016

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback. 

They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. 

"What happened?" she asks. 

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!" 

August 19, 2016

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?" 

"I'm a cow." 

"Right, right. What do you do?" 

"I make milk for the farmer." 

"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" 

"I'm a chicken." 

"Oh, right. What do you do?" 

"I make eggs for the farmer." 

"Right, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" 

"I am a Stallion," said the stallion. 

"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?" 

"Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you." 

August 18, 2016

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender explains that the bar doesn't have any quackers. 

The next day, the same duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender again explains that the bar doesn't serve quackers. 

Sure enough, the very next day, the duck again walks into the bar and asks for some quackers. The bartender screams at the duck, "If you come in here one more time, I'm going to nail your beak into the wall with a hammer and some nails! " 

A few days pass, and then the duck walks into the bar again.The bartender notices the duck and says, "I'm warning you!" 

The duck replies, "Do you have a hammer?" 

The bartender replies, "No!" 

The duck asks, "Do you have any nails?" 

The bartender replies, "No!" 

The duck grins and asks, "Do you have any quackers?"

 

August 17, 2016 I can't get this song out of my head and now it's your problem.

 

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. 

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. 

The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal." 

"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream." 

August 16, 2016

There once was a snake breeder who had two snakes he was trying to mate. For the life of him, he couldn't get them within two feet of each other. Frustrated, he called up the local zoologist, and explained the situation. She hurried over, picked up the snakes and looked at them. "You know what I would do?" she said. "See that tree over there? Chop it down, chop off a good sized log, split the log in two, and make two tables out of them. Put the tables and the snakes into a cage, and let them go at it." 

Well, the breeder thought that this was insane, but having no other options, he tried it. Sure enough, a few days later he had a whole slew of baby snakes. He called up the zoologist, and asked her how that was possible. She replied, "Well, you see, those snakes were adders. And everybody knows that to get adders to multiply you need log tables."

August 15, 2016

DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping. 

2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all. 

3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!! 

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?) 

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway? 

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it. 

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet? 

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot. 

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous. 

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile. 

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home. 

12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me? 

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back. 

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit. 

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!

 

August 12, 2016

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! 

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. 

The moral of the story is: 

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

August 11, 2016

A bear is sitting in the middle of a forest taking the biggest shit of his life and feeling dam good about it. 

He looks down and sees a rabbit dumping a load right next to him. The bear looks at the rabbit and says, "Hey, uhh Mr. Rabbit, uhh do you have a problem withthe shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit shakes his head no and says, "Nope, never bothers me." 

The bear says, "Good!" takes the rabbit and wipes his ass with him and then tosses him aside.

August 10, 2016 From the first day of August until the last day we lose about an hour and thirteen minutes of daylight. Even now the color of the light at noon has changed pretty dramatically. Autumn is coming.

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9- Iron". 

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked! 

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3-wood." 

The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one. 

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." 

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom - tons of cash come sliding back across the table. 

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." 

He figures, Why not? After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay. With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. 

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

August 9, 2016

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three-toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son. 

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long periods." 

"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom ..." "Yes son?" "Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

August 8, 2016

A rabbit broke out of the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking, for the first time in his life. "Wow," he thought. "This is great." It wasn't long before he came to a hedge. After squeezing under it, he saw a wonderful sight -- lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. 

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" "Yes, come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?", he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." 

This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." 

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We have sex with them. Go and try it." 

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning at this until, completely exhausted, he staggered back over to the guys. 

"That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?", one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time, but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here." 

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

August 7, 2016 Bob and I just bought tickets to see Kim Kardashian starring in The Sound of Music!

August 5, 2016

 

A bear is sitting in the middle of a forest taking the biggest shit of his life and feeling dam good about it. 

He looks down and sees a rabbit dumping a load right next to him. The bear looks at the rabbit and says, "Hey, uhh Mr. Rabbit, uhh do you have a problem withthe shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit shakes his head no and says, "Nope, never bothers me." 

The bear says, "Good!" takes the rabbit and wipes his ass with him and then tosses him aside.

August 4, 2016

A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. 

After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. 

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" 

"Hmmm...." thought the duck's former owner. "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

August 3, 2016

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. 

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you," 

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" 

He hissed at the parrot. 

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you," The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" 

"Moses," replied the bird. The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird 'Moses'?" 

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

August 2, 2016

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished patrons and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. 

In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The 'gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. 

The 'gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' 

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up. 

'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.'

August 1, 2016 Happy first of August. September and the end of the world is just a month away.

A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. 

After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. 

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" 

"Hmmm...." thought the duck's former owner. "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

 

July 28, 2016

Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer. When all of a sudden, a giant bear jumps out and scares the shit out of them. They drop their guns and run like hell. 

One of the hunters stopped, opened up his backpack and laced up a pair of tennis shoes. His buddy looked at him and said, "What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't outrun the bear!" 

To this the hunter said, "I know, all I have to do is outrun you!"

July 27, 2016

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. 

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you," 

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" 

He hissed at the parrot. 

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you," The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" 

"Moses," replied the bird. The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird 'Moses'?" 

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

July 26, 2016

A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!


 

July 25, 2016

A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. 

After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. 

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" 

"Hmmm...." thought the duck's former owner. "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

July 22, 2016

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. 

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you," 

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" 

He hissed at the parrot. 

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you," The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" 

"Moses," replied the bird. The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird 'Moses'?" 

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

 

 

 

 

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