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- - - BLOG February 2015- - -
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 2, 2015 Went to the dentist today. My teeth are apparently the only part of my carcass functioning as intended.

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. 

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." 

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! " 

"So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!" 

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" 

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress." 

February 27, 2015 If you happen to live near an Aldi's food store bop on in and pick up a bottle of their Sunshine Bay Sauvignon Blanc wine from New Zealand. It's seven or eight bucks a bottle and is one of the best sauvignon blancs I've ever tasted. It's really good and imo easily surpasses something like a Kim Crawford which usually runs fifteen bucks or so.

From Gary.

 Some years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco . Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher. 
Several of the menswent out for lunch at a local cafe.   When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.    How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand?   Clearly  --  this was a job for Mensa minds.
 
The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.
 
They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.
 
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker  "
 
But before they could finish,..........
 
the waitress interrupted.   "Oh  --  sorry about that."   She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
 
There was dead silence at the Mensa table.
 
Reminds one of our government, solutions would be so simple, but the brilliant minds in Washington have to make the situation difficult.

 

February 26, 2015 I love this dog.

 

February 26, 2015

New Drugs For Women

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. 

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. 

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. 

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed ! before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. 

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. 

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. 

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. 

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. 

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. 

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him. 

 

February 25, 2015

Five Rules of Wisdom For Men

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other. 

 

February 24, 2015

A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. 

She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn't know what's available or price. 

The clerk replies "We have Tennis Barbie and she's $28" 

Lady asks "Well, anything else?" 

"We have an equestrian Barbie, and she's $28". 

Lady asks "Anything else?" 

"Well, we have divorced Barbie and she's $250" 

The lady replies "I don't understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive. The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced Barbie?" 

The clerk replied "Simple, she comes with Ken's car, his house, and all his other stuff." 

February 23, 2015

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in. 

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. 

"That's cool," says Bobby. 

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. 

Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." 

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says,"Whaaaat?" 

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" 

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. 

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. 

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening, kids!" 

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: "Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!" 

February 20, 2015

I guess everyone is good at something.

The 5 Questions Most Feared By Men

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?


What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. 

Question #1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." 

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. "Football." b. "Golf." c. "How fat you are." d. "How I would spend the insurance money if you died." 

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!" 

Question #2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "Yes!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." 

Inappropriate responses include: a. "Oh yeah, sh*tloads." b. "Would it make you feel better if I said yes?" c. "That depends on what you mean by love." d. "Does it matter?" e. "Who, me?" 

Question #3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" 

Incorrect answers are: a. "Compared to what?" b. "I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin." c. "A little extra weight looks good on you." d. "I've seen fatter." e. "Sorry, what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died." 

Question #4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" 

Incorrect responses include: a. "Yes, but you have a better personality." b. "Not prettier, but definitely thinner." c. "Not as pretty as you when you were her age." d. "Define pretty." e. "Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died." 

Question #5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat.") 

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines: 

Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not -- don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them -- she's left-handed.
Woman: (silence)
Man: Sh*t. 

 

February 19, 2015

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City.He found a saleslady, and told her, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B." 

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?" 

He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she means." 

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra." 

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?" 

The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright." 

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what does the Jewish bra do?" 

"The Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills." 

February 18, 2015

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Sherry says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone. 

Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." 

Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains. 

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit. 

Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" 

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." 

Obviously, he knows he's not getting lucky that night. 

The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit...except... that he has a black prophylactic over his manhood. 

She looks at him and asks, "What's with the...uh...black prophylactic?" 

He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences." 

February 17, 2015 Unbelievably it's only a month until spring. For that to work out things are gonna need to get better fast.

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

Dear John, 

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter! 

I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. he won't go to counseling and I'm affraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help? 

Sincerely, Sheila 

Dear Sheila, 

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. 

I hope this helps, John

 

February 16, 2015 Spent the morning in the ER, but as I thought afterwards, whenever they let you out and you can drive home it's been a successful day.

What a Woman Really Wants

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death. 

The question? . . . What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. 

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with every one, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. 

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. 

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. 

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. 

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! 

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. 

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice, compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. 

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: 

What a woman really wants, she answered . . . is to be in charge of her own life. 

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. 

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. 

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened 

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self only half-the-time and the beautiful maiden the other half. 

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day . . . or night? 

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? 

What would YOU do? 

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT . . . make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY? 

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. 

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. 

Now . . . what is the moral to this story? 

The moral is . . . 

If you don't let a woman have her own way . . . 

Things are going to get ugly! 

 

February 13, 2015 Too subtle?

"Hey, I said rub it on my back! Well, okay maybe."

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." 

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. 

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?" 

"Yes, I do." said Bob 

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" 

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did." 

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" 

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?" 

"She just died and left me everything." 

February 12, 2015

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do. 

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms. 

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms. 

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. 

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry. . but, if it makes you sick . . why do you keep doing it?" 

February 11, 2015 A wonderful singer with absolutely amazing backup.

 

February 11, 2015

One night, this guy is invited out for a night with the guys. He promised his live-in girlfriend that he would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down smooth, and before he knew it, it was 2:30 a.m. Drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. 

Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. 

Quickly, he realized that she'd probably wake up, so he was quite proud of himself when he thought to cuckoo nine more times. Even in his drunken haze, he fell asleep smiling about how he had escaped a possible conflict. 

The next morning, his girlfriend asked him what time he got in, and he replied, "Twelve." She didn't seem disturbed at all, which made the guy feel even better. 

She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. 

"Why is that?" he asked. 

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, said "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted." 

February 10, 2015 Somehow I screwed up my back yesterday. But I don't really know how, I just did the normal Monday things, but when I got home I had pain running down my legs. I think I need a new desk chair, something ergonomic. And maybe some Tylenol 3.

Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend is Going to Dump You...

10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit. 

9. She's been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don't recall proposing to her. 

8. She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week. 

7. She says she has to tell you something... on Jerry Springer. 

6. Her love letters come soaked in formaldehyde rather than perfume. 

5. Whenever she introduces you it's always "I would like you to meet an old friend of mine..." 

4. She leaves a message on your phone and identifies herself by both her first and last names. 

3. Your other girlfriend told you so. 

2. The dartboard behind your photo on her wall. 

1. Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, "You haven't got a clue, do you?" 

 

February 9, 2015 The first chapter of the next book of the Protecting David series has been posted and you can view it, here.

Men's Rules

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 

3. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 

4. Crying is blackmail. 

5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! 

6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 

7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 

8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 

9. If you think you're fat, you probably are. 

10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 

11. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 

12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.. 

13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 

14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 

15. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 

16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.. 

17. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 

18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine . . . . Really. 

19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or tanks. 

20. You have enough clothes. 

21. You have too many shoes. 

22.Every dish can be improved with bacon. 

23.Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom "the little boys room." 

24.Women who sound sexy on the phone weigh 350 pounds. 

25.No talking at the urinal. 

26.A man may own exactly one pair of holiday-themed boxers. 

27.Never date a woman whose father calls her "princess." 

28.A PBS tote bag does not make you an intellectual. 

29.The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person. 

30.Real men don't dance. 

 

February 6, 2015

Tool Glossary

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying. 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW! 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. 

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. 

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women. 

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. 

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. 

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. 

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or1/2 inch socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes. 

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. 

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. 

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires. 

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work. 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. 

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. 

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool. 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. 

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures. Also used as replacement for screwdriver. 

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. 

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. 

 

February 5, 2015

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and said, 

"I want the men to make two lines. 

One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines. 

The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man. 

God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! 

Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" 

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here." 

February 4, 2015

From Gary.

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activitylevel, and so he described a typical day this way: 
 
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eightbeers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and downseveral rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four leaks behind big trees." 
 
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!" 
 
"No," he replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."



 

February 3, 2015

Advice from Men to Women

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' 

If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it. 

Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one. 

Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials. 

Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment. 

Please don't drive when you're not driving. 

Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline. 

The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference! 

When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine. It does not mean that is your chance to complain about the taste of the water and the salsa. 

What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view. 

When I ask, 'How many guys have you slept with?' It would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly. 

When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'Oh, this is our exit, Honey' is not really necessary. 

When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself. 

The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it. 

SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister. 

Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear? 

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? 

You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about. 

It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together! 

 

February 2, 2015 Why don't I drink, you know, even more than I do? Bad, bad, storm, lots of snow, and the snow blower broke in the middle of it.

Just sittin in the bathtub playing with my, ah...rubber ducky.

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. 

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road. 

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times. 

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup. 

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. 

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. 

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month. 

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?" 

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. 

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman.... 

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN 

 

January 30, 2015

HER DIARY 

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing.". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. 

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." 

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV.&n bsp; He seemed distant and absent. 

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later, he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. 


HIS DIARY 

Iowa lost today, but at least I got laid. 

January 29, 2015

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do. 

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms. 

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms. 

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. 

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry. . but, if it makes you sick . . why do you keep doing it?" 

January 28, 2015

Top Ten Reasons Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy. 

6. Person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else. 

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months. 

4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky. 

3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning. 

2. Less guilt the next morning. 

and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex... 

1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT,YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!

 

January 27, 2015 Three more days and we'll see the end of this godawful month.

Who Says Men Arn't Sensitive

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. 

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side! 

She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?" 

The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf." 

 

January 26, 2015 My computer decided it was going to do away with the January blog, so I thought I'd get a jump on February. And yes, this is the December blog. I had to use something.

Female Comebacks

Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." 

Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" 
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." 

Man "Is this seat empty?" 
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down." 

Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?" 
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" 

Man "Your place or mine?" 
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." 

Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" 
Woman "It's in the phone book." 

Man "But I don't know your name." 
Woman "That's in the phone book too." 

Man "So what do you do for a living?" 
Woman "I'm a female impersonator." 

Man "What sign were you born under?" 
Woman "No Parking." 

Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" 
Woman "Do not Enter" 

Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" 
Woman "Unfertilized" 

Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason" 
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" 

Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." 
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?" 

Man "I know how to please a woman." 
Woman "Then please leave me alone." 

Man "I want to give myself to you." 
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts." 

Man "I can tell that you want me." 
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave." 

Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy 
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing." 

Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?" 
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.." 

Man "Your body is like a temple." 
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today." 

Man "I'd go through anything for you." 
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account." 

Man "I would go to the end of the world for you." 
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?" 

 

December 31, 2014 Happy New Year's Eve!

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however." 

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?" 

"Well, you have no nipples." 

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," She replied. 

"That is amazing," said the doctor."I'd like to write this up for The Montana Journal of Medicine if you don't mind. 

She said, "OK." 

"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?" 

She answered, "Approximately 500." 

"And what is the name of your tribe?" Asked the doctor. 

Running Doe replied, "We're called 

(You know me, I hate to do this to you) 

"The Indiannippleless Five Hundred" 

December 30, 2014

 

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. ‘Do you think you could give me some tips?’ he asked. 

The old man looked him up and down and said, ‘Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.’‘ 

Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man. 

‘Sure will,’ replied the old-timer. 

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. ‘That’s terrific!’ said the hot shot.. ‘Got any more tips for me?’ 

‘Yep,’ said the old man. ‘Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw’ 

‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man. 

‘You bet it will, ‘ said the old-timer.The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. ‘Wow!’ exclaimed the cowboy ‘I’m learnin’ somethin’ here. Got any more tips?’ 

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner. ‘See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.’The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. ‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all. 

’‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man. 

‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he’s gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt near as much. 

 

December 29, 2014

A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk - can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says:

"Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!"

"No, no," says the bartender. "You've had too much already."

The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar.

"Tell you what," he says. "If I can throw three bull's eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?"

"Sure," says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. "Look out, everybody!"

Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull's eyes.

Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it.

"What's this," says the drunk.

"That's a prize for such fine dart throwing," says the bartender.

The drunk drinks his martini, picks up the turtle, puts it in his coat pocket, and leaves.

Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the same bar. Again, he is hopelessly inebriated; totally faced.

"Bartender," he says. "Gimme a martini!"

"No, no," says the bartender. "You're too drunk already. Go home."

Again the drunk notices the darts.

"If I can throw three bull's eyes would you gimme the martini?" he asks.

The bartender thinks, "This guy can't be that lucky again. I'll get rid of him."

"Sure, sure," he says, handing the darts over.

Bip, bip, bip. Three bull's eyes.

"Holy cow," says the bartender, and he gives the drunk guy a martini. Again, he sets a turtle next to it.

"What's this?" asks the drunk.

"That's a prize for being such a good shot."

"Oh," says the drunk, and he quaffs his martini, puts the turtle in his coat pocket, and leaves.

Believe it or not, the very next night the same drunk enters the same bar.

"Gimme a martini!" he demands.

"No, no," says the bartender. "You've been overserved already. Get on home."

Spying the dart board once more, the drunk guy says:"Would tossing three bull's eyes prove that I'm not overserved?"

The bartender can't believe that anybody this drunk could possibly hit the dart board, let alone get three bull's eyes.

"OK," he says, forking over the three darts.

The drunk deftly grabs all three darts and tosses them simultaneously.

Thwock! All three darts land solidly in the bull's eye!

"Unbelievable!" says the incredulous bartender. True to his word, he prepares a martini and sets it before the drunk guy. He then lays a beautiful long-stem rose on the bar next to the cocktail.

"What's this?" asks the drunk.

"That's a special prize for being so good at darts," says the bartender.

"Oh," says the drunk. "All out of roast beef on a hard roll, huh?"


 

December 26, 2014 So, you survived. The worst part of the holidays is over and if you can just make it through New Years you're home free. And the days are getting longer, which is a plus. Of course the worst of winter is still ahead, but with all that fat you packed on over the last month you'll get through it just fine, and before you know it spring'll be here.

Hey, there's lots of ways to entertain yourself until spring gets here. Like this.

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there. 

"Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog." The farmer replied, "Well, you know, dogs don't talk." The ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?" 

The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog. "Hi there, Mr. dog," said the ventriloquist. "How does the farmer treat you?" To which the dog replied, "Oh, he's great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!" Needless to say, the farmer was dumbfounded. 

Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could speak with the farmer's horse. "Well, you know, horses don't talk." Again the ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a horse might tell you." 

So the farmer brought out his horse. "Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?" asked the ventriloquist. The horse then replied, "Oh, I think he's great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!" Again the farmer was amazed. 

Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, "Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?" 

"Well," declared the farmer, "Sheep lie, ya' know."

December 24, 2014 I hope everyone has the holiday they're hoping for and while I'm not a huge Christmas music fan you couldn't do much better than this.

 

But if that's not your thing, perhaps this is.

Or maybe this.

And then there's this.

December 23, 2014 Happy Christmas Eve, Eve.

Subject: Story with a Moral Story with a Moral In 1923, Who Was: 

1. President of the largest steel company? 

2. President of the largest gas company? 

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? 

4. Greatest wheat speculator? 

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 

6. Great Bear of Wall Street? 

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days. Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them. 

The Answers: 

1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper. 

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane. 

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. 

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless. 

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself. 

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide. 

However: in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him? 

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death. 

The Moral: 

Screw work. 

Play golf. 

December 22, 2014

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you." 

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" 

"Really? Great! Show me!" 

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. 

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will NOT have our employees womanizing all over the country!" 

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" 

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" 

"Oh," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?" 

December 19, 2014

Best Excuses for Not Going to Work

1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today."
2.) "When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it."
3.) "I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) for the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up New York Times. Accordingly, I will now be in late, or early."
4.) "I have to go in for a blood transfusion... My stigmata's acting up again."
5.) "I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
6.) "I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet, so if you really want me to come in..."
7.) "I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant."
8.) "Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling."
9.) "I accidentally converted my calendar from Julian to Gregorian and lost today."
10.) "I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
11.) "The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled."
12.) "The dog ate my car keys and we have to hitchhike to the vet."
13.) "Today I am compelled to remain an enigma."
14.) "My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it."
15.) "I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
16.) "Constipation has made me a walking time bomb and I have to keep my back to an open window.

 

December 18, 2014

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. 

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught he old secrets. 

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. 

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. 

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" 

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. 

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. 

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" 

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." 

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. 

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" 

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." 

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. 

The weatherman replied, "We're sure it's going to be cold because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!" 

December 17, 2014

What's Your Workplace Zodiac Sign ?

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. 

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth. 

ENGINEERING: It is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"... 

ACCOUNTING: You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. 

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter! 

DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Manager." 

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss. 

 

December 16, 2014

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel. 

Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds. 

That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease. 

As a joke, the organizers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast. 

Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But the organizers decided to let the city boy have a try. 

Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds but he stayed on for 20 seconds, then 30, then a minute! A few minutes more and Blue Steel was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around the ring like a birthday party pony. 

Everyone was astonished. 

"Considering you've never even sat on a horse before," said Tommy's friends, "how on earth did you manage that?" 

"Easy," said Tommy, "my wife's an epileptic." 

December 15, 2014

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" 

The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." 

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?" 

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" 

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it." 

December 12, 2014

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!" 

Silence. 

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" 

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" 

December 11, 2014

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze. 

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. 

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. 

The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." 

"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs." 

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

December 10, 2014

Harry answers the telephone, & it's an Emergency Room doctor. 

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, & I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms & both legs, & will need help eating & going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." 

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?" 

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead." 

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." 

"This one's kind of strange..." 

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied. 

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies." 

"I see." 

"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl." 

"Uh-huh" 

"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!" 

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about." 

"You're simply going through the change 

December 9, 2014

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.


 

December 8, 2014

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."



December 7, 2014

 

 

 

December 5, 2014

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" 

The first blonde answers " That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye" 

The policeman says "Well...Uh.. that's because the picture shows his profile" Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" 

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says "Ha! He'd be easy to catch because he only has one ear!" 

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He adds quickly "....think hard before giving a stupid answer" 

The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says "HMMMM... the suspect is wearing contact lenses." 

The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that" He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. 

"WoW! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" 

"That's easy" the blonde replied. "He can't wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!" 

December 4, 2014

It was spring in the old west. 

The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. 

As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. 

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want." 

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding." 

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." 

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. 

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. 

He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted... 

"Oh My God... I was riding the MARE! 

December 3, 2014

If you were ever totally confused by all the heavy symbolism in the reading you had to do at school, you'll love this! 

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. 

The black curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society." 

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about." 

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. 

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The only difference is that the guy in the middle went home for lunch." 

December 1, 2014 Happy Birthday to Me. Don't ask, it's all too depressing.

Golf and Public Restroom Similarities

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

9. Form a loose grip.

8. Keep your head down.

7. Avoid a quick backswing.

6. Stay out of the water.

5. Try not to hit anybody.

4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.

3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.

2. Be quiet while others are about to go.

1. Keep strokes to a minimum.


A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says "I was taught to be thorough." The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says "I was taught to be environmentally friendly." The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says "I was taught not to piss on my hands."


 

November 27, 2014

There were three friends Chris, John and Keith, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the forest. After a while they realized that they were lost. And before they knew it they were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told them that the only way they could survive from the cannibals was to pass the trial. The frist step of the trial was to go into the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So they thought that was easy enough, and all three friends went their separate ways to gather fruits. 

Chris came back first and said to the king. " I brought ten apples." 

The king then explained the next part of the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you will be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he screamed out with pain, so he was killed and went to heaven. 

Then John arrived and shows the king his ten fruits which were berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be a piece of cake. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therfore he was also killed. 

After a while Chris and John met in heaven. Then Chris asked John, " Why did you laugh?, you almost got away with it!" 

Chris replied, " I know, I couldn't help it. I was doing fine when all of a sudden Keith showed up with all those watermelons!" 

November 26, 2014 I hope everyone has a nice Thanksgiving tomorrow.

Q: What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey trot
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Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
A: Plymouth Rock
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Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? 
A: The turkey because he's already stuffed!
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Q: Why did the turkey play the drums in his band? 
A: Because he already had drum sticks! 
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Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? 
A: The turkey because he's already stuffed! 
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Q: Why did the turkey play the drums in his band? 
A: Because he already had drum sticks! 
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Q: What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? 
A: Fangs-giving.
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Q: Why do pilgrims pants keep falling down?
A: Because their belt buckles are on their hats! 
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Q: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
A: I'll let you know next week.
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Q: Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
A: The outside. 

Q: Why can't you take a turkey to church?
A: Because they use such fowl language.

November 25, 2014


A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. 

"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy" 

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." 

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. 

Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree. 

The Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

November 24, 2014

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck: 

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 
2 French men and 1 French woman 
2 German men and 1 German woman 
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 
2 English men and 1 English woman 
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman 
2 American men and 1 American woman 
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman 

One month later on these same absolutely, stunningly beautiful desert (and deserted)Islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: 

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois 

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman. 

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. 

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. 

The 2 Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming... 

The 2 Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. 

The 2 Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant, and a laundromat. And have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for the store. 

The 2 American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palmtrees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and at least the taxes are low, and it isn't raining.... 

The 2 Irish men have divided the Island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they are satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun. 

November 21, 2014

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. 
She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. 
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. 
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another. 

Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." 

She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?" 

The voice replied, "No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager...."

November 20, 2014

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. 

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you." 

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?" 

The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise." 

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?" 

The brother replied, "Denephew."

November 19, 2014

There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They went to see a counsellor, and he decided that they had good problem solving skills. 

He tried a test to narrow the area of specialty. He put each man in a room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table. He said "Boil the water". Both men moved the pot from the table to the stove and turned on the burner to boil the water. 

Next, he put them into a room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the floor. Again, he said "Boil the water". The first man put the pot on the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be an Engineer, because he could solve each problem individually. The second man moved the pot from the floor to the table, and then moved the pot from the table to the stove and turned on the burner. 

The counsellor told him to be a mathematician because he reduced the problem to a previously solved problem.

 

 

 

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