THE SOUTHERN TEN COMMANDMENTS
This is much easier to remember !!!
Ten Commandments
Some people have trouble with all those 'shall's' and 'shall not's'
in the Ten Commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in
those terms. So, in middle Tennessee they translated the
'King James' into ' Jackson County ' language....no joke
(posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro , TN ).
(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) Don't take what ain't yers
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's plain an' simple.
Y'all have a nice day now, ya hear!
And bless your little heart....
The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out themoney, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'.
The man replied, ' Ontario '.
'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'
'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that 3 things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
From David.
September 29, 2009 From trueguy.
THE BOTTLE OF WINE
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade.....'
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (wait until you see the last one)
DORMITORY When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT When you rearrange the letters: I M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!
September 29, 2009 It was really cold here last night, down around 47 degrees F or 8.33 Celsius with a fairly strong wind. Anyway, it feels colder than crap.
September 28, 2009 It was very stormy here last night. Lots of thunder and lightening and very heavy rain. This morning the weather has turned cold and windy. The leaves are dropping and falling onto cold wet grass.
From John.
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.&nb sp;
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
And then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
Another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
The waiter "Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says .. ! ;
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
Leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day.
From Rock. Exercise for people over 40.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface,
where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend
your arms straight out from your sides & hold
them there as long as you can. Try to reach
a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this
position for just a bit longer. After a couple
of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then
try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try
to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato
bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for
more than a full minute (I'm at this level).
After you feel confident at that level, put a
potato in each bag.
September 27, 2009 I know, it's a hideous couch. Believe me, I didn't pick it out. The cats are cute though and I did pick them out.
September 26, 2009 From John.
United Airlines Agent at Gate 14 in the Denver Airport
It happened at the Denver Airport . This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denverfor being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo, or all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth, and said, " F *** You!". Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
September 26, 2009 From Rock.
September 25, 2009 This is funny.
September 24, 2009 From a different John.
Japanese Hotel Service
A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan ....
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, $20.00'..
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let
out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit......which now had a button sewn neatly on the end..
September 24, 2009 From John.
The World's Shortest Books
NEGROS I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING
By Tiger Woods
______________________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton
________________________________
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
___________________________________
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
By Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
_________________________________
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
___________________________________
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
By Dr. J.. Kevorkian
__________________________________
ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE ......
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
____________________________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
__________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
By Ted Kennedy
___________________________________
MY LITTLE BOOK OF MORALS
By Bill Clinton with introduction
By the Rev. Jesse Jackson
*******************************************************
Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By Nancy Pelosi
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND, JUST ADDED:
HOW TO LIVE THE HUMBLE LIFE BY: Kanye West
September 24, 2009 I loved Gielgud and this was a favorite reading. It's easy to forget when looking at him in old age how attractive he was in his youth and almost impossible to understand how much of a presence he was in the English theater. A long time ago I came across I pile of books that someone was throwing out and one of them was the story of his life. He was more than just an actor.
If you shave off his facial hair he looks exactly like my doctor.
This is funny. I think that Ustinov was married to Angela Lansbury's sister. It seems to me that there aren't many American actors that can compete with the Brits. Excluding Brando, of course. American actors seem to be more focused on being stars than good actors. Duvall might also be an exception.
September 22, 2009 It's been raining here all day and the leaves are beginning to fall. It's a little depressing. I put reflectors in next to the driveway so that when the snow is three feet high we'll still know where the drive is. This is definitely depressing.
September 22, 2009 From John.
When is that teacher ever going to learn!
Little Johnny does it again!
A teacher in New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans… Not really knowing what an Obama fan was, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he decided to be Different... again.
Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'
The teacher said, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'
Johnny said, 'Because I'm a conservative.'
The teacher asked why he's a conservative. Little Johnny answered, 'Well, My Mom's
a conservative and my Dad's a conservative, so I'm a conservative.'
The teacher asks, 'If your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.'
I always liked Little Johnny.
JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it..
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving..
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
;
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
blonde baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with.... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time ." -
A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.....
_._,_.___
September 21, 2009 As always...follow the money.
Remember how good this was?
September 20, 2009 From Rock.
Does Christianity really need Jesus or is he just a pain in the ass who was more interested in talking to poor people than to the folks who really mattered?
September 20, 2009 From John.
The woman applying for a job in a Floridalemon grove seemed to be far too
qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any
actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied. "I've been divorced three
times and I voted for Obama."
September 19, 2009 The late great Miss Peggy Lee. She was sixty-five at the time. I used to work for a guy that had everything she ever recorded and went to see her live any time that she appeared in Chicago, which she seemed to do a lot. She was very good but many of these guys went on too long.
September 19, 2009 Pics of Tater and his new boytoy Leo.
September 19, 2009 This is not new but it is scary.
September 19, 2009 From John.
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.
It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"
Little boy: "What the **** do you think?"
September 17, 2009 I have never worn women's clothing, not ever. And frankly I'm not sure that I understand people who do and I've known a lot of them. I mean really, I use to get calls at three in the morning from a guy in black lace bra and panties screaming for me to come and fuck him. Strangely, there is something kind of hot about fucking a guy in women's underwear but that's another story. But having said all that, if I ever did find myself in the position of needing to wear women's clothing, the dress that Ginger is wearing would be the one.
September 17, 2009 From John.
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses
her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed you're a neck. If he wants sex,
don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay; he thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.
September 17, 2009 From Rock.
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player.
'Wow!' Exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' Said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt near as much.
September 16, 2009 From John. This is probably not any good as opera but there is dick and that makes up for a lot.
September 15, 2009 Chicago and Milwaukee sit on the banks of one of the largest bodies of fresh water on the planet. Lake Michigan is 307 miles long and 118 miles wide. So you'd think that there would be fish in it right? Well, there are fish in it but apparently not enough to have a fishing industry. Years ago, many many years ago, the lake had a lot of whitefish in it but apparently they are long gone. I wonder why they don't stock it or do something to encourage a fishing industry? I mean you'd think that you could go down to the docks and buy fresh fish...wouldn't you?
September 15, 2009 Remember Nancy Pelosi saying that any healthcare bill that passed the house would have a strong public option? Apparently she was holding out for a better price...which I guess she got.
September 14, 2009 Today was a BB day. It was also a very busy trading day so the BB fuck was a fast one. After about ten minutes I put a trick-or-treat Hershey bar in his pocket and shoved him out the door. That's not a bad deal when you think about it. A fast fuck and a Hershey bar.
When we lived at the apartment we never got any trick-or-treaters on Halloween. That was probably because everyone who lived around us was an Arab. Maybe the little kids had a clue but the parents probably thought that Halloween was the work of the devil. But here were going to get trick-or-treaters, probably a lot, so I started laying in supplies of candy.
September 14, 2009 From Rock.
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth. Stones in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood. Lead in the Feet..
Iron in the Arteries.
And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
We never thought we'd accumulate such wealth.
September 14, 2009 From John.
A good clean joke
Two Trees and a Woodpecker
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it,
But here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A
Small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,
'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot
Tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell
If that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
Neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
Piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into..
This was from both John and Rock.
The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name sailor?"
"John," the new seaman replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye, Aye Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay, John, here's what I want you to do ...."
September 13, 2009 You know, as badly as the administration has screwed up our chance of getting healthcare reform you really have to wonder if they ever wanted to do it in the first place.
And that thought led me to thinking about all the things that they have done for us liberals. And thinking, and thinking, and thinking. I mean I'm sure that there must be something. Hmmm. We're still at war in the middle east. No help for gay people. So that leaves....what?
September 12, 2009 Do you live in France or have you vacationed there? Ever drive over the Millau Bridge? If you have drop me a line and let me know what it was like. It's gotta be scary. I'm afraid of heights, not as much as I'm afraid of mice but still...lots. I guess the worst thing would be to out on the middle of the bridge and have a mouse attack me. Travel can be dangerous.
September 12, 2009 From John.
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
WHEN YOU'RE OLD
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thoug ht you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
WHEN YOU'RE OLD
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thoug ht you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
September 11, 2009 From Laurie.
Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting new program. I will explain it using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending
your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala .
* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos..
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .) I'm going to go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that I met at a yard sale and we're going to drink beer all day!
September 11, 2009 It's been hot and dry here lately, typical September weather. I've been waiting for it to turn cold because I've got a lot of cold weather meals planned. I saved the bone from a ham and want to make split pea soup with ham. I also have three pounds of stew meat frozen for a slow cooked beef stew. And I've got a five or six pound pork shoulder frozen for a great pork roast that needs to cook for about five hours. On a related subject I see that the stores all have pumpkins in them. Sam's Club has enormous pumpkins for $8.88. I'd buy one but they probably wouldn't last till the end of October.
My Cuisinart blender froze solid while I was making mustard and---amazingly---they're sending me a new blade thingy, for free. I was all set to just pitch the whole thing and only called them to bitch them out about it but they surprised me. So that's a good thing.
Bob keeps telling me about this new guy at the gym who he claims has an enormous dick and since that's something that he's normally not wrong about I was anticipating getting a look. But I saw the guy coming out of the shower this morning and it didn't look all that unusual. But the thing with penis' is that you just never know. They kinda have a life of their own and a dick that looks normal one day can look huge the next. So I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt.
September 10, 2009 I took my car to the dealer today to have the oil changed and everything checked. They didn't say anthing about brakes so I guess they're okay. That's a break...so to speak. Oh, and they washed it too, for free.
Then later BB came by so that was good too. It's odd, I don't smoke and I don't want people smoking around me but I find the cigarette taste on BB's breath to be a kind of turn on. He was talking about hunting season but I was vegging out. Anyway, I guess he's getting ready to kill things. Don't you love the way that hunters pretty much imply that the animals really approve of being killed? And that they'd probably even help load the guns if they just had thumbs. Speaking of which, shotgun shells are on sale at Gander Mountain. http://www.gandermountain.com/
September 9, 2009 I think my car needs a new master brake cylinder. That'll be expensive. God I hate cars!
I bought some brown mustard seeds today and am going to try to make my own mustard. If this is something you've done and have any tips, lemme know. I've been soaking them in a blend of white wine and vinegar but I'm not sure what's next. I guess that you must grind them up.
September 9, 2009 From Rock.
Doctors’ Opinions of Universal Health Care
When a panel of doctors was asked their opinion, here’s what they had to say:
=0 A
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the
Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalm ologists considered the idea short-sighted.
The Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Pediatricians said, “Oh, Grow up!”
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.
The Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons decided the20plan just didn’t cut it.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.”
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, and the Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a
gas, but the Urologists felt t he scheme wouldn’t hold water.
The Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
Finally, the Proctologists calmed everyone down, promising it would all turn out fine in the end.
September 8, 2009 Well, I'm back from my trip. I will never fly Continental Airlines again. What a piece of crap and they charged me $35 to check one bag.
I think that I've mentioned before that Steve Martini was one of my favorite mystery writers. He writes court room drama, which I like. Unfortunately his last two books were really bad. I read one on the plane and it was just...bad. Maybe he'll return to what he does best...eventually.
Before I left California my mother gave me a copy of P.D. James' book The Private Patient to read on the plane. It's been years since I've read her. While I might argue about the amount of description you sure can't argue about her command of the language.
September 3, 2009 The great Rosemary Clooney singing a couple of nice songs with a stunningly good band.
September 3, 2009 Gee, I almost remembered to change the Blog date on time. It is, afterall, September. I've even noticed that on my morning drive to the gym that dawn has not yet broken. I few weeks ago and I'd be driving in bright sun.
I leave for California tomorrow am. And no BB this week, or Miguel. What'd really be great is someone new. I've been hoping that something would turn up at the gym but so far not yet. You know, you're sitting in the hot tub and pretty soon a hand brushes your leg and immediately retreats only to return.
September 3, 2009 From John.
BURGLARY IN FLORIDA (You just can't make this stuff up!!)
When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized
recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his DVD player, and
even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was a generic
white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder. (That's the way
the police report described it.)
A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to
high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.
Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with
the burglars: 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude.
She died three years ago.'
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known
as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box
was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.
Scotch taped to the box was this note which said: Hoochie sold us the bogus
blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings.
Have a nice day.
And you thought California was the land of fruits and nuts!
