Mainly because of my friendship with Tom the next three years were pretty good. I made a few other friends; well not like Tom, but still guys that I could eat lunch with or hang with at a party.

The only real negative thing that kept happening, aside from my parents, was what I thought of as "The Carl Dream" which is a little weird cause he was only in it at the end.

The dream always started with me sitting in the front yard of a big old house out in the country. I didn't recognize the house, and yet I did. You know how sometimes a place just feels like you've been there? It felt like I should know the place.

The front yard was wonderful with big old trees that were heavy with leaves that just let the occasional muted shaft of summer sun filter through. I was sitting in a big wooden chair. You know the old fashioned kind they used to have for sitting outside. The chairs were painted white and I could feel with my fingers the texture of the paint and the sharp edge of the wooden seat. I just sat there relaxed, with my face turned up so that a shaft of light could warm it and I dozed, just lightly asleep.

Then for some reason I always got up and went inside. I don't know why I always did that, but it was always okay at first; it wasn't scary and even the inside of the house had this mid summer drowsiness to it.

Then at some point it would change, the light would get different and suddenly the house felt threatening. Not that it was frightening to the point of screaming and running, but frightening to the point where I wanted out and that's when the problem began... because I couldn't find my way out. I walked from room to room and always just behind me, right in the room that I just left, was this dark scary presence. Just when I was beginning to panic, I'd walk into a room with a big old round oak table, you know, the kind with the pedestal, and the chairs had fancy carving on them and they were really heavy. I always felt relief when I finally got to the table because I only had to touch it and I would suddenly be out of the house and standing on the front porch.

I was free but the light was gone; it was always night. Carl would be standing there with a warm smile on his face, lit by the porch light and he'd say, "C'mon, Danny, get in the car. I'll take ya home." I'd get in the car and we'd be talking like we use to talk and it'd be nice, but then when I'd look at the steering wheel his hands would be all bloody and I'd wake up sweating. The thing is that I knew, even before I got in the car, that if I looked at his hands they'd be like that and they always were, but I'd still talk to him like that wasn't gonna happen.

In the beginning, I didn't have that dream very often but it seemed like it started happening more and more often, and in the morning it was like I hadn't slept at all.

It wasn't like the dream hurt me, though. It wasn't even all that scary, but it always left me feeling drained. I wanted to talk to Tom about it because he had a way of putting things into perspective, but I knew it would stir up a lotta shit that was better off not stirred up. I guess if I had been thinking right I woulda known that it couldn't go on like that, but when I was awake it didn't seem that terrible. It seemed like I could handle it. Of course I was wrong.

Every shred of evidence told me that Tom was straight. Even after track, when we were in the shower, I kept waiting to catch him looking at me with hungry eyes, but it never happened. Sometimes I'd even go outta my way to put on a little show for him, just to see what might happen. There was affection in those eyes and warmth, but never hunger. He was my best friend, my brother practically, and shit, he was a thousand times closer to me than my real brother.

We spent every important day together. Even days like Thanksgiving and Christmas, when I had to be home for a strained and totally phony "family" day, I'd sneak off at the earliest moment and spend the day with Tom and his family.

It got to the point where I didn't even knock on their door when I went to meet him for school. I just let myself in, poured myself coffee and wait for him to come down stairs.

His mom and dad treated me like I was one of their kids and they were my first real experience with a normal home. For almost the entire first year that I knew them I figured that this all had to be some kind of act that they were putting on for my benefit. It simply seemed inconceivable to me that people could really be like this.

If Tom ever considered the possibility that I was gay he never talked to me about it, at least not directly. Course I had double dated with him a couple of times and maybe that convinced him I was straight. At least that's what I thought at the time. But it was like I had these secrets that I couldn't tell anyone, and I especially couldn't tell Tom-- I mean, I just couldn't risk fucking up the only good thing in my life. I had the gay secret and I had the rape secret and I had the parents hating me secret and I wasn't sure which secret was worse but they were all so bad that it didn't much matter. I guess that I figured I could do my juggling act forever. Sometimes though, things don't always work out like you figure and sometimes your head just does what it's gotta do. Tom and I were having a burger at Denny's when my world went into meltdown.

"Danny! Danny!" He waved to get my attention.

"Huh?"

Tom leaned over the table towards me and whispered, "Man you're fuckin staring!"

"Did you see that guy? He hit that kid!"

"Danny, he just swatted the kid on the butt. The little bastard dumped out all those candy bars on the counter."

"He coulda just talked to him. He's just a little guy."

"Maybe he tried. Parents don't usually hit until they see that talking doesn't work."

"People are too quick to punish little kids." Tom was giving me an odd look and I decided to shut up.

After we finished our burgers and out of what seemed like the clear blue sky, Tom asked, "So you ever see that Carl guy anymore?"

"Carl?" Tom tilted his head and smiled. "Yeah, you used to have coffee with him."

"Oh, him. No.......he's in college now. But even before that he got busy with football shit. We just, I dunno, stopped."

Tom said, "Good lookin dude. Must have done pretty good with the babes."

"He had a girl friend...........I think." I shrugged. "We just used to stop for coffee. You know.......just shot the shit."

"So you're not friends anymore? I mean, you know, hear from him?"

"He's not..........we weren't like, close or anything. He gave me a ride home a couple of times."

"He was a good guy? Sure was a big fucker."

"I dunno, Tom. I guess he was okay. I didn't pay that much attention."

"So you guys stopped being friends?"

All of a sudden I was yelling and people were looking and I had this terrible burning pain inside my forehead. "Tom! What the fuck is this? I barely knew the guy! Why all the questions?"

Tom picked up the check and started to get up. He said softly, "Calm down, Danny. I'm sorry." He glanced down at the table and quickly back up into my eyes. "It's just that you wrote his name in the salt you spilled."

He had to be wrong and I looked frantically around because I was afraid to look down but then there it was, like it had been written by the Devil himself. CARL, in big bold capital letters. How? Where did that come from?

I looked up at Tom and I couldn't think of one lie not one. How could I explain that? Why hadn't I seen it? What the fuck was wrong with my brain that it could do that without telling me? I could feel the heat rising to my face and I started to stammer incoherently.

Tom looked around and then took my arm and pulled me out of the booth and led me shaking to the door. He said gently, "Danny, just wait outside. The air will help. I just gotta pay this."

He left me standing outside with the cold air hitting my face. I watched him inside, walking over to the register to pay the check. I had to get out of there and I turned and looked at the highway and then just blindly stumbled towards it. It didn't feel like I had control of my body. It was like I'd tell it to do something but it took awhile for the word to get to it, and even then it didn't listen.

I started running, but it was almost like I was watching a movie of someone else running. I wondered if Tom could have written Carl's name, but I knew that I had never left the booth. No, it had been me. The thing was that it wasn't the me that I knew, it had to be some other me. It was like I had this enemy inside of me, trying to expose me, and he was better at this game than I was. I just wanted to be home I wanted to sleep, to pull the covers over my head and sleep, or maybe die.

I felt something holding me back but I kept running or at least I thought I did but then I heard Tom's voice but it couldn't be Tom's voice because I was running.

"Danny." Oh his hands were warm on my face, and his voice was so comforting, "Come on, Danny."

"I'm sorry, Tom!"

"S'okay, Danny. I shouldn't have left ya."

"I was running."

"Dan, you were standing in the highway. C'mon guy, get in the car."

I was crying. I could feel the tears on my face but I didn't feel like I was, you know, on the inside. "Tom, I didn't mean to do it. Please don't be mad!"

"I'm not mad, Danny. Why would I be mad? We just gotta get you back to the house."

"It's not his fault, Tom. I shouldn't a done what I did."

He led me to the car. "Just relax, Danny. Just sit and relax."

I stared out at the night and saw my face reflected back in the glass and it looked like there was rain on my face but they were tears. "It's my fault, all of it. He loved me."

Tom just nodded and watched the road.

I never told. They asked me and asked me and asked me, but I never told. Then they threatened me. I didn't tell. There wasn't anything they could do to me that would have been worse than what I had already done to myself. They asked me if Carl had done something to me. I told them no. They said they didn't believe me. I went back to sleep.

I guess this wasn't the sort of thing that could be kept from my parents and frankly, I didn't much care because they were gonna hate me anyway.

My mother and father were insane with anger and as usual were doing a great job of hiding it from everyone but me. I was big time trouble for them. Our little town was watching them, judging them because of me or at least I guess that's what they thought. They believed that I was lying and they were right. How could I tell them that if I didn't admit it to anyone then, in a way, it hadn't happened? Yeah, nuts I know. At least they gave me drugs. Paxil. I slept for days and was in fog for weeks.

I hadn't seen anyone for a couple of weeks; I refused to. Tom brought my schoolwork over and left it with my mom. She laid it in front of my bedroom door. Finally the Paxil fog began to lift. I checked my cell phone and there were thirty-seven messages. I deleted all of them except for Tom's and then I called him.

Just hearing him say hello made me feel good. He sounded so new, so crisp, so clean. For a split second I almost felt jealous. He was the boy that I was supposed to be.

"You pissed at me?"

He laughed. "You're feeling better."

"Getting used to the drugs. I didn't mean to put you thru all that shit, Tom. Guess I'm a loony."

"I wanna see ya."

"C'mon over. I'll lower the drawbridge."

Twenty minutes later he was sitting in my room. He looked around. "I never been in here before." We always always always met at his house. I wasn't anxious for him to meet mom, but of course now he already had.

"It's like a Holiday Inn."

"Why don't you put something on the walls?"

I shook my head. "Mom. She doesn't want it." I could tell by the look on his face that he understood about her but didn't want to say anything.

He walked over to me and put his arms on my shoulders and tilted his head. "Lemme just say this and then it'll be outta the way." I know that he felt me tighten up. "Calm down. I just wanna say that I know how to draw a straight line between two points...........and if you ever..........ever wanna talk about it........I'm here. I guess my natural instinct is to bug you about it, but I'm not gonna do that."

He never mentioned it again, but sometimes I'd catch him watching me and probably wondering.

Well, of course, nothing goes on forever, and eventually high school ended and I graduated. My mom and dad even came to my graduation, although I'm pretty sure they were more celebrating the idea that I'd be going away, the ‘to college' part was pretty much besides the point, away was away. I was just as happy about it as they were. Even my brother Robert, now a big time attorney in Chicago showed up. Well, big time in the sense that even a third year law student makes unbelievable money working for a big firm and he was with one of the best.

It seemed like Mom and Dad pretty much used my brother as their negotiator with me. I figured his job was to get me to agree with what they wanted. This wasn't as surprising to me as the idea that they felt like they needed to negotiate and actually, he ended up surprising me-- actually, shocking me.

When we got back from the school graduation ceremony, Robert followed me up to my room and sat at my desk while I changed clothes. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye, and even I had to admit he was pretty hot in his dark blue suit. I inherited slim and fast and he got muscular and handsome. Figures!

He handed me a paper that itemized the college expenses that I could expect.

He said, "Danny, it would help if you returned my phone calls." I just looked at him. He shook his head and shrugged. "Okay.........I told the school you wanted a double room with a private bath. It was a bit more, but nothing significant and I included meals. Even if you never use the food service it's pretty cheap and at least I'll know that you'll never go hungry." He looked at me and grinned. "This year you really need to experience having a roommate and regular dorm stuff, but next year if you want a private room that's fine."

"Robert............" I hated to tell him this but then he was being almost nice, "I've got a track scholarship."

He gave me a small smile. "I know..........but mom and dad don't. You're a resident student but all the paperwork goes to my office in Chicago. I told the university that I was your attorney and all paperwork had to go through me. Mom and dad were relieved to have me handle it. Do you still have the business card I gave you?" Actually I had pitched it.

"Ah..........I think I lost it."

He took out his wallet and handed me another one with a little smirk. "Lost it.........right." He gave a little shrug. "I'll pay directly for everything that I can and the rest I'll deposit into your account at the university. I got them to include fifty bucks a week spending money and that along with the stuff that they think you're paying for but aren't, you should have plenty of money. Do you know what classes you want yet?"

I went over to the desk and pulled out a list and handed it to him. He glanced it over and then looked up at me. "I'll be here through Monday. We can download the forms, fill em out and I'll mail them Tuesday. Might as well get it taken care of."

He got up and put his hands on my shoulders. He smelled faintly of soap and some light aftershave. "We'll have more time to talk about this; we've got the summer yet, but I want you to remember that if you need anything-- and I don't only mean money or about school stuff-- call me. I'm gonna be super busy this summer because I'm gonna be assisting one of the partners with a major case, but still call me." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. "I bought Addie a new car and these are for her old Civic. The title's in your name and I insured it." I couldn't believe it. He sighed and said. "Look it's got over a hundred thousand miles on it but she totally babied that car and if you don't beat it to death it should last you."

I looked at the keys in his hand and there were tears running down my face.

I was trying to get a grip but I had to know. I sobbed out, "Why?"

His thumbs gently wiped tears out of my eyes. "You mean them?"

"Yeah." I felt so small next to him and with his hands on my shoulders he towered above me. I did mean them, my mom and dad but I also meant him but I was afraid to say that, like just talking about it would remind him that he was supposed to be mean to me, but he ended up answering my question without my asking it.

He kissed my forehead. "I dunno. For a long time I thought it actually was you. Somehow without actually saying it, they made me think it was you. Addie is the one who made me understand what was really going on in this house. But I dunno why. When I told Addie about what happened to you with that bus driver she thought that maybe that triggered something in them. But thinking back, I remember them getting like..........well, like they are, even before that but I don't know why it happened. The thing is...........I know now and I can help. You've got the summer to spend here but you're good at staying out of their way and...........I promise that I'll run interference any time that I can. Danny, I meant what I told the university. Think of me as your attorney. If you need anything from them, tell me. I've got em feeling a little guilty about you and I'm gonna keep em that way. So if you need anything or have a problem, call me."

He ran his hand over my hair and pulled my head to his chest. "Addie doesn't have her degree yet but she's gonna be a really great therapist. She said that if you ever wanna talk about.........well.....all that stuff, she'd be happy to. She really likes you and she made me see what an asshole I was being." I couldn't speak and anyway just being held by him was like the best therapy in the world.

He kissed my temple. "And remember, I'm not just your attorney...........mostly I'm your big brother." He was grinning down at me but there were tears in his eyes. He said softly, "I wanted to tell you all that sooner..........but you don't return your phone calls you little shit."