It was the happiest summer of my life
that summer before college. I had my brother and I had Adrienne,
Addie, his wife, and she was wonderful. She was tall and thin
and had long blonde hair that she seemed to wear differently
every time I saw her.
Sometime it would be down and very straight,
way longer than down to her shoulders. I think that was Robert's
favorite. When Addie wore her hair like that it was just like
he couldn't take his eyes off of her and he'd have
this little smile on his face. When he looked like that, when
he had that little smile on his face even though I knew it wasn't
for me I felt good and somehow safe. But she could also wear
it up and then it could look really formal and elegant.
I know it's weird but even I could
tell that I was treating Robert and Addie like they were my
real mom and dad. Not that I actually thought that at the time
but I did know that I wanted to be near them as much as possible.
As soon as it sunk fully into my brain that Robert was now really
on my side it was like I needed to make up for all the closeness
that we didn't get to share before and fortunately he
seemed to feel the same way. Of course I didn't get to
spend that much time with them. They lived in Chicago, which
was quite a ways away and they both worked really hard and they
were both still finishing up school but just knowing they were
there was a gift and Robert emailed me every day even if it
was just to say "Hi." I started going into the computer
ten times a day so that I'd get that email just as soon
as I possibly could. When I saw his name pop up I would start
to tear up. It was really crazy but wonderful too.
I stopped having the Carl dream but it
was replaced with the Bus Driver dream. The change didn't
happen all at once and for a while they were both happening
at the same time but then I started having trouble remembering
the Carl dream but the Bus Driver dream would be vivid and eventually
I was only aware of the Bus Driver dream.
In the Bus Driver dream I'd be sitting
in the kitchen of the bus driver's house, that was the
guy that raped me when I was a kid. It wasn't a scary
dream though just strange. We just spent time together sitting
at his kitchen table talking about goofy shit, nothing that
made any sense. He was always wearing just a ratty old pair
of jeans and he'd be smoking a cigarette while we talked
about the weather. But in the dream I was grown up and it all
just seemed normal like I was visiting a neighbor or something.
The only time it seemed strange was when
he said, "So ya wanna have a look around the house?"
I grinned and said, "Ah, maybe we
He laughed. "Yeah, considering."
We never seemed to talk about the same
thing but it was always just trivial shit and unlike in real
life, in the dream he never tried to hurt me.
I ran into Dodger a couple of times that summer. The first time
it was late afternoon almost at dinnertime and I was running
by the ball field in the park. The days were hot and I was stripped
down to a skimpy pair of silky running shorts that the sweat
running off of me had plastered to my body like a second skin.
I was running on the sidewalk that past
closely by first base separated only by a chain link fence.
Dodger was standing there covering first base and wearing cargo
shorts that were hanging precariously on his narrow hips. As
I got nearer he turned to look at me and then smiled broadly
in a kind of surprised way. Just at that moment I heard the
crack of the bat and then a ball went sailing past him while
he stared at me.
I thought he was gonna snap his head off
searching for that ball and I could still hear him cursing all
the way down the next block. It made me smile.
Mostly I ran in the morning with Tom. It kind of became our
official time together although a lotta times we did other stuff
too. I knew he was worried about me. We were going to be going
to different colleges and he wouldn't be able to keep
and eye on me. I think that made him even more determined to
see that I was as prepared as possible for whatever might happen.
We were running and talking and Tom was
fussing at me.
"You got your brother now, Danny."
I smiled. "I know, Tom."
"Well the thing is that he can't
help ya if you don't tell em stuff. That's why God
I laughed. "I never realized that
Google was divine. I mean I knew they hadda be close but maybe
not quite there."
He grinned and shook his head. "You
know what that's called? That's called dissembling."
"What's called dissembling?"
He laughed. "You shit! Everything
you just said is dissembling!"
"You keep tryin to avoid the subject
and talk about shit."
"Hey, I'll talk about shit
if you want but what's to say? It's brown and smelly."
"Look asswipe you know what I'm
"Another scatological reference?
Tom, what is going thru that brain?"
"Danny, it's just if you start
feelin weird you gotta talk to someone. You got my Yahoo email
address and I can read that on my phone too so if something's
bothering you and you wanna talk............well......I'm
like right there no matter where I am. So's your brother."
We ran without talking for a while. "I
know what you're saying, Tom" I glanced at him but
he was looking straight ahead. "The thing is that I'm
pretty much okay." And I felt okay too. Of course it was
a bit like walking around carrying a five hundred pound load
and being thrilled that it wasn't the one thousand pounds
that you were used to.
"You're also soooo full of
"Again with the scat!"
"Danny, nobody could go thru the
stuff you've gone thru and come out the other side without
some damage." Ever since my little freakout Tom had slowly
but relentlessly pried out of me the story about my relationship
with my parents. He and the rest of the town already knew about
me being raped when I was a kid and he had pretty much guessed
about Carl although we didn't talk about that because......
well, I just couldn't. The thing was that to one degree
or another he knew how fucked up I was.
"But I'll be away from them
He looked at me with a frown. "You
know that I'm not just talking about your parents."
"Tom, I can't change anything.
No matter what I do what happened happened. I think it's
one of those things where I just gotta get over myself."
He growled so loud I almost tripped. "AARRRGGGHHH!!
You make me so fucking crazy, Daniel!"
I punched his shoulder and yelled back,
"You practically scared the crap outta me!"
He shook his head. "Why do I even
talk to you?"
I grinned and hugged him quickly while
we ran. "You love me?"
He laughed. "And love is sooo cruel!"
The next time that I met Dodger was also at the park. I had
been running past it on my way to Route 132 and then on to the
big Bunge grain elevators when the clouds that had been building
turned ugly and then a heavy summer rain began to fall. I veered
off thru the park with the idea of heading home when the rain
became torrential and I began to think of finding a place to
wait it out. I headed for a small storage building in the center
of the park. I knew that it wouldn't be open but I was
hoping I could stand under the eaves and get a little protection
from the rain. When I got there I discovered that the building
didn't really have eaves but then I decided to try and
squeeze into the slight indentation made by the narrow doorway.
When I rounded the corner and headed for it I ran into Dodger
who was already in it. There was a basketball on the ground
in front of him and he was trying to maintain his balance in
the shallow doorway while wringing out his sopping wet tee shirt.
I skidded to a stop and stood there with
the rain pouring down my face. I said, "Oh......fuck!
Sorry." I started to turn away but a warm hand grabbed
my arm and pulled me back.
"C'mon, Danny, there's
room!" He turned me so that my back was to him and pulled
me against him.
We were practically yelling to be heard
over the heavy rain pounding on the roof of the building. He
said, "You gotta put your feet up on this sill."
He was positioned on a narrow sill about a foot off the ground.
Dodger didn't give me much chance
to consider the idea and had pretty much lifted me up and positioned
my feet for me. This left me with one foot on either side of
his and his legs between mine with his crotch pressed into my
ass. The only thing keeping me from falling forward was his
heavily muscled arm around my waist. My brain was instantly
aware of the two very thin layers of cloth separating his dick,
which I could clearly feel, pressing into my ass.
He laughed a deep throaty laugh that vibrated
all the way down my spine and he growled softly into my ear,
"Well this is cozy." Every time either of us so
much as breathed I could feel his cock moving between the cheeks
of my ass. The rain was pouring off the roof in a solid sheet
of water a couple of inches in front of my face.
I was totally off balance and completely
dependent on him hanging onto me to keep me from falling forward
into the rain.
He whispered, "You okay?"
I laughed nervously and knew that I was
blushing. "I should be askin you that, you're doin
all the work."
He face was buried in my wet hair and
his mouth was right next to my ear. "S'not like
you weigh anything." I could feel his lips moving against
the edge of my ear. "Actually we seem to fit together
pretty well. But you know your shirt is so wet it's probably
worse than none at all. Why don't you strip it off and
we'll wring it out or just pitch it."
I could hear a smile in his voice. "Nah
you won't cause I'll keep hangin on."
I carefully brought my hands down from
the doorjamb and tried to peel my shirt off but it wasn't
working. "I gotta lean forward a little. Sure you can
He said, "Sure just lemme get my
hand outta the way so that you can lift the shirt." He
moved his hand down slowly to wear my tee ended just above my
cock and then slowly slid it under and up onto my bare stomach.
His hands were so warm.
I leaned forward and peeled my shirt off
and that movement forced my ass back even harder against his
crotch and he seemed to make a little sound in his throat.
I held up the shirt. "What do I
do with this?"
He took it out of my hands and tossed
it on the ground next to his. He spoke into my ear. "Why
don't you brace us? Put your hands back up on the jamb."
As soon as I did he wrapped his other arm around my chest and
pulled me back even tighter against him. His chest was almost
hot against my back.
I started laughing and he nuzzled his
chin against my shoulder and was laughing too. "Okay,
now, just what's so funny?"
It was kind of embarrassing. "Just
that this is so weird. I'm standing here, in a public
place, mostly naked, spread eagle with your cock pressed against
I could feel his breath hitting my ear.
"Don't feel half bad does it?" It didn't
feel half bad and it felt like it was getting harder I know
that I was. I expected him to get panicky over that but if it
bothered him he didn't let on.
I decided to dig a little. "Good
thing you're straight or I'd be in trouble."
"Now how do you know I'm straight?"
I laughed. "Maybe it's that
army of babes following you around."
"Well maybe that's just cuz
a my winning personality."
The rain was quickly ending as only a
summer rain can and pretty soon were standing together in the
doorway for nothing.
I said, "Rains ending."
"So it is. You want me to let you
go?" In my head I was screaming, "No!"
I laughed. "You don't and
people are gonna talk."
"Not the same as you wanting me
to let you go."
"So are you straight?"
He didn't say anything for a while
but then he sighed and said, "Oh......I s'pose."
For a straight guy his cock was pretty
hard and it sure was big.
He nudged me forward and we both jumped
off the sill. We picked up our tee shirts and Dodger stared
at me for a moment and then said, "I heard your going
to UW Madison."
I said, "Yeah. I got a track scholarship."
He grinned. "Me too. Well, not track
but wrestling. You get your dorm assignment?"
I nodded, "Schroeder Hall."
He grinned. "Jock dorm, me too.
Hey, maybe we could be roommates."
I laughed. "I didn't think
they let you pick your roommate."
He shrugged. "I dunno. That something
you'd wanna do, I mean if we could?" I didn't
know and I didn't know if I could be trusted with this
guy but what else can you say to that question?
"Sure, if they allow that."
Something must have told him that I was unsure.
He was already holding up his hand. "Forget
I said that. You don't even know me all that well and
here I'm suggesting we be roommates. I didn't mean
to put you on the spot. It was just that I figured we were from
the same town and all."
"Dodger, I don't mind! I mean
one way or another were both gonna get roommates who may be
better or worse than we'd be. Kinda a crapshoot any way
you look at it. So if you think you'd wanna try to do
that it'd be cool with me."
He stepped over to me and stood very close
like he wanted to see what I'd do. "You're
sure?" I nodded. "It still may not even be possible.
There's probably some restriction or some shit."
I was staring at the ground and basically
kicking the dirt with the toe of my shoe and feeling like I
was twelve but I had to know something. "So you dating
any of those girls now?"
He grinned and those blue eyes flashed.
"A couple of em, now and then." Terrific, so is
that straight or gay or confused?
I stared at his nipples and asked, "So
how come you haven't asked whether or not I'm gay?"
He looked down and then up into my eyes
and smiled. "I figured I already knew the answer."
He shifted his weight and said quietly, "Danny, don't
worry about the roommate thing. It's not like I'm
expecting you to be my boyfriend or anything." Fuck!
"Oh....no! I wasn't thinking
that." This was awkward. "So you'd wanna do
the roommate thing.........if they'd do that
or what?" If this was a big "no sale" I wanted
to know now.
He gave me a "I wanna fuck you"
smile which totally bewildered me and said, "Absolutely.
Like you said, we're gonna end up with roommates one way
or another and we just showed that we can live closely together."
He grinned. "Well, for five minutes anyway."
I was confused and it seemed pretty obvious
that he probably was too. He was saying that he was straight
but his cock was saying something else. Well, I did have to
have a roommate and since I figured the chance of me getting
a totally gay one was zero then Dodger wouldn't be so
bad and, after all, he was insanely hot.
And despite all of the ambiguity and certainly
despite my limited and extremely painful history with gay sex
some part of my brain was planning our future together. I could
feel his arms around me as we slept. I could actually see my
hand brushing his dark hair out of his eyes as I kissed him
goodbye in the morning. I wondered if he'd be possessive,
snarling at any other guy who even glanced at me. It didn't
matter, I'd love him however he was. Is it any wonder
I get into trouble?
Dodger and I exchanged cell phone numbers
and email addresses and promised to get together soon and certainly
before the start of school.
I went home and beat off, I took a shower
and then I beat off again. I was still thinking about how his
dick felt pressed up against my ass when Tom called and invited
me over to his house for dinner. I said I'd be right over
and then opened my Google mailbox to see if there was anything
from my brother. There were just a couple of pieces of spam
that had somehow snuck thru and something from someone called
"SAMURAI". I clicked it open but the only thing
that it said was, "Hi!" It had been sent ten minutes
before. I smiled.
I went to bed that night fantasizing about
Dodger fucking me hard, breeding me like a bitch dog. Pretty
sick, huh? Well actually that's only my fantasy, in real
life I think I'd want a little love along with being bred
like a bitch dog.
I don't know what time I woke up.
Maybe I never even really went to sleep but then I must have
or I wouldn't have had the dream.
My body was doubled over and crammed into
the tiny space between my heavy oak dresser and the wall. When
I crawled into there last night I thought that I was crawling
behind the couch in Jay's office to hide from him and
his friends. In the dream they were after me to cut up my body
so that it wouldn't be found after they killed me. Funny,
Jay and his friends were something that Tom didn't know
about. That would have been too humiliating. Strange, no sign
of Carl in the dream.
It's funny how sometimes even when
you know that you're in a dream it still doesn't
stop it from being terrifying. And even now when I was totally
clear of it my body was still wracked with violent trembling
and I was afraid to move. I'm such a wuss!
I wiped the tears off of my face with
my hands and stared across the room at the window and the faint
light that was beginning to fade the darkness. The tremors rippling
thru my body were diminishing and I was a little surprised that
I was still alive. Not that I thought the dream was real because
like I said even at the time I still knew. No it was my heart
that I wondered about. I couldn't see how my heart could
survive another night of terror like last night and I knew there
would be more dreams. There were times during the dream when
I thought my heart was going to explode into a bright pink mist.
I needed help, I knew that and that meant Addie because there
was no way that I was ever telling some strange shrink all this
crap. I didn't even want to tell Addie but she already
knew a lot and she didn't give any sign of wanting to
pull away, just the opposite really. When I talked to her I
kept waiting for some indication that I disgusted her but so
far it hadn't come and I figured that anyway I didn't
have a choice, I had to trust her.