It was the happiest summer of my life that summer before college. I had my brother and I had Adrienne, Addie, his wife, and she was wonderful. She was tall and thin and had long blonde hair that she seemed to wear differently every time I saw her.

Sometime it would be down and very straight, way longer than down to her shoulders. I think that was Robert's favorite. When Addie wore her hair like that it was just like he couldn't take his eyes off of her and he'd have this little smile on his face. When he looked like that, when he had that little smile on his face even though I knew it wasn't for me I felt good and somehow safe. But she could also wear it up and then it could look really formal and elegant.

I know it's weird but even I could tell that I was treating Robert and Addie like they were my real mom and dad. Not that I actually thought that at the time but I did know that I wanted to be near them as much as possible. As soon as it sunk fully into my brain that Robert was now really on my side it was like I needed to make up for all the closeness that we didn't get to share before and fortunately he seemed to feel the same way. Of course I didn't get to spend that much time with them. They lived in Chicago, which was quite a ways away and they both worked really hard and they were both still finishing up school but just knowing they were there was a gift and Robert emailed me every day even if it was just to say "Hi." I started going into the computer ten times a day so that I'd get that email just as soon as I possibly could. When I saw his name pop up I would start to tear up. It was really crazy but wonderful too.

I stopped having the Carl dream but it was replaced with the Bus Driver dream. The change didn't happen all at once and for a while they were both happening at the same time but then I started having trouble remembering the Carl dream but the Bus Driver dream would be vivid and eventually I was only aware of the Bus Driver dream.

In the Bus Driver dream I'd be sitting in the kitchen of the bus driver's house, that was the guy that raped me when I was a kid. It wasn't a scary dream though just strange. We just spent time together sitting at his kitchen table talking about goofy shit, nothing that made any sense. He was always wearing just a ratty old pair of jeans and he'd be smoking a cigarette while we talked about the weather. But in the dream I was grown up and it all just seemed normal like I was visiting a neighbor or something.

The only time it seemed strange was when he said, "So ya wanna have a look around the house?"

I grinned and said, "Ah, maybe we better not."

He laughed. "Yeah, considering."

We never seemed to talk about the same thing but it was always just trivial shit and unlike in real life, in the dream he never tried to hurt me.

I ran into Dodger a couple of times that summer. The first time it was late afternoon almost at dinnertime and I was running by the ball field in the park. The days were hot and I was stripped down to a skimpy pair of silky running shorts that the sweat running off of me had plastered to my body like a second skin.

I was running on the sidewalk that past closely by first base separated only by a chain link fence. Dodger was standing there covering first base and wearing cargo shorts that were hanging precariously on his narrow hips. As I got nearer he turned to look at me and then smiled broadly in a kind of surprised way. Just at that moment I heard the crack of the bat and then a ball went sailing past him while he stared at me.

I thought he was gonna snap his head off searching for that ball and I could still hear him cursing all the way down the next block. It made me smile.

Mostly I ran in the morning with Tom. It kind of became our official time together although a lotta times we did other stuff too. I knew he was worried about me. We were going to be going to different colleges and he wouldn't be able to keep and eye on me. I think that made him even more determined to see that I was as prepared as possible for whatever might happen.

We were running and talking and Tom was fussing at me.

"You got your brother now, Danny."

I smiled. "I know, Tom."

"Well the thing is that he can't help ya if you don't tell em stuff. That's why God invented email."

I laughed. "I never realized that Google was divine. I mean I knew they hadda be close but maybe not quite there."

He grinned and shook his head. "You know what that's called? That's called dissembling."

"What's called dissembling?"

He laughed. "You shit! Everything you just said is dissembling!"

"Dissembling?"

"You keep tryin to avoid the subject and talk about shit."

"Hey, I'll talk about shit if you want but what's to say? It's brown and smelly."

"Look asswipe you know what I'm talking about!"

"Another scatological reference? Tom, what is going thru that brain?"

"Danny, it's just if you start feelin weird you gotta talk to someone. You got my Yahoo email address and I can read that on my phone too so if something's bothering you and you wanna talk............well......I'm like right there no matter where I am. So's your brother."

We ran without talking for a while. "I know what you're saying, Tom" I glanced at him but he was looking straight ahead. "The thing is that I'm pretty much okay." And I felt okay too. Of course it was a bit like walking around carrying a five hundred pound load and being thrilled that it wasn't the one thousand pounds that you were used to.

"You're also soooo full of shit!"

"Again with the scat!"

"Danny, nobody could go thru the stuff you've gone thru and come out the other side without some damage." Ever since my little freakout Tom had slowly but relentlessly pried out of me the story about my relationship with my parents. He and the rest of the town already knew about me being raped when I was a kid and he had pretty much guessed about Carl although we didn't talk about that because...... well, I just couldn't. The thing was that to one degree or another he knew how fucked up I was.

"But I'll be away from them at college."

He looked at me with a frown. "You know that I'm not just talking about your parents."

"Tom, I can't change anything. No matter what I do what happened happened. I think it's one of those things where I just gotta get over myself."

He growled so loud I almost tripped. "AARRRGGGHHH!! You make me so fucking crazy, Daniel!"

I punched his shoulder and yelled back, "You practically scared the crap outta me!"

He shook his head. "Why do I even talk to you?"

I grinned and hugged him quickly while we ran. "You love me?"

He laughed. "And love is sooo cruel!"

The next time that I met Dodger was also at the park. I had been running past it on my way to Route 132 and then on to the big Bunge grain elevators when the clouds that had been building turned ugly and then a heavy summer rain began to fall. I veered off thru the park with the idea of heading home when the rain became torrential and I began to think of finding a place to wait it out. I headed for a small storage building in the center of the park. I knew that it wouldn't be open but I was hoping I could stand under the eaves and get a little protection from the rain. When I got there I discovered that the building didn't really have eaves but then I decided to try and squeeze into the slight indentation made by the narrow doorway. When I rounded the corner and headed for it I ran into Dodger who was already in it. There was a basketball on the ground in front of him and he was trying to maintain his balance in the shallow doorway while wringing out his sopping wet tee shirt.

I skidded to a stop and stood there with the rain pouring down my face. I said, "Oh......fuck! Sorry." I started to turn away but a warm hand grabbed my arm and pulled me back.

"C'mon, Danny, there's room!" He turned me so that my back was to him and pulled me against him.

We were practically yelling to be heard over the heavy rain pounding on the roof of the building. He said, "You gotta put your feet up on this sill." He was positioned on a narrow sill about a foot off the ground.

Dodger didn't give me much chance to consider the idea and had pretty much lifted me up and positioned my feet for me. This left me with one foot on either side of his and his legs between mine with his crotch pressed into my ass. The only thing keeping me from falling forward was his heavily muscled arm around my waist. My brain was instantly aware of the two very thin layers of cloth separating his dick, which I could clearly feel, pressing into my ass.

He laughed a deep throaty laugh that vibrated all the way down my spine and he growled softly into my ear, "Well this is cozy." Every time either of us so much as breathed I could feel his cock moving between the cheeks of my ass. The rain was pouring off the roof in a solid sheet of water a couple of inches in front of my face.

I was totally off balance and completely dependent on him hanging onto me to keep me from falling forward into the rain.

He whispered, "You okay?"

I laughed nervously and knew that I was blushing. "I should be askin you that, you're doin all the work."

He face was buried in my wet hair and his mouth was right next to my ear. "S'not like you weigh anything." I could feel his lips moving against the edge of my ear. "Actually we seem to fit together pretty well. But you know your shirt is so wet it's probably worse than none at all. Why don't you strip it off and we'll wring it out or just pitch it."

"I'll fall."

I could hear a smile in his voice. "Nah you won't cause I'll keep hangin on."

I carefully brought my hands down from the doorjamb and tried to peel my shirt off but it wasn't working. "I gotta lean forward a little. Sure you can hold me?"

He said, "Sure just lemme get my hand outta the way so that you can lift the shirt." He moved his hand down slowly to wear my tee ended just above my cock and then slowly slid it under and up onto my bare stomach. His hands were so warm.

I leaned forward and peeled my shirt off and that movement forced my ass back even harder against his crotch and he seemed to make a little sound in his throat.

I held up the shirt. "What do I do with this?"

He took it out of my hands and tossed it on the ground next to his. He spoke into my ear. "Why don't you brace us? Put your hands back up on the jamb." As soon as I did he wrapped his other arm around my chest and pulled me back even tighter against him. His chest was almost hot against my back.

I started laughing and he nuzzled his chin against my shoulder and was laughing too. "Okay, now, just what's so funny?"

It was kind of embarrassing. "Just that this is so weird. I'm standing here, in a public place, mostly naked, spread eagle with your cock pressed against my ass."

I could feel his breath hitting my ear. "Don't feel half bad does it?" It didn't feel half bad and it felt like it was getting harder I know that I was. I expected him to get panicky over that but if it bothered him he didn't let on.

I decided to dig a little. "Good thing you're straight or I'd be in trouble."

"Now how do you know I'm straight?"

I laughed. "Maybe it's that army of babes following you around."

"Well maybe that's just cuz a my winning personality."

The rain was quickly ending as only a summer rain can and pretty soon were standing together in the doorway for nothing.

I said, "Rains ending."

"So it is. You want me to let you go?" In my head I was screaming, "No!"

I laughed. "You don't and people are gonna talk."

"Not the same as you wanting me to let you go."

"So are you straight?"

He didn't say anything for a while but then he sighed and said, "Oh......I s'pose."

For a straight guy his cock was pretty hard and it sure was big.

He nudged me forward and we both jumped off the sill. We picked up our tee shirts and Dodger stared at me for a moment and then said, "I heard your going to UW Madison."

I said, "Yeah. I got a track scholarship."

He grinned. "Me too. Well, not track but wrestling. You get your dorm assignment?"

I nodded, "Schroeder Hall."

He grinned. "Jock dorm, me too. Hey, maybe we could be roommates."

I laughed. "I didn't think they let you pick your roommate."

He shrugged. "I dunno. That something you'd wanna do, I mean if we could?" I didn't know and I didn't know if I could be trusted with this guy but what else can you say to that question?

"Sure, if they allow that." Something must have told him that I was unsure.

He was already holding up his hand. "Forget I said that. You don't even know me all that well and here I'm suggesting we be roommates. I didn't mean to put you on the spot. It was just that I figured we were from the same town and all."

"Dodger, I don't mind! I mean one way or another were both gonna get roommates who may be better or worse than we'd be. Kinda a crapshoot any way you look at it. So if you think you'd wanna try to do that it'd be cool with me."

He stepped over to me and stood very close like he wanted to see what I'd do. "You're sure?" I nodded. "It still may not even be possible. There's probably some restriction or some shit."

I was staring at the ground and basically kicking the dirt with the toe of my shoe and feeling like I was twelve but I had to know something. "So you dating any of those girls now?"

He grinned and those blue eyes flashed. "A couple of em, now and then." Terrific, so is that straight or gay or confused?

I stared at his nipples and asked, "So how come you haven't asked whether or not I'm gay?"

He looked down and then up into my eyes and smiled. "I figured I already knew the answer." He shifted his weight and said quietly, "Danny, don't worry about the roommate thing. It's not like I'm expecting you to be my boyfriend or anything." Fuck!

"Oh....no! I wasn't thinking that." This was awkward. "So you'd wanna do the roommate thing.........if they'd do that or what?" If this was a big "no sale" I wanted to know now.

He gave me a "I wanna fuck you" smile which totally bewildered me and said, "Absolutely. Like you said, we're gonna end up with roommates one way or another and we just showed that we can live closely together." He grinned. "Well, for five minutes anyway."

I was confused and it seemed pretty obvious that he probably was too. He was saying that he was straight but his cock was saying something else. Well, I did have to have a roommate and since I figured the chance of me getting a totally gay one was zero then Dodger wouldn't be so bad and, after all, he was insanely hot.

And despite all of the ambiguity and certainly despite my limited and extremely painful history with gay sex some part of my brain was planning our future together. I could feel his arms around me as we slept. I could actually see my hand brushing his dark hair out of his eyes as I kissed him goodbye in the morning. I wondered if he'd be possessive, snarling at any other guy who even glanced at me. It didn't matter, I'd love him however he was. Is it any wonder I get into trouble?

Dodger and I exchanged cell phone numbers and email addresses and promised to get together soon and certainly before the start of school.

I went home and beat off, I took a shower and then I beat off again. I was still thinking about how his dick felt pressed up against my ass when Tom called and invited me over to his house for dinner. I said I'd be right over and then opened my Google mailbox to see if there was anything from my brother. There were just a couple of pieces of spam that had somehow snuck thru and something from someone called "SAMURAI". I clicked it open but the only thing that it said was, "Hi!" It had been sent ten minutes before. I smiled.

I went to bed that night fantasizing about Dodger fucking me hard, breeding me like a bitch dog. Pretty sick, huh? Well actually that's only my fantasy, in real life I think I'd want a little love along with being bred like a bitch dog.

I don't know what time I woke up. Maybe I never even really went to sleep but then I must have or I wouldn't have had the dream.

My body was doubled over and crammed into the tiny space between my heavy oak dresser and the wall. When I crawled into there last night I thought that I was crawling behind the couch in Jay's office to hide from him and his friends. In the dream they were after me to cut up my body so that it wouldn't be found after they killed me. Funny, Jay and his friends were something that Tom didn't know about. That would have been too humiliating. Strange, no sign of Carl in the dream.

It's funny how sometimes even when you know that you're in a dream it still doesn't stop it from being terrifying. And even now when I was totally clear of it my body was still wracked with violent trembling and I was afraid to move. I'm such a wuss!

I wiped the tears off of my face with my hands and stared across the room at the window and the faint light that was beginning to fade the darkness. The tremors rippling thru my body were diminishing and I was a little surprised that I was still alive. Not that I thought the dream was real because like I said even at the time I still knew. No it was my heart that I wondered about. I couldn't see how my heart could survive another night of terror like last night and I knew there would be more dreams. There were times during the dream when I thought my heart was going to explode into a bright pink mist. I needed help, I knew that and that meant Addie because there was no way that I was ever telling some strange shrink all this crap. I didn't even want to tell Addie but she already knew a lot and she didn't give any sign of wanting to pull away, just the opposite really. When I talked to her I kept waiting for some indication that I disgusted her but so far it hadn't come and I figured that anyway I didn't have a choice, I had to trust her.